Addictions are bad, Mm’kay?

For those who know me, you know that I have a bit of an obsessive personality.  When I get involved in something, I tend to dive into it head first, and keep my head buried there until I’ve learned everything I could, or get sick of it.  My current subject of obsession is the MMO game DCUO.  For the uninitiated, that means Massively Multiplayer Online game, DC Universe Online. 

I have been playing this game since early to mid April of 2011, and have been on it pretty nonstop over that time period.  The only time I’ve taken off from the game is when I’ve been away from the house for trips that went multiple days, or when my wife has forcibly dragged me away from it in order to do something else that isn’t related to it.  It’s gotten to the point where I feel antsy when I don’t get on the game, because I feel like I’m missing something.  Just from that sentence alone, you can tell I’m addicted. 

Over the time that I’ve played this game,  I’ve gotten to know a few new people(about as well as you can know people that you meet on an online game) and gotten deeper into the world.  This mostly came about from forming our own league, and my desire to want to actually get to know these people, instead of just mindlessly playing a game.  I actually look forward to interacting with these people on a regular basis.  However, being one of the founders of the league, I’ve taken it upon myself to be responsible for the well being of the characters that have joined the league.  This mainly includes making sure people are keeping in touch with each other, helping each other get stronger in game, and keeping up on strategies when it comes to in-game content.  The problem with this is that I tend to get a bit tense when someone in the group isn’t playing up to my standards, which has lead to some spectacular (or pathetic) blow-ups on my part. 

Sadly, the target of these blow-ups has primarily been one of my best friends from my real life.  In fact, this is the guy who got me into the game in the first place.  Without him, I wouldn’t be playing it, so I don’t know if I should be thanking him or strangling him.  Anyway, the main issue is that I feel bad about getting upset at him enough to yell at him, because it means that the game is taking precedent over the friendship, and that shouldn’t be the case.  However, I’m a perfectionist about things like this, and when things don’t go smoothly, despite having everything explained beforehand, the desire to target the source of the “problem” takes over, and common courtesy goes out the window.

This is generally believed about people who play MMOs; they lack social graces.  This being my first MMO, I never understood why people believed that.  After having been on it for some time, I understand completely.  People who lose themselves in these games (myself being an example) are looking for some sort of success that they might not be able to attain in real life.  Anything getting in the way of that success is an obstacle that must be eliminated.  When you’re trying to beat a raid, and someone on the team isn’t doing their part up to your standards, then they become an obstacle, and you feel the need to do something about it, as they are standing in the way of your success. 

It’s easy to forget there’s a person on the other side with real feelings and emotions, since you don’t see them, so it’s natural to just stomp on them in order to get what you want.  Most times, it’s someone you don’t know, so a lot of times, you can just never deal with that person again.  However, when that other person is a friend, there needs to be some perspective on how you treat that person.  It’s really easy to lose sight of that when you’re trying to do something, and things go wrong.  It’s never right to yell at someone, but having been in this game, and dealing with people on a non-face-to-face level, it’s really easy to just say “screw it” and be a big ass. 

There is a definite need to rein it in.  Being addicted to this game as bad as I’ve been, there is definite need of some middle ground.  If I can’t play it without being an ass, then that means I’m not being a good person, and if this game is making me worse, then I need to stop.  I like playing it, but I like my friends more. 

Late Night Ramblings 7/12/11

I’m likely to do a few of these, as I don’t have any particular topic in mind when I find myself in one of my sleepless fits, so I figured I’d date them… just for the hell of it.

Random thoughts running through my head at the moment:

A) I wonder how long it would take to build a new Tech discipline villain with acrobatics in DCUO with Lex Luthor as the mentor… I’ve already got every other power, discipline, and weapon type done. That’s the last of it to earn the last trophy.  Kind of pointless really, as I do want to stop playing the game for some time so I can claim my life back.  I don’t know if I’d say I have an addictive personality, more of an obsessive one.  I feel like I’m wasting money if I have the subscription and don’t use it, so somehow, everything else gets put on the back burner… although now that Kat is into the game, I don’t feel so bad, since I can do stuff, and she can use it.  Although this might cause some problems when the subscription ends, and don’t want to renew it for a bit...

