A State of Disbelief

This particular entry is written as a sort of response to many of the posts that I see on a regular basis from my friends who have faith.  While I doubt they mean to offend anyone, repeated postings of items that state that without God, there is little meaning to life, or that without God, I am not a good person, or any number of such statements can be taken a bit personally for someone who doesn’t believe.

I’m not sure I’ve ever made this entirely clear, but I am, in fact, an atheist.  I used to be agnostic, but as time went on, I felt a stronger pull away from the idea that there’s some omnipotent being that had some hand in creating everything, and is now watching over us and protecting us.  Science has always been something I’ve trusted and relied on, due to evidence and the ability to back up the claims that it does make, and the ability to admit when it makes mistakes, and continues to search for the correct answer.  It appeals to the analytical part of my mind, which admittedly, makes up a lion’s share of my thought process.

Anyway, here’s the problem.  Because of my atheism, it bothers me when people imply that I am not a good person because I don’t believe in a god.  The majority of the time, it’s in relation to the Judeo-Christian god.  Quotes from the Bible that proselytize, and admonish those who are non-believers regularly take up residence on my newsfeed, and memes from pages that extoll the virtues of being a believer or claim some sort of disability of the mind if you aren’t a believer flash across my face more times than I care to remember.  I know that not all of my religious friends are guilty of this, and I’m not writing this to place any blame, or to tell them to stop.  They have every right to express their faith in any way they care to.  I fully believe in the right to religion, and the freedom of speech, as long as there are no words of hate being spewed where religion is the justification for that type of action. 

However, I do feel I have to say something.  My being a good person is not dependent on what god I believe in.  My ability to do good is neither hindered nor helped by what faith I do or do not have.  I choose to do good things, and try to generally be a positive influence on the world around me because I think it is the right thing to do.  That belief comes from a life filled with the love of friends and family who have shown me that doing good is a reward in itself, and not due to an external influence.  I am not doing good to reach some vaunted afterlife, nor do I believe that doing good in this life will make things better for me after I die.  I believe that the life I have now is the only one I’ll ever have, and that I must use it to the best of my abilities to bring positivity to the world, which means the life that I have is the most important life I’ll ever get.  I have never needed the threat of punishment to understand that doing good is much better, by an order of magnitude, than doing bad. 

That being said, here comes the problem with being an atheist.  When the conversation of why you don’t believe in a god comes up, especially when speaking to someone who is passionate about their beliefs, the conversation inevitably comes around to the reasons why religion makes no sense to an atheist.  It will always seem like an attack, because you have to question the other person’s belief system.  It will tend to make the faithful think that atheists believe all people of religion are gullible and stupid, because an atheist will repeatedly punch holes and bring up contradictions within any religious belief system.  This is precisely why an atheist is an atheist, but to the faithful, all of those questions are answered by their faith, and that if the atheist would just believe, there would be no reason to ask the questions.  This, I believe, is the major impasse between the two groups.

This brings me to one of the reasons why I have been slightly hesitant to full out declare my atheism.  Much of the time I did any research into the atheist culture, I regularly run into smug, pretentious, overbearing people who believe that atheism is the only way to go, and that those who believe are moronic because of their faith.  Routinely, I have seen statements made that are made to ridicule people for their beliefs, and attacking the faithful for no other reason than to make the originator of that attack feel superior.  They try their best to make religion seem as ridiculous as possible, by condensing an entire belief system into silly imagery, or making it sound as outlandish as possible.  The majority of the hate is directed at Christianity, as that is the predominant religion in the world, especially in the US, so there are routinely references to “Zombie Jesus” or the justification of horrendous acts due to “God’s will”.  The only thing this serves to do is make people hate atheists, as it’s not the lack of belief that bothers people, but because the atheists come across as pompous jackasses. 

