Turn off the Dark… PLEASE!

I’ll be breaking protocol for tonight, for a very special reason.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have a nearly unhealthy obsession with Spider-Man.  I pride myself on knowing as much about the character as possible.  I may not be the pre-eminent Spider-Scholar, but I think I could be considered an authority amongst my circle of friends, family, and acquaintances.  On that note, tonight, I attended a preview of the new Spider-Man musical, “Turn Off the Dark.” I felt I had to share my thoughts on this event, as I have a pretty strong opinion on it.

To put it plainly, this thing was a travesty.  There are not enough negative words to describe the damage it has done to my psyche to see Spider-Man portrayed in this way.  Fortunately, I have a strong enough bond with the character to understand that he is left to the whims of the writer.  That being said, whoever wrote this thing needs to be taken out back and shot.

To be fair, there were some bright spots, although it has very little to do with the script.  The actors chosen to play Mary-Jane Watson and Peter Parker, I feel, were well cast.  They both approached their roles with the correct amount of respect.  They had good chemistry together, and they had the right look.  There were some good songs (although only really about 3 or 4) and the special effects were pretty cool.  Seeing Spider-Man swinging around the theater and Green Goblin flying around live is an awesome experience, although you have to really ignore all the obvious wire work.  I know they have to, since you can’t CGI a live performance, but they honestly could have used some more unobtrusive equipment. 

My biggest problem with the show was that the story just seemed really unfocused.  It seemed like they tried to blend backstory from 3 different sources (the Spider-Man movie, the Ultimate Spider-Man comic book, and some stuff from the Amazing Spider-Man series) but forgot what belonged to which part, and it ended up being a complete jumble.  When the whole purpose behind the creation of Spider-Man is presented as sort of a toss-away, you really lose respect for the people who wrote the script.  To understand what I mean, understand that at no point did I hear Uncle Ben utter the words “With great power comes great responsibility.”  Without those words, and without establishing the relationship between Peter and Uncle Ben, there IS no Spider-Man. 

Other bad parts (and there were plenty of them) revolved around the villains that Spidey had to fight.  They turned the Green Goblin into a southern goofball, and the other five Spider-Man villains were just guys in costume that got whacked, with no purpose to them than to be cannon fodder.  I say 5, because the 6th member was some made up… thing… that can only be considered a complete abomination.  You get Lizard, Kraven, Carnage, Electro and Swarm (the last one of which is not a regular enemy, but at least he’s appeared in the comics) and then you have Julie Taymor’s creation, Swiss Miss.  No, not the little Swiss girl that’s on the hot cocoa pouches.  It’s some silver creature that is supposed to be a human equivalent of a swiss army knife.  It looked as bad as it sounds. 

I won’t go into spoilers of the show because 1) I don’t think I could truly describe how bad it is (you almost have to see it for yourself to understand) and 2) because I don’t want to hurt your sensibilities if I were able to describe it.  To give you a hint, there was a segment involving multiple women in spider garb (that is with 8 limbs) singing about shoes… Yeah, my head hurt after that one.

I feel bad about bashing the play, because I’m such a huge Spider-Man fan, but to see the treatment that they gave this show honestly hurt my feelings.  There was a lot of potential there, and I think if treated right, you could definitely have an amazing show, but when you don’t have someone who understands the source material try to write a script, you get a complete mess, and that’s what happened here.  I’ll be surprised if this thing lasts more than a few months, because people will be walking out left and right when they sit down and catch it. 

Crazy Little Thing Called Love…

I was involved in a rather interesting dialog today with an old classmate of mine (thanks to the wonder that is Facebook) about relationships.  Specifically, the concept of the friend zone and why nice guys always seem to end up there, and the bad boys (aka assholes) end up in the boyfriend zone.  After a lengthy discussion, it led me to start thinking about that rather vague descriptor of feeling that we humans call love.  Now, far be it for me to have a decisive answer as to what it is exactly.  After endless poems, songs, stories, plays, movies, books, and countless other forms of media, it seems that we still haven’t come to any sort of agreement on what love really is. 

However, despite not having a concrete answer on what is love, I thought about everything I learned about it up until this point in my life.  If you’ll indulge me a little, I’d like to go through those things, and maybe we can get a little closer to understanding what this crazy little thing called love really is.

- Love can take any form you want it to.  I want to stress that this is the most important thing that I have come to realize about love.  You cannot put a limit on what you think love is.  Just because it does or does not work for you doesn’t mean that you can use that as a blanket for everyone else.  Whether you are an adult who has been through multiple relationships, whether you are a child who feels something weird for that girl or boy that you just met for the first time, whether you are a teenager who can’t stop thinking about that one person in class, if you want to call that feeling love, than that’s what it is.  You can be gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, monogamist, polyamorous, or whatever, no one has the right to tell you “You don’t know what love is,” because I can bet you, neither do they. Everybody experiences it in different ways, and everyone deserves to express it in the way that they feel most appropriate.

- Love is free.  This is the second most important thing that I’ve learned.  Let me clarify, when I say love is free, I don’t mean the “Free Love” that they espoused in the 60s.  That wasn’t love, that was sex.  No, when I say love is free, I mean that there should be no cost or payment attached to love.  Love should never be hampered by feelings of guilt, or obligation, or repayment.  When you do something for someone out of love, you should be doing it because you want to, or that it makes the other person happy (happy being another subjective thing, but this isn’t really the place for that discussion), which in turn brings you joy; not because you feel that you have to in order to make up for something stupid that you did, or because it’s repayment for something that the other person did to you.  That cheapens the intent, and turns it into a transaction.  Love should be free of these trappings.

- Love is pure.  This may seem like one of those clichés, but give me a moment to explain.  Love should never be used as leverage.  You should never use love as an excuse to get someone to do something for you.  This is similar to “love is free” but this comes from the opposite side, where people use love as a means of currency.  I’m sure everyone at one point in time has heard, “If you don’t do that for me, I won’t love you anymore.”  Love is something that is meant to bring joy to both parties involved in the relationship.  Never should it be used to manipulate someone in any way.  Whether it’s getting someone to clean the house for you, getting someone to buy something for you, or one of the more sinister uses, to get someone to sleep with you, it is a cheap and dirty way of getting what you want, and once you do that, you’re showing that you don’t truly love the person, you just want something from them for your own benefit.  This is wrong, and you should never misuse love that way.

- Love hurts.  Everyone has heard this one before.  This is probably the most difficult thing about love.  There are a lot of people out there who seem to think that when you love someone, and you are loved back, everything is peaches and cream, and you will spend all your days traipsing through a meadow of flowers, holding hands, and skipping on a sunny day.  I’m sorry, but it isn’t easy.  First and foremost, love is a commitment.  Whether it’s to your family, your friends, or your significant other, love is something that has a responsibility to it.  That responsibility is that when you love someone, even when it’s tough, you have to remember that you love them.  Because we are all human, there are times when we are far from perfect, and loving someone may seem really hard, and may even cause you some pain.  This is the time when love is most important, because you have to remember that you love them for who they are, and at some point, everything passes.  I don’t mean to say that you should ever remain in an abusive relationship because you love someone.  If that’s the case, they’re breaking the “love is pure” concept, and it’s no longer love.  What I am saying though, is that love can cause you pain because you have to be willing to be vulnerable enough to accept both the good and the bad.  Otherwise, you won’t be able to feel the love.  Shielding yourself from pain is a nice idea, but you inevitably shield yourself from the good too, and loving someone is necessarily an open process.  If you cannot have an open heart, you will never be able to feel love.  Unfortunately, it can lead to getting hurt, but that is the price you must pay.  However, I have to say, when you find it, it is completely worth it.

- Romance is not love.  For all of you people out there with dreams of dashing knights, and maidens in distress, and all that other fantasy claptrap, I’m sorry, but you’re just fooling yourself.  Romance is a wonderful thing, and it’s lovely… but it’s not love.  We see a lot of people confusing the two nowadays.  People who want their entire relationship with someone to be romantic, and incredible.  These people inevitably are single much of the time, complaining about how they can’t find someone to love.  They have these unrealistic expectations about love where every day has to start with roses on the bed, and end with candlelit dinners, and incredibly passionate sex.  These people are NUTS!  Love is hard, it can be very not pretty, and love is most definitely not always romantic.  Romance is a fun way to get away from reality for a while, to feel like the world is your oyster and that everything is perfect, at least for a little while.  However, it is an illusion, albeit a fun one to indulge in from time to time.  The only problem is, when all you want to do is live in a fantasy land all the time, crashing back to reality is going to hurt that much worse. 

- Sex does not equal love.  I just want to state this plainly.  Love and sex are in no way intricately linked.  You can love someone without sex, and you can have sex without love.  You don’t have to have one with the other.  Refer to the earlier statement about love being whatever you want it to be.  There are plenty of swinger couples who can have multiple sex partners, but still completely love their primary partner, and never have a problem.  That being said, this does not give people carte blanche to go have sex with anyone you want and tell their significant other “But baby, they didn’t mean a thing to me, you’re the only one I really love.”  As I said earlier, love is about commitment.  If you enter into a relationship with someone who is a monogamous person, you are committed to them, and therefore, you cannot sleep with anyone you please without violating that commitment.  If you chose this person to be with, then you have to show to them that you are willing to “play by the rules” so to speak.  This actually leads nicely into my next point.

