Bifurcated…

After suffering through writer’s block for the majority of the last week, I think I’ve finally figured out what to write about.  It’s going to get a bit personal, because it’s mainly dealing with my emotions over the last month, so feel free to ignore it.  I just needed to get my mind cleared, because something has been gnawing at me for a while now, and I think I’m finally able to express it… although it may kinda suck.

I’ve been bouncing back and forth between intense depression and an irresistible urge to create.  This has been expressed by a lack of desire to do anything, followed by periods of intense blog writing or cooking.  This in turn has led me to feel more tired than at any other point in the past several years, which is saying a lot considering how long I’ve held multiple jobs, and working nearly 80 hours a week for several months during that stretch.  Emotionally, I’ve been a bit of a mess, and I honestly haven’t had much success in figuring out how to level everything off.

My moods appear to be paralleling the upcoming decision that I’ll have to make, and I’ve been wracking my mind in order to make sense of it all.  What is this decision you ask?  Well, even if you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you, because I can do that with my own blog.  It’s a simple enough question, but with implications that will affect the direction my life will go.  This is it: should I stay or should I go?

As many of you know, my wife has left for Japan to teach in the JET program.  She will be there for a minimum of a year.  I had originally applied for the opportunity to go there through the same program as well, but I was unfortunately rejected.  This led to the current situation where, with our wedding anniversary less than two weeks away, we are literally on opposite ends of the Earth.  I have been lamenting this fact ever since I learned that she was accepted and decided to go.  Although the anniversary is technically just another day, especially considering we’ve been together for almost 5 years now, there is something to be said for having made it to our first anniversary as a married couple.  Us being apart on that day has been harder on me than I’ve let on.  I hate it, but there’s not much I can do about it, as it’s all but impossible for us to be together that day. 

Anyway, as you can see, the main problem is the distance.  I hate the fact that we have to be apart.  The simplest solution to rectifying this problem is to pick up and move to Japan.  Some of you might be saying, “and?  If it’s the simplest, then go for it.”  However, as with many things in life, the simplest answer may not be the easiest.  By going, I am taking quite a risk, and to be honest, it’s a scary proposition. 

The risk lies in the fact that I’d have to leave everything behind, including my job.  As anyone knows, leaving a perfectly good job is a difficult idea to follow, as there seems to be a pretty high unemployment rate out there.  In line with this, I’m a person who needs security in his life, and picking up and leaving for Japan without prospects of a job honestly feels a bit shortsighted to me.  It might be fun while I’m there, with my wife taking care of me, but what happens when the program ends?  Sure, there’s a chance that I might be able to get a job out there, but there’s just as much likelihood that I won’t, and to me, that seems more likely, since I don’t speak the language. 

However, this isn’t the only reason why I’m hesitant to go.  My main problem with going is leaving everyone behind.  My family and my friends.  I’ve spent a lifetime building these relationships, and while I know moving away doesn’t mean that these relationships will end, it does put a severe strain on them.  We’ve all heard of the phrase “out of sight, out of mind.”  I’d hate to lose touch with all of these people that have meant so much to me.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I would gladly give my life for any one of my friends.  If I’ve chosen to have you in my life, and if I call you a friend, then you know I’ll have your back, in whatever capacity I can help.  The people in my life mean so much more than people might think, to the point where I’m not sure I could ever properly express it. 

Of course, there are just as many reasons to go.  First and foremost, as I’ve stated already, I hate being apart from my wife.  After finally finding the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I’m forced to be apart from her.  That’s pretty damn ridiculous.  Of all the people in my life, she is the most important, without question, and that takes precedence over nearly anything else. 

Secondly, it might just be time for me to take a risk.  I’ve played it relatively safe my entire life, especially when it comes to my job.  I’ve done jobs where I’m naturally skilled at it, what with all of my jobs centering around computers in some way or another.  I love technology, but having to do it as a job kind of kills some of the joy.  Not to mention I’ve been doing it for so long, there are times where I definitely feel bored with it.

On top of all of this, there are a lot of circumstances that have to be dealt with as well.  First, if I do decide to go to Japan, my wife would first have to be offered the opportunity for additional time there, as going there for a mere six months is just taking a stupid risk. It would take me that long just to get comfortable, not to say find a job.  Second, there is the possibility that I may be able to gain a promotion at my job that would give me a whole new set of responsibilities, primarily that of being in a management position.  That would honestly renew my interest in the job, as well as provide me the opportunity to work just one job instead of the two that I’m doing now.  It would be an incredible opportunity, and I’d be foolish to pass it up, as it would improve my resume and my life in general for the future. 

There just feels like so many decisions to be made, so many things that have to happen, and consequentially, so many things on my mind.  It feels like I can’t stop thinking about all of this, and it’s wearing me out.  I hate the fact that I have to choose between my life here, that I’ve spent so much time building, and my life with my wife, which would be an adventure.  I really wish I could do both, but I can’t exist in two places at once.  I feel like I’m being pulled apart into two completely opposite directions, and I don’t know how to handle it.  I’m not sure which way is the best way to go, and unfortunately, I’m someone who hates to act, in fact I’m pretty much paralyzed, unless I’m sure.  I’m going to have to make a decision soon though.  I guess all I can do is to make the decision, and hope for the best. 

At least I was able to get it out of my head for now.  Putting things down into words that can be read, examined, and considered is kind of cathartic.  Hopefully getting it out there will help me come to a decision.  Whatever happens, wish me luck.  I know I’m going to need it.