Here’s the thing for me when it comes to all of this belief vs non-belief stuff.  I chose to be an atheist because there isn’t enough evidence for me to believe there is a god, of any religion.  I do not understand faith because I simply don’t.  Those who have faith have a hard time understanding those without.  Both sides believe the answer is right in front of the other as long as they’d just look, but unfortunately, neither side sees the same thing.  As much as atheists aren’t terrible people because they don’t believe in a god, the same can be said for people of religion just because horrible things have been done in the name of a god.  Horrible things are always done with a justification, and religion is the easiest scapegoat, because it’s always easier to go “I’m doing this because I got orders from above” and not because the person doing it is a raging asshole.  If it wasn’t religion, it would’ve been something else, and then whatever that something else would’ve been blamed for the troubles of the world. 

There has been a lot of good done in a god’s name, I’d dare say much more good than bad.  However, there has been just as much good done for the sake of doing good.  All I care about is the fact that good is being done, regardless of the reasoning behind it.  Ultimately, caring for your fellow man, and not being a selfish, greedy prick, is a good place to start for being a good person.  What leads you to that decision doesn’t matter, as long as you do it.  I just hope people can understand that before it gets to be too late. 

Heal Thyself

Ok, so this is going to be one of my stranger posts.  It's based off of an idea that suddenly coalesced in my brain and it wouldn't let go, so I'm going to put it down on here, and if it somehow turns out to be scientifically possible, or maybe I just haven't seen the studies on it yet, I'd like to know I came up with it on my own... sort of.

Anyway, it began with this thing that my wife jokingly said to me before.  She says that orange juice is my life's blood.   I drink a LOT of OJ.  It is my go to drink most of the time, and whenever I'm feeling a little under the weather (which in and of itself is rare) I would just drink more and recover pretty quickly.  I've rarely had an illness that has laid me out for longer than a day or so, and I'm generally in good health.  Some of this may be a placebo effect, but I think we all know someone who is generally unusually healthy, despite not having what could be considered healthful habits.  So it got me to thinking.  What if our bodies are more attuned to a specific vitamin, or amino acid or something, and getting that particular need filled before others will lead to better overall health?

I may not have phrased that as clearly as I had hoped, so let me try to explain a little better.  There is a general belief that eating a healthful diet, as determined by some medical body or other, will lead to a healthy life.  However, this isn't true for everyone.  Some people can eat "normal" levels of vegetables, fruits, meats, fish, grains, fibers, etc., and still have health issues.  Cholesterol levels, heart disease, bad immune systems, all of these things are always blamed on genetic issues, predispositions, or some other vague thing that can't be explained.  What if it was simpler than that?  What if there was something that you as an individual could do that would lead to better health?

Something that we have to remember when approaching this is that everyone is different.  We all react to different things differently, whether mentally or physically.  With that in mind, I think that every individual person's body requires more of a specific vitamin, amino acid, chemical, or whatever, as opposed to a general diet for wellness.  Yes, you would still need to eat a decent diet, but if you were to get your fill of that specific thing that you need, you wouldn't need to overcompensate with other things, leading to a generally healthier life.

It gets a little convoluted here, so bear with me a little.  This makes sense to me because if you think about it, there are a lot of people overeating because they feel that they are trying to fulfill some need, and eating is the way to get it.  If they're eating all these things, and yet still barely getting the exact substance that they need that their body is craving, that would lead to a greater craving or desire to satiate whatever that need would be.  That would just lead to more eating, because they may be getting some of what they need, but not enough to fulfill them. 

To put it another way, think of the difference in gasoline octanes.  Most cars can run on the general stuff.  Low octane fuel is fine for most cars.  But there are some cars that need the higher octane stuff because their engines are designed to use that more efficiently.  If you use the low octane stuff, you get less efficiency out of the engine, and actually end up doing damage.  Think of that as the same thing for your body.  Most people can run on the general stuff and get along fine, but there are some bodies that require a different type of fuel, something more specific to their makeup, and that would help them run better, but if they don't get it, they could end up with any number of issues, whether it's obesity, illnesses, or just a generally lower level of health.