- Love is a mutual thing.  It’s hard to feel love unless it is returned in some way.  I wouldn’t consider one-sided affection love, because at that point, only one person would be feeling any sort of happiness; normally the person receiving the love.  For those of you who would say “But I’m happy just being around that person,” I wouldn’t call it love, I’d call it desperation.  You are so in need of being around this person, you are willing to forego your own feelings to do so.  I think we all have our own ranges when it comes to the things we need to feel love, and in a one-sided “love” very rarely are both parties getting what they need to feel it. 

- Love supports.  When you are really in love, it strengthens you.  When you think about that person, it brings a smile to your face, improves your day, and generally gives you the fortitude to keep on going, no matter the difficulty.  It is something that makes you a better person.  It can actually improve your health, even if it’s not directly.  When you love someone, you want to be with them longer, or be there for them longer, and in turn, you begin to take better care of yourself in order to do so.  Without love as a motivating factor, a lot of people just fall into a lazy, comfortable sort of stasis, and with nothing to live for, what’s the point in trying harder than you are now?  If you are loved, then the world is a much better place, and you’d want to stick around longer.

- Contrary to popular belief, love is not all you need.  Love can be a pretty decent base, and it’s great at support, but there is a lot more involved when building a strong, healthy relationship.  Commitment, perseverance, fortitude, planning, and creativity are all necessary elements as well.  Basically, to think that love is all you need to get through anything is naïve at best, and dangerous at worst.  Too many people have jumped in headfirst into a difficult situation thinking that as long as they’re with the one that they love, everything will work itself out.  Unfortunately, life is not a movie, and you’re more likely to end up down on your luck, and possibly even single if you think that all you need is love. 

Those are some of the important things I have learned or realized as I’ve lived my life.  It’s not the full list, as I cannot quite put into words everything that I have learned.  Some of it is a feeling, some of it is just… not capable of being put into coherent form for me right at the moment.  Love is this incredibly nebulous thing, and it takes the shape and form of whatever people like to call it, but I think there are some things that are just universally true, which is what I was able to put up. 

People who know me know that I love fully, and intensely.  I love my friends, my family, and most importantly, my wife.  I freely admit that I would die for any of them because my love for them extends itself beyond this mortal coil.  Despite the aggravation that these people may cause me from time to time, I always remember that all of that isn’t important, because ultimately, they’re good people and are deserving of my love.  I’m not one to throw my love around freely, but if you have it, then you’ll know that it is not easily given up.  It took me a long time to realize how important it was to truly love these people in my life, but when I did, it opened up my eyes and improved my life tremendously.  My life is so much better with these people in it, and I can only hope that their lives are better with me in theirs. When it comes down to it, that’s all I can really hope for in life… to love and be loved.

Despicable Me

I’ve noticed something about myself over the last few months.  It may go further back than that, but I’ve only recently really been paying attention, so I don’t have a very clear timeline available.  Basically, I think I’m slowly becoming a worse person.  Maybe not leaps and bounds; I’m not talking about going from Mary Poppins to Jack the Ripper, but I just notice subtle things about myself that I would have definitely frowned upon if I were to view myself from a past version of myself.  I guess that fact that I notice it says something at least about my ability to be introspective.

The primary thing that I’ve noticed about myself is the recent surge in foul language that emanates from my mouth.  I have a habit recently of just spewing expletives without much thought.  A casual “fuck” here, or a “shit” there, or any number of curses have spewed from my mouth lately, and this is something that I had taken some time to eliminate from my vocabulary some time back, only to have it resurface lately.  I have either taught myself (or really convinced myself) that expletives were for people who had no better way to express themselves, a means for people who couldn’t think about what they were saying to so they just spit out a swear in order to get their point across.  “Yeah, I get it, you’re angry, but do you mind not using ‘fuck’ as a comma please?”

Mind you, I don’t have a problem with the words themselves.  I don’t get on other people’s cases about using the words, because I don’t think it’s fair to hold other people to my standards that I have for myself.  However, when I’m breaking my own standards, it’s time to take a look at myself.  Something obviously has been pushing me to the point where I’m losing my ability to speak clearly and effectively without using vulgar language.

Another sign is that I’m generally a nice person, but my temper and my patience have shrunken to the point where they are nearly imperceptible.  It seems I am always a hair’s breadth from exploding, and that’s really bad when you’re in the industry that I’m in.  When you have to deal with people that are frustrating, instigative, or just downright dumb, you have to show a lot of patience and understanding, or you’re going to be out of a job quickly.  For the most part, I’ve been able to handle it, but every now and then, the veneer slips, and I think people have been noticing that there’s just a little bit more of a rageful creature trying to escape.

So where is all of this coming from?  It is simple enough to answer that.  It just comes from the fact that I am dealing with a number of stressful situations that I need to find the resolutions for, but which I am failing miserably at accomplishing.  Being physically separated from my wife as long as I have been, there is no release for my day to day annoyances, as I don’t really have someone to talk to quite as easily as I would have liked.  Also, there is the question of whether or not I will be leaving this country indefinitely, depending on what happens with my current job status.  On top of that, there is the added frustration of not enough rest, since I have given away my weekends in order to work a second job for more than 3 years now. 

None of this is new.  It has been building for some time now, with the majority of it coming to a head in the last few months.  I am living in a state of purgatory, limbo, suspension, whatever you may want to call it, because I’m not sure where my life is heading, and yet I’m being pushed to have an answer before I’m truly ready.  I am nearly stressed to the breaking point, but I still have to somehow manage to hold it together until everything is settled.  This leads me to an incredible level of fatigue and agitation.  I don’t really know how to handle it, but I know I must for now. 

If nothing else, all the trials and tribulations of the past have served to prepare me for the problems that I face now, and for that, I am thankful for them.  I am at a very important crossroads in my life, and the decisions I make now will affect how I live my life for many years to come.  However, so much feels as if it’s out of my hands, I just feel helpless while I wait for the answers to come.  Honestly… it just sucks.  There really is no better word for it. 

The only thing I have to look forward to now (really, the only thing I CAN look forward to, since everything is still up in the air) is that when the first answer that I’m waiting for comes, it will set the rest of the dominoes to falling, and I can finally move forward on these decisions.  Hopefully, this will bring me some peace of mind, and I can go back to trying to improve myself, instead of allowing myself to fall into these pits of self-loathing, and self-defeat.  It should happen soon (although with the way things are going, I could just be blowing smoke up my own rear end) and when it does, things should fall into place. 

The State of Religulous

You might recognize part of the title as the name of Bill Maher’s movie.  If you haven’t seen it, take a look.  It’s an interesting piece, but if you’re particularly religious, I’d refrain.  It might offend you.

So if you’ve kept an eye on the political landscape recently, you might have noticed something interesting, and from my point of view, mildly if not outright disturbing. 

I’m pretty sure that most of us remember at least a little of our American history classes from elementary school.  Even if you don’t remember the bulk of it, I’m almost positive that everyone does remember the Constitution, specifically the Bill of Rights.  In that bill, there exists something called the “First Amendment.”  For the sake of clarity, let me quote it now:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

I’m mainly concerned with the first line of that statement, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…”  In recent weeks, the question of separation of church and state has come up repeatedly.  Now, as many of you may be wondering, “What about it?  Didn’t they settle that when they wrote the Bill of Rights?”  You know, I thought they did too, but apparently, a specific group of politicians and their followers have different ideas. 

The “Tea Party” as they unofficially call themselves, is a movement within the Republican Party, although at this point, I wonder if Republicans are beginning to wonder about the intelligence of allowing these people to associate themselves with them.  The supposed purpose of this movement is to cut back the size of the government, lower taxes, reduce wasteful spending, reduce the national debt and federal budget deficit, and to adhere to the United States Constitution.  Doesn’t sound like such a bad thing, does it?  However, like so many other political movements, what looks great on paper, seems to devolve into what I like to call a “clusterfuck”  when put into actual practice.

So far, from what I can gather, the primary hallmark of the Tea Party Movement is to instill fear into the citizenry to get their candidates elected, by preying on people’s general ignorance.  What do I mean by this?  Well, despite the fact that the group states that they wish to adhere to Constitutional Law, they have interesting interpretations of those laws.  Which brings me to my point on this blog.  The most recent “interpretation” centers around the separation of church and state.  In the past few weeks, three separate candidates that are Tea Party favorites have questioned the First Amendment and the application of said amendment.

Christine O’Donnell, Sharron Angle, and Ken Buck.  All three politicians are running for Senate seats.  All three have stated that they do not believe that the First Amendment precludes a government joined with religion.  I ask them this… What Constitution have you been reading, or rather, what drugs are you taking that would give you an interpretation that would say anything but a separation of church and state? 

The argument that is most commonly given is that the Constitution doesn’t actually contain the words “separation of church and state.”  In this regard, they are correct.  However, if you’re going to play at semantics and pedantry, then there are a lot of things not explicitly said in the Constitution, not to mention the Bible (since this is an argument over religion) that they tend to follow.  A perfect example?  Nowhere in the Bible does it say that Satan rules hell.  Double check if you don’t believe me.

It appears again that the problem here is that people aren’t taking things in context.  If you examine the time in which the Constitution was written, the reason behind the First Amendment was because the country, and specifically the founding fathers, were trying to escape from religious persecution.  By putting in the statement “…no law respecting an establishment of religion…” they are straight forwardly saying that the government can’t tell people what religion is the right one.  Ken Buck counters this by saying, “While we have a Constitution that is very strong in the sense that we are not gonna have a religion that's sanctioned by the government, it doesn't mean that we need to have a separation between government and religion.” 