B) I know why bugs fly into houses and pester people.  We’re an easy source of food, whether it’s the garbage we throw out, the food we leave sitting out, or hell, our own bodies that provide them nourishment.  What I don’t get though is why after all the generations that have existed for any one species, how they haven’t learned that to be seen by humans is death.  They just fly around out in the open, annoying people to the point that they must be squished.  I guess when you can reproduce at the pace at which most bugs and insects can, it doesn’t really matter to have survival instincts.  Of course, I’m speaking more of country bugs.  Everyone who has lived in big cities has seen a swarm of roaches run for cover when the lights go on at least once in their lives.  Maybe not in your own home, but maybe a friend.  On a related note… I think I’ve killed about 20 of them since I started typing this.  They just keep hopping around the desk lamp…  I think they’re trying to play chicken…

C) It’s now mid-July, and I have still not been able to really enjoy any air conditioning.  Why, you may ask?  Because I’m pretty sure the damn thing is busted.  Whenever I turn it on, it’s lukewarm air, no matter what setting it’s on.  This normally wouldn’t be a problem, because normally, it could just be replaced, but 1) it’s not a window unit, and 2) even if we could just replace it ourselves, we’re not allowed to because it’s funded by the Japanese government, so we have to wait while they send someone over, and speed is not their forte.  Guess I’ll have to tough this summer out with my fan.

D) I miss my mom’s fried rice.  There’s not much else to say about this topic.

E) I’m beginning to notice that my back only hurts whenever someone tells me to fix my posture.  Prior to that, I feel fine, but I guess I just look horrible hunched over the way I normally do.  I admit, when I look in a mirror, I do look a bit unpleasant without having a straight back, but I don’t feel any pain or anything.  I only feel it when I try to conform to normal posture, and either I’m overcompensating, or my back is that misshapen.  Either way, it’s always a difficult adjustment period.  Sadly, I seem to always fall back into my “normal” posture, which sets people off again. 

F) I’ve basically come to the end of this rant, and I always find it oddly relieving to just spill everything onto this blog.  No matter how wired I am when I’m up, can’t sleep, and writing this, as soon as all the thoughts in my head are exhausted, then I get tired enough to actually fall asleep.  Guess it really is just my brain being overactive.  I used to think it was just being over-caffeinated, but I guess not.  Anyway… night all. (And for those of you wondering why I’m saying night… please remember the time difference. )

Fourth Month

I have officially hit my fourth month here in Japan.  It’s a strange feeling to realize that you’ve been in another country for a third of a year.  It honestly hasn’t felt that long.  It still feels like yesterday that I stepped off the plane and left my old life behind.  Of course, hitting this particular milestone has kept me up tonight (although it might have been any other number of reasons.  Maybe the headache medication I took earlier.)  I might as well take this time to muse on a few things going through my mind.

Since coming here, I’ve been searching for some sort of meaning to my existence.  That’s actually not quite as deep as it sounds.  I don’t mean an existential search, the old “Why am I here?” thought that seems to plague so many people.  I honestly don’t believe that everyone has a reason to be on this planet.  I just want to know what I should be doing right now so as to not just take up space and be a drain on resources.  I’d like to be doing something that in some way, shape, or form improves someone else’s life in some way.  I appear to be doing that for my wife, so there is that at the very least, but it’s never a good idea to exist purely for your significant other.  That’s a path straight to misery and depression, because if something happens, and they’re not there anymore, what’s left for you?  No, I need something that I know for myself is making life better for people in general.  Unfortunately, the very idea of what that might be is eluding me something fierce.

Another thing that’s been running through my mind since my time here is how badly I miss my “boys”.  This goes beyond simply my male friends. It’s one thing to have friends who you spend time with, but I’m talking about the guys who I have that connection with that goes beyond simply being friends.  The people who seem to be able to read my mind, and finish my thoughts before I’ve even fully formed them.  I have some conversation with them from time to time, but there’s definitely something lacking when you’re not in their physical presence.  There’s also the fact that there are only some jokes you can share with these people, which might be either uncomfortable to tell with people who don’t know you quite as well, or who simply wouldn’t understand why it would be funny to you.  No one likes to explain a joke.  It just kills the mood.

In relation to the issue with missing my boys, since coming here, I find that I spend most of my free time hanging out with girls.  There’s nothing wrong with it, I just find it peculiar that I haven’t made any friends with any of the guys around here yet.  I’m not quite sure what it is, but I definitely have an easier time conversing with the women in the group then the men.  I have nothing in common with the guys here.  Either I’m just that in touch with my feminine side, or I’m that out of touch with my masculine side.  That or I’m just a dirty old man… but I’m not old yet, so I’m thinking that’s off the table.  For now at least.  I hope I don’t ever become that guy… but then again, I worry too much anyway.

