I have officially hit my fourth month here in Japan. It’s a strange feeling to realize that you’ve been in another country for a third of a year. It honestly hasn’t felt that long. It still feels like yesterday that I stepped off the plane and left my old life behind. Of course, hitting this particular milestone has kept me up tonight (although it might have been any other number of reasons. Maybe the headache medication I took earlier.) I might as well take this time to muse on a few things going through my mind.
Since coming here, I’ve been searching for some sort of meaning to my existence. That’s actually not quite as deep as it sounds. I don’t mean an existential search, the old “Why am I here?” thought that seems to plague so many people. I honestly don’t believe that everyone has a reason to be on this planet. I just want to know what I should be doing right now so as to not just take up space and be a drain on resources. I’d like to be doing something that in some way, shape, or form improves someone else’s life in some way. I appear to be doing that for my wife, so there is that at the very least, but it’s never a good idea to exist purely for your significant other. That’s a path straight to misery and depression, because if something happens, and they’re not there anymore, what’s left for you? No, I need something that I know for myself is making life better for people in general. Unfortunately, the very idea of what that might be is eluding me something fierce.
Another thing that’s been running through my mind since my time here is how badly I miss my “boys”. This goes beyond simply my male friends. It’s one thing to have friends who you spend time with, but I’m talking about the guys who I have that connection with that goes beyond simply being friends. The people who seem to be able to read my mind, and finish my thoughts before I’ve even fully formed them. I have some conversation with them from time to time, but there’s definitely something lacking when you’re not in their physical presence. There’s also the fact that there are only some jokes you can share with these people, which might be either uncomfortable to tell with people who don’t know you quite as well, or who simply wouldn’t understand why it would be funny to you. No one likes to explain a joke. It just kills the mood.
In relation to the issue with missing my boys, since coming here, I find that I spend most of my free time hanging out with girls. There’s nothing wrong with it, I just find it peculiar that I haven’t made any friends with any of the guys around here yet. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I definitely have an easier time conversing with the women in the group then the men. I have nothing in common with the guys here. Either I’m just that in touch with my feminine side, or I’m that out of touch with my masculine side. That or I’m just a dirty old man… but I’m not old yet, so I’m thinking that’s off the table. For now at least. I hope I don’t ever become that guy… but then again, I worry too much anyway.
I wonder sometimes about my adjustment to this country. I don’t think I’ll ever fully integrate to Japan, no matter how long I’m here. I’m actually more concerned about how much I’m going to stick out. I feel at times that I’m growing more obstinate and more “foreign” the longer I’ve been here, just to fight the homogeneity of the people of this country. People are really polite around here, and to be honest, it kinda bugs me a bit. Politeness is all well and good, but there’s also a component of dishonesty that goes hand in hand with that, and I’ve never been comfortable with someone sugar coating something when it needs to be said. It strikes me as odd when people are willing to suffer in order to maintain a façade of civility. This only makes me want to act more… straight-forward would probably be the best term, since I’m not really a rude person. At least, I don’t think I am. There are definitely times I feel like that since I’ve been here though. For the first month I was here, I could’ve sworn I was the rudest person in the entire country. Then I ran into a typical asshole, and felt better about myself. Felt just like being back in NYC again for a moment. 
Seriously though, it has been an interesting time since I’ve been here. Life has been really different, in some good ways, and in some bad, but that’s a given when making a drastic change in life. It’s given me more time to think about certain things, and hell, I haven’t felt this rested in a very long time. I think the dark circles under my eyes are even gone. I can hardly recognize myself in the mirror anymore without the gaunt look of exhaustion and tired eyes that used to stare back at me from my reflection. Right now, the current mode of thinking is self-improvement. I need to take this time given to me to make some positive changes in myself. Of course, that requires me to stop whining about certain things, which is part of the self-improvement in itself. Guess we’ll see how that progresses.
No real words of wisdom today, more just venting out thoughts from my brain that seemed to be trapped with nowhere to go. Thank goodness for the internet and blogs that no one ever reads.
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