I don’t know about you, but if the government isn’t allowed to establish a religion, then how are they supposed to work together without fear of there being some major influence? The whole reason behind putting together that amendment was to prevent religion from having any say in government affairs.  You know what religious governments get you?  Look at the Middle East.  Look at any country where there is a nation mandated religion.  They’re all rife with human rights violations, and besides all of that, this is a country “of the people, by the people, for the people.”  That gives no space for there to be any singular religion to identify the nation, as this nation is made up of a wide range of people and religions.  That’s what makes it great.

For now, I won’t even get into the hypocrisy that most of these Tea Party candidates engender by fighting for their right to bring religion into politics, but decry anyone who is Muslim.  That’s another entry.  All I’m saying is, these people who want to scare you into believing what they say are doing so by twisting the truth, and attacking some pretty established rules.  I’m not even talking about rules that might have some form of negative connotation to them, but rules that have proven truly beneficial to our society.  Don’t let them do it.  Don’t let ignorance lead to the downfall of what was once, and hopefully will be again, a great nation.

Isolated

Hopefully, people don’t find this too similar to something I wrote earlier on, but it popped into my head yesterday as I was returning from a wedding.  Might not be the same at all, but I honestly won’t know until I’m done writing.

So this week, I am in Hungary.  It is now the third time I’ve been here, and that in and of itself is a strange condition.  Prior to this country, I had never returned to any single country aside from the US after the first time there.  Of course, I had never had family in those other locations as well, so that should explain all of that.  However, it is still a strange feeling when you leave home, fly for several hours (on average a nine hour flight) and land in a place that is familiar.  Something about that seems strange, but maybe that’s just me.

The first time I was here, it was to visit my then girlfriend (now my wife) and her family, as we were separated at the time by her enrollment in a study abroad program, and this was the place we would meet before she was to return home with me.  It was quite a bit of culture shock, considering I have spent the majority of my life in a major metropolitan city, and coming to a country where it is much quieter and slower was a bit jarring.  Not having everything readily available at all hours of the day takes a bit of adjusting to, and it was first real experience with something like that. 

The second time I was here, I was in the midst of completing my second wedding (the first having occurred in New York) and was too busy with preparation that first week here to really get my bearings.  Fortunately, after all the hoopla was completed, I was able to sit back, relax, and enjoy the city, with prior experience under my belt.  It did make it more comfortable, and ultimately more enjoyable than my first trip here, and I returned home to the US once again with my wife, ready to face the world.

This being my third time, you’d think it’d be old hat by now.  This time, I’m here for the wedding of my wife’s cousin, someone she is close with, but primarily to spend time with my wife.  Like the first visit here, I met her in Hungary, instead of flying here with her, because she was in another country prior, in order to pursue her own goals.  The event that I’m here for was much shorter than the previous visit, so the overall purpose is to just spend time with my wife.

Throughout all of my trips here, there has been one unifying feeling.  Despite being here with my significant other, I’ve always felt apart from everything.  There is a simple enough reason for this, as I don’t speak the language at all.  If you didn’t know, Hungarian is one of, if not the most, difficult languages on this planet to learn.  The pronunciation isn’t too hard, but the grammar is nearly impossible to just “pick up”.  Not to mention the words themselves are not relatable to any of the other languages that might be normally taught in western schools.  You won’t find any parallels with English, Spanish, French, Italian, or any of the romance languages.  Heck, I’m Chinese, and there’s no correlation with any of that language either.  It pretty much stands on its own, and I’m left here scratching my head.

The only reason I bring this up is that last night, during the wedding, it never felt quite as acute as when I was sitting there, watching the ceremony and reception take place.  Mind you, I had my own wedding here the year before, and that was more or less a traditional Hungarian wedding, but the master of ceremonies was translating for the sake of my friends, family, and myself, so I wasn’t at a complete loss.  Also, when you’re running around frantically trying to make sure all is well, you kind of don’t sweat the small stuff, like understanding what’s going on. 

Last night’s wedding was Hungarian at full intensity.  There were very few (by my count only two) English speakers (my wife and my brother in law) and it was kind of hard to ask them to translate, as they were involved in the festivities themselves.  While it’s all well and good to laugh when everyone else laughs, and to dance when everyone else dances, it is hard to maintain an air of jocularity when you are at a complete loss at everything around you.  I felt absolutely horrible, because I knew I was missing out on a very good time, and all due to my ignorance of the language.  Some of the wedding games were familiar enough, and didn’t need too much explanation, but there is a great deal of the celebration that relies on word play, and you miss out on a lot of that when you don’t know what anyone is saying.

It left me feeling quite alone in the middle of a large group, and by the end of the night, I was quite down on myself.  While there is a simple enough solution (learn the language) it is by no means easy.  It doesn’t help that I suck at language acquisition.  I’m picking up words here and there, but that hardly allows one to understand rapid moving events.

On top of all this, unlike my previous trips out here, I know that I will be returning home alone this time.  While it is absolutely wonderful, and completely necessary for my sanity to spend time with my wife here, there is also a great deal of sadness involved, since I know that we will be parting ways for some time once my vacation here is done.  She to Japan, me back to the US, and it kills me to think of that.  It just adds to this sense of feeling alone, because nothing quite says alone like sitting in a plane for nearly a dozen hours with no one to talk to. 

While I am enjoying the time I am here with my wife, I’m really not sure what to think about how I’m feeling.  It is all well and good to say “enjoy the moment” but unless you have the ability to completely block out the immediate future (which would be both a good and bad thing) then you are going to notice when time is running out.  I want to just be happy that I have her here, and for the most part I am, but times like last night make me remember how difficult it can be when you feel separated from everything around you, and to not have my wife to batter that away when I run into that again only makes me more depressed. 

Oh, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, yeah, I go through some severe bouts of being down.  I wouldn’t say depression, as I haven’t needed pharmaceuticals, but there are definitely times where I could care less about the world.

Anyway, after that aside, I have to make clear, I tend to feel alone in a crowd most of the time.  However, in most cases, I at least have that one person that, if I can make a connection with, it makes things easier.  It’s easier to spread out from a single point than to blanket a whole area, if that makes sense.  Normally, it’ll be a friend that I already have there, or if I’m lucky, I meet someone new, but in this situation with the wedding, that was all but impossible.  It only made me realize how much harder I have to work to not get lost in my own head.  I’ve heard that you have to be able to create your own happiness.  Last night served to show me how true that really is.

After looking back at this post after writing it, it had nothing to do with any of my previous posts, but it is a bit whiny.  Sorry about that, but it was bugging me, and I figured someone out there might know the feeling.  It might only be for those who’ve had cross-culture relationships, but I think it applies to a lot of people anyway, whether it’s a language barrier, a culture barrier, or even a barrier created by your general interests (IE, you’re at a sports bar, and you’ve never liked sports).  Feeling alone is one of the crummiest feelings, and it can happen anywhere, anytime.  I just wish I knew a way to combat it that would work for everyone, but at this point, I’m just looking for a way to deal with it myself.

Digging Out

I’m not sure how common it is for people out there, but I go through somewhat regular bouts of depression.  Nothing medically diagnosed, but just times where I feel like there’s very little to care about.  People have been asking me lately how I’ve been, and the majority of the time, it’s some level of depressed.  This is probably a problem. 

I’ve always just sort of accepted depression as a part of life.  I’ve never been one to have high highs, so I kind of go through plains and valleys.  Not very many peaks.  There’s no logical reason for it.  It’s not like someone I cared for has died recently (although there’s still question, at least in my own head, over how I have handled the deaths of certain loved ones, regardless of how much time has passed), or there’s anything particularly negative about my life.  I have great friends, a good family, an incredible wife, and a job that I tolerate for the most part.  Funks just seem to hit me.

It always makes me wonder though, how people handle their depression.  For the most part, I try to slog through it, trying to some degree to intellectualize the situation away.  There is a proverb that I’m sure many of you have heard, stating “This too shall pass.”  I try to approach these down periods with this in mind, since I know that invariably, something will come along to lift me out of the doldrums.  But even as mild as my depressions may be, it’s still difficult to climb out of that hole that you basically dig for yourself.  You’re more likely to dig yourself deeper, and a lot of the ways that people try to cheer you up may only serve to make it worse in the long term.

When you try to distract yourself from depression, you only serve to delay the emotions tied to it.  At best, you forget about it an move on, not really dealing with the whys and the whats.  At worst, the distraction only serves to drive you further down into the pit.  Most examples of this particular mode of distraction lies in vices.  Drinking, drugs, gambling, sex, etc etc.  The only real way to combat depression is to find the root cause, and confront it.

Of course, this is easier said than done.  How many people have rational and logical depressions?  How many people actually know what’s making them feel like crap?  I’m just speaking for myself, but when I’m down, it’s nearly always this vague feeling of unease, it’s rarely a concrete reason.  Something inside is restless, and aggravated, and can’t seem to find relief in expression or action, no matter how much time you may spend trying to find an answer to why. 

I consider myself a pretty introspective guy, but depression sort of mutes everything.  Thinking gets muddled, senses are dulled, and the enjoyment that you once had for things lessens greatly.  You have a hard time seeing what might be right in front of you, which only serves to perpetuate the depression. 