Now the problem of course is I have no way of proving this.  It's just general speculation on my part, but it makes sense in a way.  We all know that person who drinks a ton of alcohol, eats like a horse, never works out, yet is fully functional, maybe not in the best shape, but far from slovenly, and is rarely sick.  At the same time, we know people who do every diet in the world, work out religiously, get regular checkups, but something is always wrong with them medically.  It may be a situation where person A is by some dumb chance getting that thing they need while person B isn't because it isn't within the range of what they're doing.  There is some evidence to support this idea, since there are diseases that require you to eat high amounts of carbs in order not to get debilitating symptoms, or require you to intake high amounts of protein in order to function properly.  General guidelines would say that either idea is nuts, yet it's still required in order for that person who has that illness to function properly.  Why not take it further and break it down to the most basic level?  There is also precedent for this idea because when your body is craving certain nutrients, you will do basically anything to get them.  Like one of the stories I saw on the Discovery channel or The Learning Channel (before they became all about bad reality shows) where someone was lost at sea, and would regularly eat the eyes and the bones of the fish he caught instead of the meat of the fish because his body required the calcium and some other protein or amino acid that only the eyes could provide.  Not exactly something you would think to do, but the need of his body and the access that he had led to that particular scenario.

It would be an interesting study to run, to see if this might be the case.  It could revolutionize the health and wellness industry, not to mention the medical industry.  It would be the greatest form of preventative medicine, since you'd be less likely to get sick as long as you were able to get what you needed easily.  Then that could lead to pursuit of other things, as health wouldn't be as much of an issue, and would actually help poorer nations, since they could concentrate on what they need instead of just shotgunning ideas.  No, I don't think this would eliminate all disease, but it might be able to take care of the more common ones, and less days where you're sick mean more days that you can do what you want and what you need.  If a test could be formulated to quickly and easily determine what bit of nutrition you needed, it would save everyone a lot of time and resources.  They have genetic testing that can tell whether you're more prone to certain types of cancer, so this test wouldn't be so far off. 

I know there haven't been a lot of specifics in this, and like I said, it's more to do with the fact that this is some vague idea I had.  It likely has no merit in actual science, but hey, ideas have to come from somewhere, and if it bears out, I can always say I had that idea early on.  Besides, this is just a blog where the detritus in my head comes to settle, so this is sometimes what you end up with.  Some of my pseudo-science.  Anyway, if anyone knows of any similar ideas being explored by actual scientific minds, I'd love to know, so feel free to send me links.  I'm always up for reading something new and interesting.

Where’s the Relating?

Today has been a day full of conversation about relationships. I’m no expert at it, but then again, who really is?  Sure, there are people who claim to be, but they always end up being full of it, because you’ll find out they’re divorced, have no real friends, or have a lot of estranged family.  Anyway, the only reason I bring it up is because it’s got me thinking about relationships in general, and how they can go so wrong, so easily.

The thing I always notice first when talking to anybody about relationships, either in general or about theirs specifically, is how often communication seems to be a problem.  I know from personal experience that it’s all too easy to not say something because at the time, it feels better to either ignore whatever the issue is, or not say anything because you’re afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings.  This almost always comes back to bite you in the ass.  Not to say that you want to have a conversation every time something bothers you, because that would mean you don’t do anything but talk about the problems, but to never bring it up at all is basically the death rattle of any relationship.

The hardest part about talking about problems relating to your relationship with someone else is that most times, it puts the other person on the defensive.  If they didn’t think anything was wrong, they might wonder where the discussion is coming from.  No one wants to hear criticism about how they do things.  Most people want to believe that the things they’re doing are right, and assume that how they think is the way everyone around them thinks.  That might be too broad a generalization, but I’ve seen all too often how people will generally not question anything about their life if they don’t hear any complaints, even if the reason there are no complaints is because people don’t want to hurt your feelings. 