I wonder sometimes about my adjustment to this country.  I don’t think I’ll ever fully integrate to Japan, no matter how long I’m here.  I’m actually more concerned about how much I’m going to stick out.  I feel at times that I’m growing more obstinate and more “foreign” the longer I’ve been here, just to fight the homogeneity of the people of this country.  People are really polite around here, and to be honest, it kinda bugs me a bit.  Politeness is all well and good, but there’s also a component of dishonesty that goes hand in hand with that, and I’ve never been comfortable with someone sugar coating something when it needs to be said.  It strikes me as odd when people are willing to suffer in order to maintain a façade of civility.  This only makes me want to act more… straight-forward would probably be the best term, since I’m not really a rude person.  At least, I don’t think I am.  There are definitely times I feel like that since I’ve been here though.  For the first month I was here, I could’ve sworn I was the rudest person in the entire country.  Then I ran into a typical asshole, and felt better about myself.  Felt just like being back in NYC again for a moment.

Seriously though, it has been an interesting time since I’ve been here.  Life has been really different, in some good ways, and in some bad, but that’s a given when making a drastic change in life.  It’s given me more time to think about certain things, and hell, I haven’t felt this rested in a very long time.  I think the dark circles under my eyes are even gone.  I can hardly recognize myself in the mirror anymore without the gaunt look of exhaustion and tired eyes that used to stare back at me from my reflection.  Right now, the current mode of thinking is self-improvement.  I need to take this time given to me to make some positive changes in myself.  Of course, that requires me to stop whining about certain things, which is part of the self-improvement in itself.  Guess we’ll see how that progresses. 

No real words of wisdom today, more just venting out thoughts from my brain that seemed to be trapped with nowhere to go.  Thank goodness for the internet and blogs that no one ever reads.

Spare Some Change?

As always when nighttime hits, no matter what part of the world I’m in, my brain starts to churn, so I guess it’s once again time to spew my thoughts out so I can attempt to get some sleep…

I have been in Japan for over 3 months now, and I am finding it very hard to adjust.  I’ve gotten into the habit of spending all of my available time (time not spent with my wife or doing house chores) with my friends back in the States.  From the moment I wake up and help my wife exit the door to get to work, until the moment she comes back, I sit in front of my laptop and my PS3, and spend the entire time on Skype playing DC Universe Online with one of my closest friends.  I have become a worst type of stereotypical gamer geek. 

Routinely, I spend near 8 hours or more a day playing this game, and I find that this is the most enjoyable thing that I have to do all day.  Bullshitting with my friends, having the feeling of no responsibility, and just vegging out has become my life now.  The amazing thing is that my wife allows all of this, and most times without any complaint.  I’m either very lucky to have such an understanding wife, or I’m just so pathetic, no one really gives a crap about what I do anymore.

Internally, I am bothered by my behavior.  The motivation to get off my ass and do something productive with my time is gnawing at me in the back of my head.  However, I find it virtually impossible to heed this call, and instead, I just slump back onto the sofa, banging away on the PS3 controller, and stay within that rather limited comfort zone.  I find myself making excuses to myself about when I’ll actually get to the point where I’ll start actually doing something.  “One more quest” or “just a few more minutes” has become my mantra.  What the hell is happening to me?

It’s been said that a person will cleave to an MMO (Massively Multiplayer Online) game because it offers a false sense of accomplishment when the person feels that they aren’t doing anything of substance with their actual life.  I believe that description is apropos when it comes to me.  I feel absolutely worthless now, and I don’t know how to get out of that rut.  I know intellectually what I have to do (begin studying Japanese, involve myself more with the community in some way, bear down and really start training on my guitar, some form of physical activity to maintain or improve my fitness level) but I’m in a place mentally where I start things in fits and starts, and ultimately flame out before I even begin. 

This got me to thinking… am I turning into my father?  Yeah, I know that’s a random thought to have, but stick with me here for a moment.  My father was in a similar situation.  He ended up moving to a country he never really wanted to go to, and he did it for the sake of his family.  However, the entire time he was there, he complained about it, and longed for the day that he would return to his home country.  He never bothered to learn the language, he never really made any friends, and he never took advantage of the opportunities that lay before him.  This had always bothered me about him, and here I am doing basically the exact same thing.  The problem is that while I am aware of the parallels, how does one go about actively breaking the cycle?