So what can be done?  I won’t presume to tell you what’ll work for you, but I’ve tried a whole bunch of stuff for myself, and some of it worked, some of it was pointless.  I’ve tried the whole drinking route.  Short-lived, because the momentary euphoria I felt during the drunken spell was quashed quite handily by the following morning hangover.  There have been times where I was self-destructive, trying stupid things to get myself out of a funk, to feel alive, and while that momentary rush may have been enjoyable, when I look back on it, it was pretty stupid. 

I’ve tried therapy, and there was some aid in that, because it got me to examine myself in ways I hadn’t thought of before.  There was some catharsis there, but it was a double-edged sword.  While it may have brought some clarity any current situations, it also brought up questions about past situations, and while they may be in the past, it puts them in a new light, which may affect current relationships.  Doesn’t happen that way for everyone, but it did for me.

The only thing that has worked consistently for me has always been time with friends.  Time to sit, and talk, and just know that there are people out there who truly care for your well-being.  People who want to be there for you, to make sure you don’t suffer alone.  I’ve been fortunate that I’ve had friends who have put up with my many bouts of depression, who are willing to humor my endless rhetorical questions.  Sure, there may be times that they’ve expressed severe frustration with me, but they only spoke truthfully to me, and at the end of the day, that’s all I really need. 

There is also a lot to be said about helping others in need during times when you’re feeling alone and isolated.  I don’t mean you have to go out and save the world, but I always get a little boost when I give someone a helping hand.  It’s temporary, but there’s nothing at all negative about helping someone, so you’re at least spreading what joy you can.  Sometimes it can help put your life in perspective, or at the very least, you can feel appreciated for that one moment. 

I think one of the biggest problems that we face on a regular basis is that we tend to take life for granted.  Not everyone mind you, and those people who don’t live some pretty amazing lives, but for a lot of us, I think we just assume that there will be a tomorrow, so we sort of end up putting off feeling good for another day, because it’s just too hard.  It takes effort to be happy, mainly cause when you’re feeling down, it takes so much effort to get yourself out of it.  Staying happy is also pretty difficult, because it just seems like sometimes, the entire world is out to ruin your day.  There have definitely been days where I just felt like everything I did only ended up with me being more miserable than when I started the day.  It’s times like that where I really have to stop myself, and try to remember, “Nothing lasts forever.  Make sure to spend your energy enjoying your good moments, and not waste energy on the bad ones."  It still takes great effort, but at least it’s energy spend wisely.

Nostalgic Much?

I’ve been having this really nagging feeling at the back of my head.  For some reason, over the past few months, I’d even dare to say over the past year plus, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about reconnecting with my past.  I think it really started when I was able to find a friend whom I knew in elementary school, and found that despite the years we’ve spent apart, and whatever events in our lives may have shaped us in that time, we were still capable of being really good friends.  Since that time, I’ve been on sort of a hunt for people through the course of my life that I’ve considered important, and have always regretted letting them fade into the background of my story.

Part of it has to do with nostalgia.  Fond memories of past events, or people tend to carry a lot of weight to them.  So much weight in fact, that some people suffocate underneath it, and can only live in the past, unable to face the present, or plan for the future.  I’ve been fortunate that I have been, for the most part, able to live in the present.  However, I do still hold a lot of great memories from when I was younger, at least in my head. 

The danger in nostalgia is that you may remember things in a much better light than they were actually cast.  Psychologically, as we get older, it’s much easier to remember the good things, and ignore the bad things, if for no other reason than it’s to keep you sane.  This can lead to some pretty warped memories for those who have been through particularly trying times in their life, where it seems as if their very history has been rewritten.  This is how people can end up in severely abusive relationships, as they can only remember the good, and figure that the bad won’t last as long, despite the fact that it might have lasted over the course of the entire relationship already. 

Despite that, there is something rewarding when you have nostalgic memories of people, and later, when you reconnect with these people, you find that the relationship with these people only serve to further improve your memories of them in the past.  I can’t describe the feeling that you get when you see someone again after a very long time, I’m talking decades, and find that as much as you cherished the friendship and companionship that you had with them before, that when you’re with them now, it’s even better.  There’s just something supremely satisfying about feeling like holding onto the memory of a particular someone is validated because they’re still awesome so many years later.

I’ve always said it’s important that the people you choose to be in your life are good people.  To some degree, I apply this to people that I keep in my memories as well.  Obviously, memories are a little harder to control, and you will remember what or who you will remember, but there is still some conscious effort involved in trying to remember someone.  When you’ve taken that effort to remember that person, it’s nice to know it wasn’t time or energy wasted.

Of course, this extends to people beyond just friends.  One of the greatest pleasures in my life, and especially recently, has been reconnecting with teachers that I had always looked up to during my formative years.  Here were these people who you you relied upon to infuse you with knowledge, to assist in your growth as a person, and the majority of what you remember about them were their mannerisms in class, and how stern they were, or how much homework they gave you.  Years later, when they no longer feel the pressure of being responsible for your development as an adult, and they can let things go and just be themselves, you realize “You know, I knew I liked this person for a reason.” 

To find out your teachers were honestly HUMAN!  To find out their character flaws, and to know that they had similar thoughts to what you had during that same time period.  Intellectually, I knew all of this happened, but to hear it for yourself in person from the mouths of the very people you looked up to as you were going through your growing pains… the only reaction I could have was to laugh, and honestly, it felt so amazing to just connect with them on that level. 

To no longer have that wall of teacher and student, and to be able to relate as peers ( to a degree) has been a joy that I would never have thought plausible back then.  Admittedly, it’s still weird to call them by their first name when you spent so many years calling them Mr./Ms. Whatever, but it’s such a great feeling to actually be able to do that.  It almost feels like a rite of passage.  To graduate from, “Hey Mr. Blankity Blank” to “Hi Mike” or whatever their actual name is.  Maybe I’m just a recovering teachers pet (although anyone who knew me through high school could hardly call me that), but it’s nice to just see them again and learn more about who they were, and more importantly, who they are.

Overall, I think nostalgia is important, because it’s hard to know where you’re going when you don’t know where you’ve been.  Looking back to the past allows you to take stock of what you’ve done to get to the point of where you are.  However, it’s just as important to follow up on it, lest it stay just a pleasant memory, with no real basis in reality after too much time has passed.  To find out that things or people who filled you with so much joy in the past are still capable of doing so; I think that just makes the memories even better, but also, they help you to further your growth, because you realize that you haven’t been fooling yourself for all that time.  I believe, with that under your belt, you find yourself able to enjoy even more so, the new events and experiences that will come into your life.  I recommend reconnecting with your past.  It’ll make your future that much brighter.

Drunken Wisdom…

This is sort of an oxymoron.  Normally there’s nothing intelligent about anyone when they’re drunk.  However, I was out celebrating with some people tonight, so I thought I’d perform a little experiment.  This will be written with a relatively healthy buzz in place, with no edits (save for grammatical errors later on for ease of reading) and what’s basically on my mind.  Maybe it’ll be fun, maybe it’ll be retarded, but I like to try these little experiments, so bear with me.

So what’s on my mind?  Not much to be honest, mainly because the world is a wonderful place right now.  I guess it depends on what kind of drunk you are (I tend to be a happy drunk) but right now, all of my worries are sort of not important.  Focus is difficult enough (which is funny to say considering I’m trying to type this out), so thinking about things that require a lot of introspection or forward thinking is not exactly very high on my list of priorities.

My sense of balance is a bit off, as I was playing beer pong earlier (something I will likely never do again) and I kept crashing into things…. people, tables, chairs, etc etc.  However, who cares?  Everyone had a laugh.  The one thing I’ve been fortunate with is that I”m not a blackout drunk, or someone who makes a complete fool of themselves when I’ve had a few.  Coordination is always a problem though, but I think I can focus just enough to keep myself from falling into the train tracks on the way home, or anything similar to that.

The most interesting thing is that despite my inhibitions being quite loose (certain conversations that I can’t mention here), I’m still capable of intellectualizing the situation and take the proper steps.  What do I mean?  Basically, instead of letting my body take over, and the drunkenness take over my actions, I can still think, and at least see consequences of my actions.  This is pretty true no matter how far gone I may be, so I’m fortunate in that sense.  Admittedly, I’ll say some outrageous things when I’m nice and tipsy (some of which those of you who know me have heard and have had a good laugh), but I’ll still be relatively collected.

I guess paying attention to how I feel now, I’ll never understand how people allow themselves to get to the point where they’re so drunk they don’t remember where they were, or what they did.  I’m in a good place right now, and this is probably what the purpose of a good buzz is, in order to divert yourself away from the heavy things on your mind, but people take it too far, and end up completely losing themselves.  I have always found it important to maintain my self, my presence, so maybe I don’t let myself get too far gone, but I find it hard to understand why people would willingly allow themselves to end up in a wreck.  It boggles the mind. 

Anyway, this is short and sweet, cause I’m sleepy, but maybe I’ll expand on this another day.  Either when I stumble home from a long night, or when I’ve had more time to think about the concept of being inebriated.  Anyhoot, till next time.

Bifurcated…

After suffering through writer’s block for the majority of the last week, I think I’ve finally figured out what to write about.  It’s going to get a bit personal, because it’s mainly dealing with my emotions over the last month, so feel free to ignore it.  I just needed to get my mind cleared, because something has been gnawing at me for a while now, and I think I’m finally able to express it… although it may kinda suck.