Personally, I feel that telling the truth, no matter how difficult, is the only way to approach issues in any relationship.  I’ve held true to that sentiment for the majority of my life.  I have had some truly difficult conversations because I felt they needed to be addressed, and despite the lengthy arguments they may have caused, the hurt that was felt, or the anger that may have arisen from it, ultimately, it was the right thing to do.  I’m always worried that if something is left to fester for too long, when it eventually comes out, it will only hurt that much worse than if you just faced it right off the bat. 

That being said, it’s hard to figure out when is the right time to approach a difficult subject.  A lot of times, there’s always something going on that just makes it hard to say what has to be said.  Then whatever it may be is put off to the side, and eventually forgotten until it gets retriggered, and then you realize you didn’t say anything the last time, so while it may annoy you even more as time goes on, you feel as though you can’t say something because you missed your chance.  Then it builds and festers, and becomes a much larger problem than it had to be, all because a few necessary words weren’t said.

I think there are only a handful of things that can happen that should derail a conversation.  One, if one of you just gave birth, give it a little bit of time. Two, if someone just died, back off.  Three, if you’re in the middle of a good vacation, wait until after, but if there’s time before the vacation, get it out of the way.  Finally, if one of you gets fired, take a breather and get past that first.  That’s really about it.  All too often, people let the little things, like they’re tired, or they had a bad day at work, or any number of minor inconveniences stop them from discussing things like adults.  These things will always be there, and they shouldn’t stop you from talking if it needs to be said.

Ultimately, I think if it’s something that you yourself would want to hear, then you should have the courage to talk to the other person about it, because they deserve that same respect.  Being afraid that you’re going to hurt their feelings, or ruin their day, or any number of things that you want to avoid just says that you don’t trust them to handle it like an adult.  If that’s how you really feel, then you might want to question the nature of your relationship.  A strong relationship is always built on trust, good communication, and the willingness to work through the difficulties together.  Without that, you’re better of single.  At least that way, the only problems you’re dealing with are your own.

Brain Drain

I have started and stopped more blog posts in the last few weeks than I care to admit.  I feel as though I can't get the words out of my head in any coherent form anymore, which is why there have been next to no blog posts for months now.  It's getting to the point where I wonder if I can even engage in intelligent thought anymore.  Some of it is due to lack of mental stimulation from taking care of my daughter all day.  The majority of it is due to my extreme level of apathy about my general state of being because I have been in a very unhappy phase of my life.  Existential issues notwithstanding, these past several months have been the most difficult of my life.  Whenever I stop whatever it is I'm currently doing, and have a moment to think, it tends to go negative very quickly, and my mood sinks.  I keep myself distracted with a lot of things, but nothing that engages me in any intelligent way. I know I should try, but any number of excuses pop up, and I'm left just sitting there, clicking away mindlessly on things that offer me some brief amusement, but nothing in the way of mental stimulation.

Having gone home recently to NYC, I spent a couple of weeks around my old stamping grounds.  Seeing friends, eating some of my favorite foods, being around my family again, it felt like I was being rejuvenated.  Sadly, upon returning to Japan, much of that faded, and rather quickly.  I was able to gain some perspective on things while home that I'm hoping will help me for the remainder of my stay here, but I find myself far too easily falling back into old routines.  I'm fighting it tooth and nail, something I wasn't doing before I had returned home for a little while, but it is creeping up on me. 

While there, a few of my friends spoke to me privately, confronting me with concerns they had about my well-being.  For the most part, they told me things that I had already thought of myself, but it really hit home coming from my friends.  I try my best to be an open book, so I shouldn't have been surprised they knew the general malaise I was feeling, but it still meant a lot to me that they were actually concerned.  I usually have this feeling that no one really cares, even though time and again I'm proven wrong.  Obviously, that's just my lousy self-esteem coming through again. 

