Where’s the Relating?

Today has been a day full of conversation about relationships. I’m no expert at it, but then again, who really is?  Sure, there are people who claim to be, but they always end up being full of it, because you’ll find out they’re divorced, have no real friends, or have a lot of estranged family.  Anyway, the only reason I bring it up is because it’s got me thinking about relationships in general, and how they can go so wrong, so easily.

The thing I always notice first when talking to anybody about relationships, either in general or about theirs specifically, is how often communication seems to be a problem.  I know from personal experience that it’s all too easy to not say something because at the time, it feels better to either ignore whatever the issue is, or not say anything because you’re afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings.  This almost always comes back to bite you in the ass.  Not to say that you want to have a conversation every time something bothers you, because that would mean you don’t do anything but talk about the problems, but to never bring it up at all is basically the death rattle of any relationship.

The hardest part about talking about problems relating to your relationship with someone else is that most times, it puts the other person on the defensive.  If they didn’t think anything was wrong, they might wonder where the discussion is coming from.  No one wants to hear criticism about how they do things.  Most people want to believe that the things they’re doing are right, and assume that how they think is the way everyone around them thinks.  That might be too broad a generalization, but I’ve seen all too often how people will generally not question anything about their life if they don’t hear any complaints, even if the reason there are no complaints is because people don’t want to hurt your feelings. 

Personally, I feel that telling the truth, no matter how difficult, is the only way to approach issues in any relationship.  I’ve held true to that sentiment for the majority of my life.  I have had some truly difficult conversations because I felt they needed to be addressed, and despite the lengthy arguments they may have caused, the hurt that was felt, or the anger that may have arisen from it, ultimately, it was the right thing to do.  I’m always worried that if something is left to fester for too long, when it eventually comes out, it will only hurt that much worse than if you just faced it right off the bat. 

That being said, it’s hard to figure out when is the right time to approach a difficult subject.  A lot of times, there’s always something going on that just makes it hard to say what has to be said.  Then whatever it may be is put off to the side, and eventually forgotten until it gets retriggered, and then you realize you didn’t say anything the last time, so while it may annoy you even more as time goes on, you feel as though you can’t say something because you missed your chance.  Then it builds and festers, and becomes a much larger problem than it had to be, all because a few necessary words weren’t said.

I think there are only a handful of things that can happen that should derail a conversation.  One, if one of you just gave birth, give it a little bit of time. Two, if someone just died, back off.  Three, if you’re in the middle of a good vacation, wait until after, but if there’s time before the vacation, get it out of the way.  Finally, if one of you gets fired, take a breather and get past that first.  That’s really about it.  All too often, people let the little things, like they’re tired, or they had a bad day at work, or any number of minor inconveniences stop them from discussing things like adults.  These things will always be there, and they shouldn’t stop you from talking if it needs to be said.

Ultimately, I think if it’s something that you yourself would want to hear, then you should have the courage to talk to the other person about it, because they deserve that same respect.  Being afraid that you’re going to hurt their feelings, or ruin their day, or any number of things that you want to avoid just says that you don’t trust them to handle it like an adult.  If that’s how you really feel, then you might want to question the nature of your relationship.  A strong relationship is always built on trust, good communication, and the willingness to work through the difficulties together.  Without that, you’re better of single.  At least that way, the only problems you’re dealing with are your own.

Brain Drain

I have started and stopped more blog posts in the last few weeks than I care to admit.  I feel as though I can't get the words out of my head in any coherent form anymore, which is why there have been next to no blog posts for months now.  It's getting to the point where I wonder if I can even engage in intelligent thought anymore.  Some of it is due to lack of mental stimulation from taking care of my daughter all day.  The majority of it is due to my extreme level of apathy about my general state of being because I have been in a very unhappy phase of my life.  Existential issues notwithstanding, these past several months have been the most difficult of my life.  Whenever I stop whatever it is I'm currently doing, and have a moment to think, it tends to go negative very quickly, and my mood sinks.  I keep myself distracted with a lot of things, but nothing that engages me in any intelligent way. I know I should try, but any number of excuses pop up, and I'm left just sitting there, clicking away mindlessly on things that offer me some brief amusement, but nothing in the way of mental stimulation.

Having gone home recently to NYC, I spent a couple of weeks around my old stamping grounds.  Seeing friends, eating some of my favorite foods, being around my family again, it felt like I was being rejuvenated.  Sadly, upon returning to Japan, much of that faded, and rather quickly.  I was able to gain some perspective on things while home that I'm hoping will help me for the remainder of my stay here, but I find myself far too easily falling back into old routines.  I'm fighting it tooth and nail, something I wasn't doing before I had returned home for a little while, but it is creeping up on me. 

While there, a few of my friends spoke to me privately, confronting me with concerns they had about my well-being.  For the most part, they told me things that I had already thought of myself, but it really hit home coming from my friends.  I try my best to be an open book, so I shouldn't have been surprised they knew the general malaise I was feeling, but it still meant a lot to me that they were actually concerned.  I usually have this feeling that no one really cares, even though time and again I'm proven wrong.  Obviously, that's just my lousy self-esteem coming through again. 

Back to my original point though.  While I have had thoughts about things that I would have liked to write about, I routinely hit a wall in the midst of writing where I feel as though I can't say what I want to say properly.  This never used to be an issue, as I basically just let whatever verbal diarrhea I had at the moment spill forth on the page in front of me, and posted it.  Later, when I would go back to read it, it would make an odd sense, sometimes to the point where I had a hard time believing I actually wrote it.  Now however, I'll get about a paragraph or two in, read back over what I wrote, and realize that I had either lost the thread of what I wanted to write about, or I was going in a direction I had no intention of going.  I try to adjust, but always feel as though it's a lost cause, and I just delete everything and call it a night.  Hell, I'm about to do that now, but I'm making myself write SOMETHING, so that I I can hopefully get a feel for this again. 

I know this blog isn't exactly a widely circulated site, and I doubt anyone is actually getting much of anything from this, but the ability to write anything coherently used to be a real point of pride for me.  I liked looking back at something I had been able to say with some level of intelligence, and say "Wow... that wasn't half-bad."  It was a small victory for myself, and I'd like to be able to get back to that, but it just feels so far away right now, like everything else for me.  Maybe a small step like this will help get me started in the right direction again.  That, or it's just another emo post, and I should go back to livejournal and whine on there.