I’ve been bouncing back and forth between intense depression and an irresistible urge to create.  This has been expressed by a lack of desire to do anything, followed by periods of intense blog writing or cooking.  This in turn has led me to feel more tired than at any other point in the past several years, which is saying a lot considering how long I’ve held multiple jobs, and working nearly 80 hours a week for several months during that stretch.  Emotionally, I’ve been a bit of a mess, and I honestly haven’t had much success in figuring out how to level everything off.

My moods appear to be paralleling the upcoming decision that I’ll have to make, and I’ve been wracking my mind in order to make sense of it all.  What is this decision you ask?  Well, even if you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you, because I can do that with my own blog.  It’s a simple enough question, but with implications that will affect the direction my life will go.  This is it: should I stay or should I go?

As many of you know, my wife has left for Japan to teach in the JET program.  She will be there for a minimum of a year.  I had originally applied for the opportunity to go there through the same program as well, but I was unfortunately rejected.  This led to the current situation where, with our wedding anniversary less than two weeks away, we are literally on opposite ends of the Earth.  I have been lamenting this fact ever since I learned that she was accepted and decided to go.  Although the anniversary is technically just another day, especially considering we’ve been together for almost 5 years now, there is something to be said for having made it to our first anniversary as a married couple.  Us being apart on that day has been harder on me than I’ve let on.  I hate it, but there’s not much I can do about it, as it’s all but impossible for us to be together that day. 

Anyway, as you can see, the main problem is the distance.  I hate the fact that we have to be apart.  The simplest solution to rectifying this problem is to pick up and move to Japan.  Some of you might be saying, “and?  If it’s the simplest, then go for it.”  However, as with many things in life, the simplest answer may not be the easiest.  By going, I am taking quite a risk, and to be honest, it’s a scary proposition. 

The risk lies in the fact that I’d have to leave everything behind, including my job.  As anyone knows, leaving a perfectly good job is a difficult idea to follow, as there seems to be a pretty high unemployment rate out there.  In line with this, I’m a person who needs security in his life, and picking up and leaving for Japan without prospects of a job honestly feels a bit shortsighted to me.  It might be fun while I’m there, with my wife taking care of me, but what happens when the program ends?  Sure, there’s a chance that I might be able to get a job out there, but there’s just as much likelihood that I won’t, and to me, that seems more likely, since I don’t speak the language. 

However, this isn’t the only reason why I’m hesitant to go.  My main problem with going is leaving everyone behind.  My family and my friends.  I’ve spent a lifetime building these relationships, and while I know moving away doesn’t mean that these relationships will end, it does put a severe strain on them.  We’ve all heard of the phrase “out of sight, out of mind.”  I’d hate to lose touch with all of these people that have meant so much to me.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I would gladly give my life for any one of my friends.  If I’ve chosen to have you in my life, and if I call you a friend, then you know I’ll have your back, in whatever capacity I can help.  The people in my life mean so much more than people might think, to the point where I’m not sure I could ever properly express it. 

Of course, there are just as many reasons to go.  First and foremost, as I’ve stated already, I hate being apart from my wife.  After finally finding the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I’m forced to be apart from her.  That’s pretty damn ridiculous.  Of all the people in my life, she is the most important, without question, and that takes precedence over nearly anything else. 

Secondly, it might just be time for me to take a risk.  I’ve played it relatively safe my entire life, especially when it comes to my job.  I’ve done jobs where I’m naturally skilled at it, what with all of my jobs centering around computers in some way or another.  I love technology, but having to do it as a job kind of kills some of the joy.  Not to mention I’ve been doing it for so long, there are times where I definitely feel bored with it.

On top of all of this, there are a lot of circumstances that have to be dealt with as well.  First, if I do decide to go to Japan, my wife would first have to be offered the opportunity for additional time there, as going there for a mere six months is just taking a stupid risk. It would take me that long just to get comfortable, not to say find a job.  Second, there is the possibility that I may be able to gain a promotion at my job that would give me a whole new set of responsibilities, primarily that of being in a management position.  That would honestly renew my interest in the job, as well as provide me the opportunity to work just one job instead of the two that I’m doing now.  It would be an incredible opportunity, and I’d be foolish to pass it up, as it would improve my resume and my life in general for the future. 

There just feels like so many decisions to be made, so many things that have to happen, and consequentially, so many things on my mind.  It feels like I can’t stop thinking about all of this, and it’s wearing me out.  I hate the fact that I have to choose between my life here, that I’ve spent so much time building, and my life with my wife, which would be an adventure.  I really wish I could do both, but I can’t exist in two places at once.  I feel like I’m being pulled apart into two completely opposite directions, and I don’t know how to handle it.  I’m not sure which way is the best way to go, and unfortunately, I’m someone who hates to act, in fact I’m pretty much paralyzed, unless I’m sure.  I’m going to have to make a decision soon though.  I guess all I can do is to make the decision, and hope for the best. 

At least I was able to get it out of my head for now.  Putting things down into words that can be read, examined, and considered is kind of cathartic.  Hopefully getting it out there will help me come to a decision.  Whatever happens, wish me luck.  I know I’m going to need it.

Faith and Misery

Ok, this one might make me a few enemies.  Faith is always a touchy subject, but I’ve been thinking about this for what seems like forever, and I’m in the right frame of mind to expound on some of my thoughts.  Feel free to comment, good or bad.  I’d like to hear your thoughts, because I’ve got a ton of questions, and definitely no answers.  I do have an idea though.  Get comfy, because this is going to be a long one…

Personally, I’ve always had an issue with religious faith.  I could never wrap my mind around something that had no proof.  The practice of religious faith seems to me to be having a belief in a greater being that is supposed to watch over you, and wishes you nothing but the best, but when things go horribly wrong for you, it is just part of his (and usually it’s a he for some reason) ultimate plan.  You’re not supposed to question it, you’re not supposed to lament it; you’re just supposed to accept it, appreciate that you have the life you have, and continue having faith that everything will work out, as long as you believe in the greater being.  For those of you who have great faith, that may have been an insulting summary, and I apologize if you took it that way, but that is honestly how I understand it.  I am just presenting my perspective on it, because that is what I have observed of this peculiar phenomenon called religious faith.

The thing that has always gotten me about this type of faith is that it almost seems that you are praised for not questioning.  As long as you follow all the rules, perform all the rituals, and never blaspheme against this higher power, you are considered a pious and faithful person, and fellow followers expect you to be rewarded for this behavior in the next life.  How is it possible that when bad things happen, these people are still able to keep such strong faith?  Losing a child, being disfigured, getting financially ruined, war, disease, crime, etc, etc.  All of these things exist in this world, and yet people are still capable of believing in a higher being that loves and cares for them.  I’m honestly confused.

Now, let me clarify something before I get any further, and before someone decides to call me a godless heathen.  I do not follow any organized religion, and I do not prescribe to any religious dogma or ritual.  However, this does not mean I am an atheist.  I do not believe that there is no god, or that there was no higher power that may have helped to begin everything.  I just honestly don’t know, and I’m not going to proclaim to have the answer one way or the other.  All I have are questions, ideas, and hypotheses.  As I have mentioned in prior entries, I am not arrogant enough to claim that I know the answers.  All I can do is keep an open mind, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept everything that is placed in front of me.  When there is a lack of consistency, or evidence of proof, I am inclined to ask questions, and dig around a bit in order to discover, if not the answer, then at least the reasons why the questions must exist in the first place.  This may of course just lead to more and more questions, but that’s just the kind of guy I am.  I warned you I’m kind of strange.

Having said that, this is my take on organized religion.  I believe that a long time ago, when people were first creating language and became truly self-aware, there was a need for something to unify them.  There is nothing quite as frightening as realizing that you’re going to die, and that there is nothing you can do about it.  In order to provide peace and comfort, someone put together a message that was presented to the masses in order to calm their fears.  “There is life after death, there is something beyond this life.”  When this was generally accepted, it’s possible that people became reckless and began to act as if there was nothing to lose.  In order to quell this rising tide of anarchy and chaos, they instilled fear into people with the threat of eternal torment in order to bring order.  When this proved to be effective, people found that you could use this power to their own advantage, and created rules and rituals that benefited the “leaders” of the religions. 

Why would I think this?  Well, because if there truly were a god that is all powerful, why would he or she or it (they really do need to come up with a pronoun that applies to an omnipotent being with no gender because “it” always feels like you’re referring to an inanimate object or a dumb animal) need to rely on a human in order to deliver its message?  Oh, I know the reasons that are given.  “Only the chosen ones can understand the message",” or “the common man would be unable to fathom the message,” or my favorite, “"if god talks to you, your head will explode.” ( That last one was from the movie “Dogma,” and may not be actual religious canon, but it’s still my favorite)  To all of these claims, I simply posit the question, “If god is so powerful… don’t you think he’d be able to get his message across to anyone and everyone that he wanted to?”  Oh, and for those who go “He’s always talking to us, there are those of us just not listening,” I point you to examples in the Bible where God decided to destroy the world with a flood, and Sodom and Gamorrah with meteors.  I’ve noticed any time I ever bring these questions or examples up to those who are highly religious, I am normally met with a look of disgust, and the comment “You just don’t understand faith.”  At which point, I want to yell, “EXACTLY! THAT’S WHY I”M ASKING!”