It’s one thing to say “You do it by doing it.”  It’s another thing entirely to actually do it.  Lame excuses are easy to come up with, and easier to stick to, since the only person you have to convince is yourself.  Everyone around you can see how lame you’re being, but most will be too nice to tell you.  Those that do tell you will trigger a defensive response, and you end up alienating everyone around you, especially the ones who care enough about you to not let things just lie. 

So what to do?  The answers are right in front of my face, but how do I go about doing it?  How do you motivate yourself to do something when you’re too stubborn to take your own advice, least of all someone else’s?  Every day, I feel worse about myself, thinking how pathetic I’ve become, how sad of an existence I am leading right now.  Do I have to hit rock bottom before I pick myself up and begin that climb back to a better path?  Or is this just some downward spiral that ends with me miserable and alone because I’m too thick-headed to make the changes I need to in order to make a better life? 

No one else is in control of this except for me, and that’s what makes it hard.  I am stuck with my own faults and flaws, and it’s up to me to drag myself out of this hole I’ve dug for myself.  All the encouragement, support, reinforcement (positive or negative) mean nothing when the subject is too wrapped up in his own head to accept it and move on.  People have gotten tired of hearing it, they’ve gotten tired of reading it, and honestly, I’m tired of saying it.  I just have to get tired of not doing anything about it… and for my own sake, and the sake of the people who care about me, that had better be soon. 

I won’t make false promises and say “I will now turn over a new leaf” and proceed to jump out there and immediately start changing my situation for the better.  I would be setting myself up for failure and disappointment.  All I’m really doing is acknowledging it right now… and self-help crap aside, it’s something that needs to be done before I can take that step.  Maybe if I just keep tabs on myself, and update my progress regularly enough, I can see for myself how far I’ve come… it’s something worth trying at any rate.  Posting a blog up every day though will be annoying.  Maybe twitter…

A Path Not Taken

You never know where life is going to take you.  I’ve spent the better part of the last 29 years doing what I thought was necessary in order to ensure that my life was one of security and general happiness.  Over the course of the last two and a half months, I’ve discovered that the path I was on may not have lead to anything more than mediocrity, headache, and heartbreak.  Taking the safe road may lead to security, but it also leads to predictability and ultimately, boredom.

I’ve been wrestling with the question of what should I do with my life for a long time now.  For the longest time, I thought that having a job in a field that I was comfortable and talented in would be the best course of action.  Computers was the life for me, and that’s where I would be as my career was growing and molding itself.  After nearly a decade in the field, and I had come to realize my big mistake.  The main problem with going into a job that you have a natural talent for is that it can get far too easy, and in turn lead to no mental stimulation.  So I was getting bored, and it didn’t help that I was working in a field where the job was basically thankless.  When you spend several years languishing in a position where you’re basically just trying to get things back to status quo, you quickly come to realize that your presence is only noticed when something goes wrong.  No one really cares about you unless they want something from you, or at least that’s the impression you get after being treated that way for too long. 

So after trying to advance to a managerial position and getting shot down, I decided the best thing to do was to be with my wife.  After having been separated for nearly 7 months, due to her position as an ALT, it was time to be reunited, since I no longer had any reason to stay in the position that I was in. This meant that I’d have to uproot my entire life and relocate to Japan, where my role in the relationship would drastically shift.  No longer would I be the breadwinner, the main man.  I’d have to instead play a supportive role, which was not something I was used to.  While my wife would be supporting us financially, and giving me the opportunity and ability to leave my job without worrying about how we were going to live, it was something that took a lot for me to accept. At first, I was hesitant to leap into this, as I was unsure as to how I would adapt.  I honestly didn’t know how I’d react to being the person to stay at home and take care of the household, take care of the meals, and basically be comfort for my wife as she returned from a day at work, possibly irritated by the way the day went, or just too tired to interact with me, as I would be pretty isolated out here.

Admittedly, at first it was tough.  The only thing keeping me sane while my wife was away at work for much of the day was Skype and the opportunity to talk to a good friend of mine who simultaneously kept me connected to the world back home, and who eased my assimilation into my new surroundings.  However, he was doing much more than that for me while I was struggling with my new situation.  He was encouraging me to explore new paths in my life, which had started even before I had left the US for my new life.  He was pushing me to step into the more creative side of my personality, to embrace the artistic side of my being.  This was a bit of  a strange leap for someone who had spent the majority of their life being a technical person.  I was good with computers, but what the heck did I know about doing anything artistic? 

