Dealing with your own fortress of solitude

This was not originally going to be my first post, but the subject seems to be popping up a lot lately, so I figured I’d face it head on.

I’ve spent the majority of my life living with someone. In fact up until two weeks ago, I had never spent any significant amount of time alone. Whether it was living with my parents (26+ years) or living with my fiancée who’s now my wife (going on 2 years now), I’ve always had the presence and the aid of another person around the house. Thus, when my wife left to go to Japan two weeks ago, I was left to fend for myself for the first time in my entire life. This, to be honest, was a bit daunting. The concept of having to cook, clean, do laundry, and generally keep myself busy seemed like an overwhelming thing to do, because I’ve never had to do it all on my own. I’ve always had some help, and to realize that I’d have to handle it by myself made me worry about my health. The stereotype of a single man trying to maintain a home invariably leads to the man sitting amongst a huge pile of filth, severely malnourished (whether gaunt due to a lack of prepared meals, or obese because of too much fast food) and completely lacking in social graces. I feared this was the path I was headed towards, and one I wished most fervently not to travel down.

As the time has passed, I’ve begun to realize that I’m actually not that bad at holding my own when it comes to my home. It’s only been two weeks, but the house is still clean, I’m not starving to death, and I haven’t stagnated into an incoherent mess on the floor of my living room, staring at the ceiling, wondering when the apocalypse was coming. However, the one thing I’ve come to realize, and something I never gave much thought to, was just the ability to come home and have someone to talk to. You never realize how much you miss having someone to relate your daily happenings to, until you don’t have that person.

This got me to thinking. If I’m that lonely (and mind you, I’m someone who actually enjoys being regularly alone) how must my wife feel, being in a foreign country, not having her friends or her husband readily around, and not being able to talk about her deep feelings to someone because she has yet to make that kind of connection with someone? Well, as you can expect, it's been tougher on her than it has been on me. I’m fortunate enough to at least have my friends around, and somewhat readily available, if not in person, at least in the same time zone, where I can contact them without fear of interrupting their sleep.

One thing I’ve always found, when I have gone through my brief periods of alone time, is that my natural tendency is to isolate myself. I tend to pull inwards for some time, and take that time to reflect on how things are going, how am I going to handle my next task, and other miscellaneous things that have no rational connections in my mind (I’m just weird that way). I’m pretty sure most people aren’t like that though. In fact, from what I have experienced with my wife, I can say fairly certainly that this behavior is not normal in the least. I believe that most people crave social interaction, and when denied that interaction, things can go a little wonky. I’m sure many of you have heard of people who literally went insane from being isolated for too long. So how is one supposed to deal with it? If you’re forced into a situation where you are alone for some time, what do you do in order to combat the crazies?

Well, since this is my blog, I’ll tell you what I do/have done/would do in a situation like that. Currently, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about my daily activities. I like to be sure that I know what needs to be done the next day, so that no surprises come and smack me in the head when I least expect it. That takes up a fair chunk of my time, not to mention I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so I also spend a lot of time thinking up scenarios on how to deal with situations if things should go wrong. If nothing else, it’s an exercise for the mind, so it doesn’t grow completely stagnant and useless. Then, when that’s all done, I’ll spend time planning some type of social interaction, assuming there is something available. It could be hours, days, or weeks in advance, but it keeps my mind active, and gives me something to look forward to. That’s a big thing, having something that you want to do in the future, so you’re not too stuck in the here and now. Finally, I try to discover new things, whether it’s finding something interesting to read, trying to learn something that I didn’t know how to do before, or wandering around the city, finding places to relax. This can fill a great deal of time, and it’s rewarding, because when you’re not alone, you can bring that special someone with you to those places.

This is in great contrast to how it used to be when I was feeling lonely or isolated. I used to lament about the lack of activity in my life, complain about how I didn’t have any friends, trying really hard to make new friends in places that weren’t really conducive to it, and generally refusing to participate in things because I felt like no one really cared whether or not I was there because I felt rejected or ignored. I had this notion that I should matter to people, and if I did matter to them, they’d want to see me, so naturally, I should have a busy social calendar. Man, was that ever self-defeating. If you’ve ever heard of the term “self fulfilling prophecy”, then you can see where that led me. If you haven’t, basically it just means the more you believe in something, the more likely it will happen. In my case, I thought no one wanted to spend time with me, so I interacted with people with that mindset. I would be too needy, or too clingy, or too something, which would naturally drive people away. Hell, there are still moments that I do this, where I really, really, want to spend time with someone, and instead of just making plans for some future date, I pester them until they agree to meet me as soon as possible, which in turn would cause them to give me excuses as to why they couldn’t be there, which in turn made me pester them more, and etc. etc. ad nauseam ad infinitum. You can drive people away really fast when you’re trying to get closer to them. This can especially happen when you’re in a situation where you’re not familiar with your surroundings, or the people around you.

So that leads to the question, “So, how do you handle that situation now?” I think I’ve gotten better at dealing with being alone now. As I illustrated above, I handle it by focusing more on me. I enjoy being alone now, because it gives me time with my thoughts. However, that may not always be the best thing for some people. So how would I go about meeting new people in a new setting? Well, first of all, I’d make sure that I’d keep myself pretty busy with things. Not to the point of seeming unavailable, but to keep myself occupied, so I wouldn’t really have all that much time to think about how lonely I might be feeling. However, it’s inevitable that you’ll feel isolated if you just keep to yourself, doing your own thing all the time, so it’s important to get out there. The trick is to get out there, do your own thing, but do it around people. I know that sounds really strange, but just stick with me on this. If you’re out and about, you’re bound to come into contact with people. It’s just natural that if you’re outdoors, you will enter into an area surrounded by people. If you’re doing something you enjoy on your own, and if you’re doing it outdoors, you will likely run into someone who enjoys doing the same thing as you do, as long as you go to an area where the things you do are generally done (if anyone needs clarification on that last sentence, please comment, because just rereading it, I got a little dizzy). As long as you’re enjoying what you’re doing, you can’t lose, and if someone begins talking to you about it because they like it too, then you already have common ground on which to begin a relationship.

The important thing at this point though is to not care what the other person thinks of you. If you don’t click right away, then leave it be. The biggest mistake one can make is to feel the need to be liked, because that just reeks of desperation, and others can see that. People are always drawn to others who are confident in themselves, because (and correct me if I’m wrong) most people aren’t all that confident to begin with. There’s always something that people worry over, and they carry it around with them. Also remember, that if you don’t click with someone, realize that the person might not even be someone you’d want to click with. Not everyone is a winner, and you might have just avoided a huge pitfall.

Somehow, this ended up being a self-help blog entry, which isn’t what I normally do, but I think it’s important that people realize, you’re not alone out there when you’re feeling lonely. We live in a world where people are surrounded by millions of others, and yet still feel like they’re the only person in the world. We are social creatures by nature, and we all need some interaction, but the best way to overcome that feeling is just to be at peace with yourself. As long as your mind is occupied, and kept in shape, things will happen accordingly. People who seek attention and companionship rarely ever seem to find it. Those who seek self-improvement draw others to them, because people want to find out how you’re doing it. Everyone wants to improve, and if they can learn from you, all the better for the both of you.