The biggest fault I can find with organized religion is the fact that everything is communicated by humans.  The same humans that throughout history have proven to be capable of lying, cheating, stealing, and manipulating others in order to reach their own ends.  Everyone knows the phrase “absolute power corrupts absolutely” (and if not, I’ve brought it up a handful of times myself") and when you have the ability to influence thousands, if not millions of people, then I would consider that about as close to absolute power as you can get.  How can anyone be sure that the originators of modern day religions were not simply really charismatic scam artists?

Modern day religions remind me of this little allegory I once heard.  There once was a cage of monkeys.  In one end of the cage was a banana, on the other end stood 6 monkeys.  Whenever a monkey would approach the banana, a hose would be turned on all of them.  Eventually, the monkeys were trained to associate approaching the banana with getting hosed.  This was then followed by replacing one fo the monkeys with a new monkey.  Inevitably, the new monkey would approach the banana, but the other 5 monkeys would grab at the monkey, possibly beating it or doing whatever they could to keep the monkey from approaching the banana.  Eventually, the new monkey would learn not to approach the banana for fear of being assaulted.  When this point has occurred, another of the original monkeys is replaced, and as with the first, it too would approach the banana.  However, now, the previous new monkey would attack the newer monkey along with the originals, because that had been what had happened to it.  This would continue until all the original monkeys were replaced.  Eventually, you would have 6 monkeys that were never hosed, who would still not approach the banana for fear of violent denial.  Why?  Because that’s how it’s always been done.

I’m not calling religious followers monkeys.  Far from it, because some of the most intelligent people I know are highly religious.  The only reason I bring up the story is because sometimes, people do things without finding out the reasons why they do it.  It almost feels like people are afraid to ask questions, because they are scared to find out that the things that they’ve been doing all along have no point.  They don’t want to feel as though they’ve wasted their life and their time, so they continue on in their behavior, because it’s easier than dealing with the possibility that things might not be what they appear to be.  This goes for more then just religious practices by the way.  It’s evident in any organization where practices have been in place for decades if not centuries.  You see it all the time, where people are wasteful, or do nonsensical things, and when you ask them why, they’ll tell you “Because that’s how it’s done.”

After reading this, or for the people who know me and are followers of religion, the question is inevitably posed, “So what do you have faith in?”  My faith lies within myself, and with the people I choose to have in my life.  I believe that through my own ability, and through the actions of my friends and family, that things will ultimately end up, if not great, then right.  I have faith that the people I have chosen to be in my life will always do what is best for themselves and for me, and that they would not willingly bring me any harm, as they believe that I will do no harm to them.  This faith has been rewarded time and time again, and I couldn’t be happier with the people that I have in my life. 

I figure this.  You wouldn’t trust or have faith in someone that has screwed you over several times, right?  So how can people believe in any god that would continually allow horrible things to happen to them, or allow bad things to happen in the world or general?  For those who bring up the concept of “free will” to explain away some of the issues, I’m applying my logic towards disease, natural disasters, or just horrible bad luck.  There has never been an explanation that has satisfied my curiosity towards that question.  So please, if you have a point of view that I may not have considered, share it.  I really want to know how it’s possible.

What’s your pleasure, what is your pain?

Yeah, I stole this title from a song lyric. If you know where it comes from, kudos! If not, then you’ll just have to find out what’s on my Zune, cause I got it from something that I’m listening to now.

Anyway, I was pretty political with the last blog, so I feel it might be time to bring back some of the philosophy, and it’s triggered by this nagging feeling I’ve had recently. This feeling, in turn, led to some pretty long conversations, which of course brings it here for you wonderful people to peruse. So maybe I should get into it huh?

For quite a while now, I’ve lived a pretty typical existence. I’ve done what your average person has done, been through what your average person has been through. I think you know what I’m talking about; going to school, going to college, finding a job, getting together with friends for drinks on occasion, etc. But there’s always been one thing that I’ve always felt has been missing, and the strange thing is I’m not sure I’m missing it because I actually miss it, or because I’m supposed to miss it. What is this mysterious thing that I’m talking about?

To put it plainly, it’s a passion for something. To have something that drives me, that I would devote myself to if given the opportunity. I’m not speaking simply of a hobby that I have some interest in, I’m speaking of something that you spend the majority of your free moments thinking about, something that you would somehow figure out a way to do for the rest of your life which might have the possibility of making a living from it, but in reality, you would do it regardless of any income. When I think about my life, I don’t recall any such feeling. I just recall feeling the need to move on to the next thing, in order to make sure my life proceeded “correctly”, at least by the standards that I had set for myself, which were, in and of themselves, based on the standards that I saw of everyone around me. I’m not sure if there’s anything that defines who I am.

Please understand, it’s not that I am without passion. I believe I am passionate on any number of subjects, and hopefully, through some of the things you’ve read from me, that you have seen the evidence to back up that claim. However, to have something that you absolutely love doing, that nearly consumes your being, and helps to define who you are, THAT is the thing that seems to be missing from my life. I seem to see it in nearly everyone around me, and yet, when I think of myself, there just isn’t that same identifier, that thing that I’m known for. I wonder if that’s not the reason for my general malaise, and near apathy about life in general.

However, at the same time, is such a thing really necessary? I wonder about the need to be completely consumed. Of those I’ve seen who have that passion, at least half of them seem to suffer for their craft. While they may say that they enjoy it, because the final product (whatever it may be) is well worth the effort, I have to wonder about how good it must be for their health. I know myself, I hate suffering. I can’t stand the idea of feeling utterly hopeless because of something that I love doing, either because I can’t do it, or I’m not doing it well. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so I know what my reactions would be like if I was passionate about something, but sucked at it. If it was a lifelong passion, that would only cause greater suffering. Granted if I were to have a lifelong passion, there’s no guarantee which direction I would end up, since that’s one of life’s little tricks. If I knew beforehand how much I would enjoy something, that would make everything so much easier, but life, of course, doesn’t work that way.

So now you see my dilemma. I long for something to define me, something that I love to do, but at the same time, I’m not sure if I really need it. I’ve felt for some time now that I’m just sort of doing the things that I’ve always needed to do, things that are expected of me, in order to progress through life. However, I want to have something for myself that I truly want to do, although I have yet to discover what it is, if in fact there is such a thing. Do I need it in order to live a happy and fulfilled life? I haven’t the faintest idea. I just know that for the time being, that’s what I want, but is it really something I need? Well, the wants vs needs argument is something I’ll save for another time, but suffice it to say, this has been causing me some degree of difficulty, thinking about this matter. Alas, I may never find an answer, because it requires something to just hit me, and inspire the passion within me, and there’s no guarantee that this sort of thing happens for everyone.

I guess what it really comes down to, for me anyway, is that I really wonder how other people come to find these passions of theirs. It seems as if it is just implanted at birth, and that it grows and blooms at some period in their life (normally pretty early) and it acts as a driving force behind their growth and the evolution as a person. If that were the case, am I just a really late bloomer in that regard, or do I just not have that seed? More questions to ponder, more things to fill my mind. Well, at the very least, I have this landing dock for the nonsense in my head.

Knee jerk reaction?

So today, President Obama threw his support behind the building of a mosque within the area of where the World Trade Centers used to be. I’m waiting for the eventual cries of “HE’S REALLY A SECRET MUSLIM!! SEE?!?! THIS PROVES IT!!” While these reactions are pretty damn ridiculous, I can see why people might feel that way. Despite everything that has happened since September 11th, 2001, Obama has been incredibly tolerant of nearly all things Muslim. Even though we are currently at war with two separate Muslim nations, and on the precipice of war with another, he still feels that accepting them as part of our country is the right thing to do. What is he thinking?

I think I can summarize it in about 7 words. “This is the United States of America.” This is a nation where our ideals are supposed to be our guiding force. One of these ideals is complete religious freedom, and a separation of church and state. This means that unless these people are breaking the law, then no one, not the government, not the public, should be allowed to stop them from doing what is completely within their rights. Just because you may not like it, and believe there is some sacred reason why they should not be there, doesn’t give you or anyone the right to shut them out.

For all of those out there who might be inclined to call me a hippie liberal, kudos to you for the original thinking (cough cough). But really, there’s a lot more going on here than mindlessly following along with people who you may believe to be part of some liberal, out of touch, bleeding heart, know-nothings. I have lived in New York my entire life. In fact, I spent a couple of years working in that area prior to 9/11. I have a lot of fond memories of that area, and I was as outraged by what happened as much as, if not more so than a lot of people out there. However, the people who are involved with the building of this mosque have nothing to do with the people who attacked the US. They are nothing like those animals, and they should be treated the same as anyone else.

I remember when they first announced that they might be building a mosque in that area. As soon as I heard it, my first thought was, “Oh boy, here we go now. It’s going to be months of people yelling about why they shouldn’t be there, how they have to take into account everything that happened there.” As it turned out, I was right. There was such a fast knee-jerk reaction, that you could almost feel the collective city of New York spasm. The overwhelming reaction was, “WTF! OMG! I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY'RE EVEN CONSIDERING THIS!” As soon as they heard “Muslim” and “World Trade Center,” the collective rage nearly made the city glow red.

