I’ve noticed something about myself over the last few months. It may go further back than that, but I’ve only recently really been paying attention, so I don’t have a very clear timeline available. Basically, I think I’m slowly becoming a worse person. Maybe not leaps and bounds; I’m not talking about going from Mary Poppins to Jack the Ripper, but I just notice subtle things about myself that I would have definitely frowned upon if I were to view myself from a past version of myself. I guess that fact that I notice it says something at least about my ability to be introspective.
The primary thing that I’ve noticed about myself is the recent surge in foul language that emanates from my mouth. I have a habit recently of just spewing expletives without much thought. A casual “fuck” here, or a “shit” there, or any number of curses have spewed from my mouth lately, and this is something that I had taken some time to eliminate from my vocabulary some time back, only to have it resurface lately. I have either taught myself (or really convinced myself) that expletives were for people who had no better way to express themselves, a means for people who couldn’t think about what they were saying to so they just spit out a swear in order to get their point across. “Yeah, I get it, you’re angry, but do you mind not using ‘fuck’ as a comma please?”
Mind you, I don’t have a problem with the words themselves. I don’t get on other people’s cases about using the words, because I don’t think it’s fair to hold other people to my standards that I have for myself. However, when I’m breaking my own standards, it’s time to take a look at myself. Something obviously has been pushing me to the point where I’m losing my ability to speak clearly and effectively without using vulgar language.
Another sign is that I’m generally a nice person, but my temper and my patience have shrunken to the point where they are nearly imperceptible. It seems I am always a hair’s breadth from exploding, and that’s really bad when you’re in the industry that I’m in. When you have to deal with people that are frustrating, instigative, or just downright dumb, you have to show a lot of patience and understanding, or you’re going to be out of a job quickly. For the most part, I’ve been able to handle it, but every now and then, the veneer slips, and I think people have been noticing that there’s just a little bit more of a rageful creature trying to escape.
So where is all of this coming from? It is simple enough to answer that. It just comes from the fact that I am dealing with a number of stressful situations that I need to find the resolutions for, but which I am failing miserably at accomplishing. Being physically separated from my wife as long as I have been, there is no release for my day to day annoyances, as I don’t really have someone to talk to quite as easily as I would have liked. Also, there is the question of whether or not I will be leaving this country indefinitely, depending on what happens with my current job status. On top of that, there is the added frustration of not enough rest, since I have given away my weekends in order to work a second job for more than 3 years now.
None of this is new. It has been building for some time now, with the majority of it coming to a head in the last few months. I am living in a state of purgatory, limbo, suspension, whatever you may want to call it, because I’m not sure where my life is heading, and yet I’m being pushed to have an answer before I’m truly ready. I am nearly stressed to the breaking point, but I still have to somehow manage to hold it together until everything is settled. This leads me to an incredible level of fatigue and agitation. I don’t really know how to handle it, but I know I must for now.
If nothing else, all the trials and tribulations of the past have served to prepare me for the problems that I face now, and for that, I am thankful for them. I am at a very important crossroads in my life, and the decisions I make now will affect how I live my life for many years to come. However, so much feels as if it’s out of my hands, I just feel helpless while I wait for the answers to come. Honestly… it just sucks. There really is no better word for it.
The only thing I have to look forward to now (really, the only thing I CAN look forward to, since everything is still up in the air) is that when the first answer that I’m waiting for comes, it will set the rest of the dominoes to falling, and I can finally move forward on these decisions. Hopefully, this will bring me some peace of mind, and I can go back to trying to improve myself, instead of allowing myself to fall into these pits of self-loathing, and self-defeat. It should happen soon (although with the way things are going, I could just be blowing smoke up my own rear end) and when it does, things should fall into place.
No comments:
Post a Comment