Back to my original point though.  While I have had thoughts about things that I would have liked to write about, I routinely hit a wall in the midst of writing where I feel as though I can't say what I want to say properly.  This never used to be an issue, as I basically just let whatever verbal diarrhea I had at the moment spill forth on the page in front of me, and posted it.  Later, when I would go back to read it, it would make an odd sense, sometimes to the point where I had a hard time believing I actually wrote it.  Now however, I'll get about a paragraph or two in, read back over what I wrote, and realize that I had either lost the thread of what I wanted to write about, or I was going in a direction I had no intention of going.  I try to adjust, but always feel as though it's a lost cause, and I just delete everything and call it a night.  Hell, I'm about to do that now, but I'm making myself write SOMETHING, so that I I can hopefully get a feel for this again. 

I know this blog isn't exactly a widely circulated site, and I doubt anyone is actually getting much of anything from this, but the ability to write anything coherently used to be a real point of pride for me.  I liked looking back at something I had been able to say with some level of intelligence, and say "Wow... that wasn't half-bad."  It was a small victory for myself, and I'd like to be able to get back to that, but it just feels so far away right now, like everything else for me.  Maybe a small step like this will help get me started in the right direction again.  That, or it's just another emo post, and I should go back to livejournal and whine on there.

Not Wise, Maybe Just Lucky

When I began this blog, I named it “Questionable Wisdom” as a bit of conceit, because I had been told numerous times “You’re wise for your age.”  There was this idea in my head that I had something intelligent to say, and what I had to say might have a chance at helping others.  However, I still put it as questionable, mainly because I wasn’t so conceited as to believe I was actually wise, so I added a bit of self-deprecation in order to smooth off the ego a bit.

As I’ve continued writing here (albeit intermittently) it’s become less about any sort of observations that I’ve made about the world, and more about personal insight.  The majority of it seems to be griping, but there have been layers of trying to dive deeper into my own psyche to understand all of the issues in my head.  Much of it deals with the depression I’ve been fighting with over the course of my life.  I look back at my life, and some of my old photos, and I don’t think I could ever categorize myself as a happy go lucky person.  The phrase I’ve heard more than any other is “Are you okay?”  I’ve always had sort of a dour look on my face when I’m not really focusing on anything, and that has led to a fair share of people worrying that something might be wrong.  I always just used to automatically shrug it off, because I felt more or less fine, but lately, something has been festering in me that makes me wonder if something isn’t wrong.

I’ve been thinking about it (more agonizing over it really) as to what the problem might be.  I look at my life, and I’m actually pretty fortunate.  I seem to have a lot going for me.  I have an amazing wife and daughter, great family and friends, I’ve never had a particularly hard life outside of whatever hardships I create for myself, and in general, I’m surrounded by good people.  However, it all seems to come down to this feeling that I have that I don’t really deserve any of it.  I don’t think I’ve done anything to deserve the life I live, except maybe stumble into some lucky circumstances.  There are people who are better than me by leaps and bounds who aren’t as fortunate, and I always think they deserve it more than I do.

Much of this is likely tied to my self-esteem issues.  I don’t think highly of myself in the least, and it’s always been that way.  I tend to set up high expectations for myself, and continually fail to meet any of them, so there’s always some major disappointment for myself.  This has led me to set lower standards for myself, but somehow, I still manage to completely miss the goal, and therefore continue to feel more and more useless.  Mind you, these are more overarching goals, not little day to day things, although admittedly, I’ve been failing at those too lately, which is probably due to my depression.  I just don’t feel like doing anything aside from sitting there and wallowing in my own self-pity. 

The only thing that seems to keep me going, at least lately, is my sense of duty.  I have to make sure my daughter is healthy.  I absolutely cannot allow my own flaws and faults trickle down and affect my daughter negatively.  She is a helpless, defenseless little thing, and I would be doing a great disservice to her by not doing everything I could, even if I don’t think that I can, in order to make sure she has her best chance at a happy life.  I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to her under my watch.  I already feel like I failed myself long ago, I can’t afford to fail her as well.