Here’s the thing about this reaction... it’s not even consistent. You know where else there’s a mosque? In the Pentagon. You know, that other place that got attacked on 9/11? Yeah, the place that also happens to be a government facility. In fact, it’s the defense center of our country. I wonder how many people remember that part. It wasn’t just the WTC, there were other planes, and other people who died in the same horrific way. Strange how there was no public outcry about that. I guess it wasn’t high profile enough.

Even barring that, look throughout history. There have been crimes committed by every race, religion, and culture on this planet. Have we condemned everyone? People are being killed in the name of some god everywhere on this planet, at any given time, even in the name of the Christian god which this country seems to love so much. Have we condemned the Christian faith? No, because we know these people who commit heinous crimes in the name of some god aren’t really doing it for that reason, they’re only using it as a rationalization. These people would kill in the name of Spongebob Squarepants if there was nothing else.

It’s all too easy to pick on the odd man out, and right now, Muslims are that man. Considering how many Muslims there are in this world (at last estimate, it was something like 1.5 billion), the group of radicals that we’re facing now who claim to be committing acts while calling themselves Muslim is an incredibly small number. Anything can be twisted into a caricature of itself in order to serve someone’s own ends. The vast majority of Muslims are peace loving citizens, the same as everyone else. The same way that the hate exhibited by US citizens towards Muslims is based on the worst of them, is the same way all the world hates the US because of the worst of us. Neither one is justified.

Ultimately, it comes down to whether or not we should hold ourselves to a higher standard. What is the real reason people want to bar the mosque from being built on the WTC site? My opinion is that it is based on a petty need for revenge. The people involved with the mosque have absolutely nothing to do with the people who attacked us, yet just because they technically fall under the same religion as the others (although in reality, only in name), the public feels the need to vilify them, and to deny them what they are rightfully allowed to do. I believe that they want to build the mosque as an act of unity, in order to show that they support the country, and that they want to honestly be a part of it, not the negative view that so many people seem to have wherein they are putting the mosque there as some form of "victory dance. "It doesn’t help that a fair amount of politicians are trying to stoke the flames by denouncing it as an “assertion of Islamist triumphalism” (Newt Gingrich).

This is nothing more than a diversionary tactic, and in no way serves to make the American people safer, nor does it serve to end the war that we are engaged in with these radicals who claim to be part of the same group. Instead of upholding the Constitution that they are sworn to protect, certain politicians are ignoring it completely (when it’s convenient) and are using the situation as another chance to scare people to agree with their point of view.

As you can guess by reading this, I support the mosque. I think it needs to be done, in order to show the world that we’re not anti-Muslim, because the people we’re fighting aren’t really Muslim. They’re crazy bastards with a rationalization, and we shouldn’t give them the satisfaction of being allowed to use a religion to raise more support for their insane cause. I’m not religious by any means, but I still respect everyone's right to believe in what they want to believe. The people who want to build this mosque should be allowed to practice their religion freely, and in the place of their choosing. As long as they don’t do anything negative to others, why should we stop them?

Moral Responsibility (aka WTF are they thinking?)

This was supposed to be the first blog, and this is now the fourth time I’ve restarted this (computer problems, rewrites, brain farts) but I feel like this should be addressed. Hopefully all of these starts and stops served as practice…

So what is the latest thing on my mind? Well, it revolves around the things that are said and done by those that we hold in high esteem, or those in power. Now mind you, we don’t hold all the same people in high esteem, but we all do have people that we look up to, or at least trust to be an example. To clarify, I am speaking about those who have some form of celebrity. While some of what this blog will be about might have something to do with the personal heroes in your life, I’m aiming for people who are a little more far reaching, and have a good deal more exposure.

So who is this blog aimed at? I’m setting my targets on television personalities, politicians, high corporate bosses, and basically anyone who can reach a large audience and influence them with the things that they say or do. This, of course, is a bit of a wide category, but it’s not so much about the people between the crosshairs, as it is about the effect that they have on those who are under their power. So now, we get to the point. What is it exactly? Well, if you’ll just give me a moment, I’ll get to it. Sheesh, so impatient.

At what point did all of these people decide that they just stopped caring? I don’t mean in an apathetic “nothing matters in this world, life is shit” way. I mean at what point did it become all about personal gain? Actually, that’s probably a faulty question. If we look at people in power, it has always seemed to be those who are in power have always taken advantage of those they have power over. Hell, there’s even a saying, “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Maybe, the proper question to pose is, “At what point did these people in power get so stupid, that they couldn’t see their abuse of said power will only lead to the downfall of society, therefore leading to their complete and utter loss of power?” Whew, that was a mouthful.

Now that I’ve taken a breath (or a pause from typing), let me put forth some examples. First and foremost, look at the banking crisis that the country has just come through (or rather, that we’re still in the midst of). The heads of these banks allowed (and in fact encouraged) loans to people who had no serious hope of being able to pay it back. Now, I don’t understand all the wheeling and dealing behind the scenes that would make such a thing profitable, but did any of these people actually believe that this would lead to any long term wealth? It was a ticking time bomb waiting to happen, and when it exploded, it took out plenty of people with it. A lot of the people who got caught up in it could be considered innocent (although to be honest, why these people thought they could ever pay back these loans in the first place, is beyond me. That just speaks to a lack of personal responsibility, but that’s another blog), but a fair amount of people who were making these loans got caught up in it too, and there was a great deal of money lost. The biggest crime is that the ones in charge, the CEOs who thought up these plans, basically got away scot free. They all walked away with huge piles of money, while the ones they screwed are left holding the bill. However, what they fail to see is that by doing what they did, they have weakened the power of the economy itself, so all of that material wealth they gained will sooner than later amount to not much of anything. They may be living the high life right now, but many of these people live such extravagant lives (primarily because they have to keep up appearances that they are wealthy) that they burn through all their ill gotten gains pretty quickly.

Ok, so that’s corporate bigwigs. Who’s next? Well, let’s look at politicians. Now, here in NY, we’ve had some pretty huge political scandals in recent history. The one that comes to mind most clear is that whole mess with Pedro Espada and Hiram Monserrate switching political allegiance in order to gain power. This held up government for nearly a month, and when it was all said and done, nothing was accomplished except for the fact that Espada was given the Senate Majority Leader position. It didn’t improve the government at all, nor did it serve to actually change the power structure of the state senate, except for the fact that we now have an egomaniac in the highest position. At least there is some justice in this, because I guess when a politician decides to screw over other politicians, instead of just his constituents, they make sure they get paid back in spades. Currently, Monserrate has been kicked out because of his conviction in a domestic violence case. As for Espada, he’s being investigated for his other double dealings, in regards to his actual place of residence. Apparently, you can’t represent your district if you don’t actually live there, and you can’t just decide to take money from a non-profit and use it for personal expenses.. Oooooh, so that’s what it means to be a district representative. I guess Pedro forgot, and thought he could instead live in Mamaroneck, some 40 miles away from his actual district. I guess that’s what you call a “whoops!” Also,there are some questions as to funds related to Soundview Health Clinic, where he apparently used some of the non-profit’s funds for personal expenses. Oh, you mean that’s not his own personal piggy bank? Aw shucks, that’s just a simple mistake. I nearly half expected him to try to bat his eyelashes, pout, put his index finger on his lip and say, “I didn’t mean to…” while swaying side to side bashfully. After all of this evidence that shows what a dirtbag he is, he has the audacity to claim racism to those investigating him. He’s lucky his constituents haven’t chased him through the streets with torches and pitchforks, and hung him up by his toenails. I don’t know what kind of mind someone has to have in order to be so deluded into believing that they could get away with that kind of behavior.

Last, but definitely not least, I’m directing a great deal of ire towards television personalities who say the most outrageous things in order to get ratings. Prime target numero uno is Glenn Beck. In my opinion, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone who is so full of crap as this guy. For those of you who don’t know who he is, he’s a talking head on Fox News Channel. Prior to the election of Barack Obama to the Presidency of the United States, he was a pretty benign character. He was a typical Fox television personality. Toeing the line, agreeing with the Republican led government, never questioning what they did, always questioning anyone who questioned the government. However, ever since Obama became president, it’s like he’s reached a new level of crazy. To understand what I mean, I saw a segment on the “Media Matters” Youtube page that gave states that claim that Glenn Beck, since Obama’s election, has used the word “Nazi” over 200 times, the word “Fascist” or “Fascism” over 190 times, and “Hitler” over 140 times in reference to or to describe the current Democratic government. For those who are familiar with the term “reductio ad hitlerum,” you can see how absurd this man is. If you don’t know what what term means, it basically means as soon as you start using Nazis or Hitler to make a point, you’re immediately considered retarded. For example, if you’re getting into an argument, and someone whips out “Well you know what? That’s what Hitler did” in order to try to get the last word in, then you can immediately write them off as being a moron. This seems to be Mr. Beck’s only way of presenting an argument.