This got me to thinking though.  Nearly all of the people in my life (excluding my family) are creative types.  Two of my friends are musicians, another two are photographers, several are writers, and even my wife is a knitter and loves her arts and crafts.  It is commonly said that like attracts like.  If this is true, then was it possible that I had some sort of creative spark in me?  Trying to look at my life from another perspective, there was a possibility.  I was constantly singing to myself, whenever I would be out and about, always trying to fine-tune my voice, and I have always been interested in music.  The guitar and piano have always fascinated me, even though I had never really tried to play them.  The few times I had tried to learn an instrument, it was ultimately squashed due to lack of time or lack of motivation or energy to continue.

I am currently in a perfect position to try to explore my creative side now.  I have loads of free time now, and maybe it’s the right time to travel down a path that I was previously unable and unwilling to journey through.  I have had some encouragement, some from random people telling me that I have a decent voice, but mainly from my friend whom I am in constant contact with, and my wife who is willing to let me see this through, and who is incredibly encouraging when it comes to my forays into things other than working at things that give me headaches.  She honestly wants to see me happy, and I’m lucky to have someone who is willing to put up with my randomness.

So what does this mean?  Well, mainly that I’ll be trying some new things.  I’ve already began posting up some videos on YouTube, displaying what little talent I may have for singing.  The next step is trying to pick up an instrument, preferably the guitar, to broaden my musical horizons.  I have no idea if it will work out, but it will at least be interesting to see where it leads me.  I would never have thought that this is where life would lead me, but I’m willing to see it through to whatever comes next.  Guess I’m ready for that next adventure finally…

Stage Two

I am now officially two weeks away from closing out my life in New York (for the time being) and beginning a completely new one in Japan.  I will basically be starting over from scratch over there.  A new language, a new locale, a new society; really, just a whole lot of new.  The only source of comfort through all of this will be my loving wife.  I have to admit… I’m kinda scared shitless.

After a process that took several months, I finally came to the decision to go to Japan.  While I’m glad to finally have come to a decision, all of the steps that led to the decision were kind of disappointing.  When you learn that you’re basically at the end of the line when it comes to your career, it’s a blow to your ego.  However, with this revelation, I get to have a fresh start, and maybe this time, find something that I’ll actually enjoy, instead of something I’m just good at which doesn’t require any brain work on my part.

That’s really the whole point behind this massive change in my life.  I have to admit, I’ve been pretty unhappy with my professional life for some time now.  While I was briefly reenergized by the possibility of moving up to a management position, I ended up pretty deflated once that fell through.  That was the pin that finally popped the balloon that was my life in the IT field.  I honestly don’t think I’ll go back to it.  Never say never, because you don’t know what kind of situation you’ll be in, but I think I’ll be much happier finding something that will fit with my sensibilities (if not my talents) a little bit better. 

However, with the excitement of starting anew, must also come the dread of leaving the comfortable.  I have had a life in NYC for 29 years now.  I have never lived outside of its borders.  I have visited multiple countries while living here, and I’ve experienced multiple cultures thanks to that, but nothing quite prepares you for leaving the nest, so to speak, and having to reestablish yourself in a place where everything is foreign, and you’re not very confident in your own abilities to adapt.

There is a lot to be done over the next stage of my life.  A new language to learn, a new home to build (in the sense of feeling comfortable, not actually putting together lumber to form a shelter… although that might be fun),  new friends to make, and a new profession to find.  That last one is probably the thing that worries me the most.  I’ve never been able to figure out what I would like to do.  I know what I CAN do, what I’m good at, but I’m not sure I ever really liked it.  I’ve spent so much time being frustrated by the job that I’ve had, that I can’t be sure that my lack of motivation to find something else is due to lack of inspiration, or lack of time to really think about it. 

Fortunately, (and I’m damn lucky to have her) my wife has decided that I shall not have to kill myself looking for work as soon as I land.  She wants me to take some time off to clear my head, think about what I enjoy in life, and see what I can do to pursue that end of things.  It will be a strange place to be, because I’ve been working nearly robotic like for the better part of the last 10 years.  The last 3 years especially, I’ve been working for far too long and far too hard for far too little gain.  It’s time I change that… and this will hopefully be the catalyst to do such a thing.

It’s a huge step, and one I’m not sure I’m really prepared to take.  However, how many people can say they’re really ready for any huge life changes?  Those who are, are people I envy, because I wish I knew how they did it.  Me… I’m just going to wing it and see what happens.  Hopefully, everything will turn out all right.