However, this all drains me on a regular basis.  Having to pull myself out of bed every day, and prepare meals, and clean up after her, and try to keep her entertained during the day requires a lot of effort and energy, neither of which I have in abundance.  By the end of the day, when my wife comes home, I just want to curl up into a ball, and be left alone.  However, there are still things to be done, and I have to help because it’s only fair, since my wife is the one who works and provides us with the capacity to live.  So most nights, I end up staying up late, way later than I should, just so I have some time to myself, and just sort of sit and be miserable for a while.  Somehow, it’s therapeutic, even if it doesn’t sound like it. 

I’ve been more consistently angry at myself lately because I don’t think I’m being the type of father that my daughter really needs right now.  She deserves someone who’s happy, and enjoys life so that he can show her how, but she’s got me, this depressive, damn near immobile father who acts like he’s moving heaven and earth to get her some lunch.  I feel like I should enjoy watching my daughter, and there are times I do, especially when I can get her to laugh, but most times, it just feels like so much work, more work than I’m willing to do.  But, I still do it, because I know how important it is, and whatever effort I can muster is better than nothing at all.  Maybe not by much, but at least it’s something, right?

Back to my point earlier though about not feeling like I deserve the life I have.  It mainly comes from the idea that I don’t think I’m doing anything special to deserve all of these good people in my life.  Hell, even here, in Japan, where I barely know anyone, I’ve been fortunate enough to meet these people who are absolutely amazing with children, who I can go to for advise, and who are willing to help and have gone out of their way to do so.  What are the odds of finding these type of people right when my wife gets pregnant, and I feel like I’m at a total loss?  I’m just lucky my wife has been able to befriend them, and they’re nice enough people to put up with me. 

However, I digress again.  I feel like I’m doing what is necessary, nothing special, or above and beyond the norm.  I’m doing the things that should be expected out of anyone in my position, because these things are necessary.  I’ve always been surprised by how people react when they find out I do some particular thing that I don’t think deserves any praise because it’s something I’m supposed to do.  Like watching my daughter, since my wife works.  Well, who else is supposed to watch my child?  I don’t work, so the least I could do is take care of my daughter.  What’s so special about that?  Some people seem so amazed and flabbergasted by it, and I just stand there scratching my head, wondering why the surprise. 

And don’t give me the , “Well, not everyone does what they’re supposed to do,” spiel, because I don’t want to be compared to people who are bad at being decent people.  That doesn’t make me feel better about myself, it just makes me angry that those type of people exist.  I just don’t think I’m really exceptional in any way, and that the people in my life and the life I lead belong to someone else, someone who’s more deserving. 

I think I’ve beaten that horse to death by now.  You get the idea.  Anyway, that’s the general feeling that has been plaguing me for some time now.  I’m not sure if it’s a situation where I don’t actually deserve my life which is causing me turmoil, or whether it’s just a quirk in my personality that doesn’t allow me to see or care about what I have done to deserve it, or some other alternative that just makes me more depressed thinking about it. 

At any rate, I think this is one of the main reasons that keep me from feeling any sort of lasting happiness.  It’s obviously something I have to work on, and I’m trying, but there are days I just feel defeated by myself, and I’d rather just give up.  Like I said, I couldn’t, because my daughter needs me, and if I’m honest with myself, I’m far too much of a coward to just give up.  The hard part will be trying to not let these feelings filter down to my daughter, lest I poison her with my depression.  I would never want her to go through what I have, because it’s been a hard thing to deal with, and a sweet child like her really shouldn’t have to deal with such things. 

I of course plan to keep trying to improve myself in some ways so that I feel less trapped by these feelings, but no guarantee that anything I try will help.  In the meantime, I can and will continue to do what I must for the life that I’m leading right now.  I just hope it’s good enough, or at least that I’m lucky enough that it will go well…