The problem is, there is a rather large group of people who haven’t written him off. In fact, they listen to what he says, absorb it, and make decisions based on it. How, you may ask? Some gun-toting, “patriotic American,” took Beck’s baiting, and decided to load up his truck with firearms, and proceed to wipe out an organization that Beck had repeatedly attacked as “a central player in a larger, nefarious cabal of Marxist/socialist/Nazi Obama-loving outlets determined to destroy democracy in America.” Hmmm… mass murder. I wonder if that’s what Beck means when he’s constantly telling people to “fight back” against the oppressive regime that is currently our government. Maybe he’s, I don’t know, just appealing to a simple-minded segment of the country in order to garner higher ratings, thereby increasing his popularity to get paid more? Naaaah… that couldn’t be it…

My point in all of this is that in all of these examples, there is one thing that all of these entities are failing to consider. Does what they do have a positive or negative effect on the greater good? Do any of them care about anything or anybody but themselves? Do they honestly believe that what they are doing is not wrong? If so, what kind of screwed up lives have they been living that would lead them to think that they’re right and righteous in their decision making? Where, in all of the actions described above, is the thought for their community, their fellow man, and society as a whole? Too often, people live by the phrase “I am not my brother’s keeper” in order to avoid responsibility for the things that they say, and things that they do in regards to those around them. This is not about keeping someone as you would a pet. This is about doing the right thing, so as to bring no harm to others.

This, I believe, to be one of the central codes of my own life. This is based on a decision that I made, not some rule placed on me by religion, forced down my throat by authorities, or secreted into my head by some form of brainwashing (at least I think…). But seriously, as a human being who actually has to live with other people, I believe that the most important code that anyone should live by, is to do no harm to others. It’s a simple rule, and yet, it seems these people, who have so much influence, who have so much power, can’t seem to get it. They will take advantage of anyone and anything in order to further their own agendas, to gain more for themselves, and to feed their own greed.

So where are the people of conscience? Where are the people who do care? Where are the people who can do something about this, and who will actually do the right thing? To be honest, I don’t know. Power is a difficult thing to gain, and the temptation to abuse it is great when you do get it. I’m not sure our society, as it stands, will produce a leader who can or will truly do the right thing. The only thing to do is to start small, start with yourself. Resolve to do no harm to others. We need a starting point, and that’s as good a one as any. Maybe, if enough of us resolve to do it, there will be a big enough movement. But who knows? Personal responsibility plays a big part in that, to be able to carry that on when things are tough. But like I said… that’s another blog.

PS. For those who are curious about some of the references I made up there, here's a list of some of the articles that I read that brought this to my attention.

Reductio Ad Hitlerum
"This is What Hitler Did": Beck's Obsessive Nazi Analogies
Eric Boehlert: Glenn Beck's Incendiary Angst Is Dangerously Close to Having a Body Count

Dealing with your own fortress of solitude

This was not originally going to be my first post, but the subject seems to be popping up a lot lately, so I figured I’d face it head on.

I’ve spent the majority of my life living with someone. In fact up until two weeks ago, I had never spent any significant amount of time alone. Whether it was living with my parents (26+ years) or living with my fiancée who’s now my wife (going on 2 years now), I’ve always had the presence and the aid of another person around the house. Thus, when my wife left to go to Japan two weeks ago, I was left to fend for myself for the first time in my entire life. This, to be honest, was a bit daunting. The concept of having to cook, clean, do laundry, and generally keep myself busy seemed like an overwhelming thing to do, because I’ve never had to do it all on my own. I’ve always had some help, and to realize that I’d have to handle it by myself made me worry about my health. The stereotype of a single man trying to maintain a home invariably leads to the man sitting amongst a huge pile of filth, severely malnourished (whether gaunt due to a lack of prepared meals, or obese because of too much fast food) and completely lacking in social graces. I feared this was the path I was headed towards, and one I wished most fervently not to travel down.

As the time has passed, I’ve begun to realize that I’m actually not that bad at holding my own when it comes to my home. It’s only been two weeks, but the house is still clean, I’m not starving to death, and I haven’t stagnated into an incoherent mess on the floor of my living room, staring at the ceiling, wondering when the apocalypse was coming. However, the one thing I’ve come to realize, and something I never gave much thought to, was just the ability to come home and have someone to talk to. You never realize how much you miss having someone to relate your daily happenings to, until you don’t have that person.

This got me to thinking. If I’m that lonely (and mind you, I’m someone who actually enjoys being regularly alone) how must my wife feel, being in a foreign country, not having her friends or her husband readily around, and not being able to talk about her deep feelings to someone because she has yet to make that kind of connection with someone? Well, as you can expect, it's been tougher on her than it has been on me. I’m fortunate enough to at least have my friends around, and somewhat readily available, if not in person, at least in the same time zone, where I can contact them without fear of interrupting their sleep.

One thing I’ve always found, when I have gone through my brief periods of alone time, is that my natural tendency is to isolate myself. I tend to pull inwards for some time, and take that time to reflect on how things are going, how am I going to handle my next task, and other miscellaneous things that have no rational connections in my mind (I’m just weird that way). I’m pretty sure most people aren’t like that though. In fact, from what I have experienced with my wife, I can say fairly certainly that this behavior is not normal in the least. I believe that most people crave social interaction, and when denied that interaction, things can go a little wonky. I’m sure many of you have heard of people who literally went insane from being isolated for too long. So how is one supposed to deal with it? If you’re forced into a situation where you are alone for some time, what do you do in order to combat the crazies?

Well, since this is my blog, I’ll tell you what I do/have done/would do in a situation like that. Currently, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about my daily activities. I like to be sure that I know what needs to be done the next day, so that no surprises come and smack me in the head when I least expect it. That takes up a fair chunk of my time, not to mention I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so I also spend a lot of time thinking up scenarios on how to deal with situations if things should go wrong. If nothing else, it’s an exercise for the mind, so it doesn’t grow completely stagnant and useless. Then, when that’s all done, I’ll spend time planning some type of social interaction, assuming there is something available. It could be hours, days, or weeks in advance, but it keeps my mind active, and gives me something to look forward to. That’s a big thing, having something that you want to do in the future, so you’re not too stuck in the here and now. Finally, I try to discover new things, whether it’s finding something interesting to read, trying to learn something that I didn’t know how to do before, or wandering around the city, finding places to relax. This can fill a great deal of time, and it’s rewarding, because when you’re not alone, you can bring that special someone with you to those places.

This is in great contrast to how it used to be when I was feeling lonely or isolated. I used to lament about the lack of activity in my life, complain about how I didn’t have any friends, trying really hard to make new friends in places that weren’t really conducive to it, and generally refusing to participate in things because I felt like no one really cared whether or not I was there because I felt rejected or ignored. I had this notion that I should matter to people, and if I did matter to them, they’d want to see me, so naturally, I should have a busy social calendar. Man, was that ever self-defeating. If you’ve ever heard of the term “self fulfilling prophecy”, then you can see where that led me. If you haven’t, basically it just means the more you believe in something, the more likely it will happen. In my case, I thought no one wanted to spend time with me, so I interacted with people with that mindset. I would be too needy, or too clingy, or too something, which would naturally drive people away. Hell, there are still moments that I do this, where I really, really, want to spend time with someone, and instead of just making plans for some future date, I pester them until they agree to meet me as soon as possible, which in turn would cause them to give me excuses as to why they couldn’t be there, which in turn made me pester them more, and etc. etc. ad nauseam ad infinitum. You can drive people away really fast when you’re trying to get closer to them. This can especially happen when you’re in a situation where you’re not familiar with your surroundings, or the people around you.

So that leads to the question, “So, how do you handle that situation now?” I think I’ve gotten better at dealing with being alone now. As I illustrated above, I handle it by focusing more on me. I enjoy being alone now, because it gives me time with my thoughts. However, that may not always be the best thing for some people. So how would I go about meeting new people in a new setting? Well, first of all, I’d make sure that I’d keep myself pretty busy with things. Not to the point of seeming unavailable, but to keep myself occupied, so I wouldn’t really have all that much time to think about how lonely I might be feeling. However, it’s inevitable that you’ll feel isolated if you just keep to yourself, doing your own thing all the time, so it’s important to get out there. The trick is to get out there, do your own thing, but do it around people. I know that sounds really strange, but just stick with me on this. If you’re out and about, you’re bound to come into contact with people. It’s just natural that if you’re outdoors, you will enter into an area surrounded by people. If you’re doing something you enjoy on your own, and if you’re doing it outdoors, you will likely run into someone who enjoys doing the same thing as you do, as long as you go to an area where the things you do are generally done (if anyone needs clarification on that last sentence, please comment, because just rereading it, I got a little dizzy). As long as you’re enjoying what you’re doing, you can’t lose, and if someone begins talking to you about it because they like it too, then you already have common ground on which to begin a relationship.

The important thing at this point though is to not care what the other person thinks of you. If you don’t click right away, then leave it be. The biggest mistake one can make is to feel the need to be liked, because that just reeks of desperation, and others can see that. People are always drawn to others who are confident in themselves, because (and correct me if I’m wrong) most people aren’t all that confident to begin with. There’s always something that people worry over, and they carry it around with them. Also remember, that if you don’t click with someone, realize that the person might not even be someone you’d want to click with. Not everyone is a winner, and you might have just avoided a huge pitfall.

Somehow, this ended up being a self-help blog entry, which isn’t what I normally do, but I think it’s important that people realize, you’re not alone out there when you’re feeling lonely. We live in a world where people are surrounded by millions of others, and yet still feel like they’re the only person in the world. We are social creatures by nature, and we all need some interaction, but the best way to overcome that feeling is just to be at peace with yourself. As long as your mind is occupied, and kept in shape, things will happen accordingly. People who seek attention and companionship rarely ever seem to find it. Those who seek self-improvement draw others to them, because people want to find out how you’re doing it. Everyone wants to improve, and if they can learn from you, all the better for the both of you.