What’s your pleasure, what is your pain?

Yeah, I stole this title from a song lyric. If you know where it comes from, kudos! If not, then you’ll just have to find out what’s on my Zune, cause I got it from something that I’m listening to now.

Anyway, I was pretty political with the last blog, so I feel it might be time to bring back some of the philosophy, and it’s triggered by this nagging feeling I’ve had recently. This feeling, in turn, led to some pretty long conversations, which of course brings it here for you wonderful people to peruse. So maybe I should get into it huh?

For quite a while now, I’ve lived a pretty typical existence. I’ve done what your average person has done, been through what your average person has been through. I think you know what I’m talking about; going to school, going to college, finding a job, getting together with friends for drinks on occasion, etc. But there’s always been one thing that I’ve always felt has been missing, and the strange thing is I’m not sure I’m missing it because I actually miss it, or because I’m supposed to miss it. What is this mysterious thing that I’m talking about?

To put it plainly, it’s a passion for something. To have something that drives me, that I would devote myself to if given the opportunity. I’m not speaking simply of a hobby that I have some interest in, I’m speaking of something that you spend the majority of your free moments thinking about, something that you would somehow figure out a way to do for the rest of your life which might have the possibility of making a living from it, but in reality, you would do it regardless of any income. When I think about my life, I don’t recall any such feeling. I just recall feeling the need to move on to the next thing, in order to make sure my life proceeded “correctly”, at least by the standards that I had set for myself, which were, in and of themselves, based on the standards that I saw of everyone around me. I’m not sure if there’s anything that defines who I am.

Please understand, it’s not that I am without passion. I believe I am passionate on any number of subjects, and hopefully, through some of the things you’ve read from me, that you have seen the evidence to back up that claim. However, to have something that you absolutely love doing, that nearly consumes your being, and helps to define who you are, THAT is the thing that seems to be missing from my life. I seem to see it in nearly everyone around me, and yet, when I think of myself, there just isn’t that same identifier, that thing that I’m known for. I wonder if that’s not the reason for my general malaise, and near apathy about life in general.

However, at the same time, is such a thing really necessary? I wonder about the need to be completely consumed. Of those I’ve seen who have that passion, at least half of them seem to suffer for their craft. While they may say that they enjoy it, because the final product (whatever it may be) is well worth the effort, I have to wonder about how good it must be for their health. I know myself, I hate suffering. I can’t stand the idea of feeling utterly hopeless because of something that I love doing, either because I can’t do it, or I’m not doing it well. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so I know what my reactions would be like if I was passionate about something, but sucked at it. If it was a lifelong passion, that would only cause greater suffering. Granted if I were to have a lifelong passion, there’s no guarantee which direction I would end up, since that’s one of life’s little tricks. If I knew beforehand how much I would enjoy something, that would make everything so much easier, but life, of course, doesn’t work that way.

So now you see my dilemma. I long for something to define me, something that I love to do, but at the same time, I’m not sure if I really need it. I’ve felt for some time now that I’m just sort of doing the things that I’ve always needed to do, things that are expected of me, in order to progress through life. However, I want to have something for myself that I truly want to do, although I have yet to discover what it is, if in fact there is such a thing. Do I need it in order to live a happy and fulfilled life? I haven’t the faintest idea. I just know that for the time being, that’s what I want, but is it really something I need? Well, the wants vs needs argument is something I’ll save for another time, but suffice it to say, this has been causing me some degree of difficulty, thinking about this matter. Alas, I may never find an answer, because it requires something to just hit me, and inspire the passion within me, and there’s no guarantee that this sort of thing happens for everyone.

I guess what it really comes down to, for me anyway, is that I really wonder how other people come to find these passions of theirs. It seems as if it is just implanted at birth, and that it grows and blooms at some period in their life (normally pretty early) and it acts as a driving force behind their growth and the evolution as a person. If that were the case, am I just a really late bloomer in that regard, or do I just not have that seed? More questions to ponder, more things to fill my mind. Well, at the very least, I have this landing dock for the nonsense in my head.