Isolated

Hopefully, people don’t find this too similar to something I wrote earlier on, but it popped into my head yesterday as I was returning from a wedding.  Might not be the same at all, but I honestly won’t know until I’m done writing.

So this week, I am in Hungary.  It is now the third time I’ve been here, and that in and of itself is a strange condition.  Prior to this country, I had never returned to any single country aside from the US after the first time there.  Of course, I had never had family in those other locations as well, so that should explain all of that.  However, it is still a strange feeling when you leave home, fly for several hours (on average a nine hour flight) and land in a place that is familiar.  Something about that seems strange, but maybe that’s just me.

The first time I was here, it was to visit my then girlfriend (now my wife) and her family, as we were separated at the time by her enrollment in a study abroad program, and this was the place we would meet before she was to return home with me.  It was quite a bit of culture shock, considering I have spent the majority of my life in a major metropolitan city, and coming to a country where it is much quieter and slower was a bit jarring.  Not having everything readily available at all hours of the day takes a bit of adjusting to, and it was first real experience with something like that. 

The second time I was here, I was in the midst of completing my second wedding (the first having occurred in New York) and was too busy with preparation that first week here to really get my bearings.  Fortunately, after all the hoopla was completed, I was able to sit back, relax, and enjoy the city, with prior experience under my belt.  It did make it more comfortable, and ultimately more enjoyable than my first trip here, and I returned home to the US once again with my wife, ready to face the world.

This being my third time, you’d think it’d be old hat by now.  This time, I’m here for the wedding of my wife’s cousin, someone she is close with, but primarily to spend time with my wife.  Like the first visit here, I met her in Hungary, instead of flying here with her, because she was in another country prior, in order to pursue her own goals.  The event that I’m here for was much shorter than the previous visit, so the overall purpose is to just spend time with my wife.

Throughout all of my trips here, there has been one unifying feeling.  Despite being here with my significant other, I’ve always felt apart from everything.  There is a simple enough reason for this, as I don’t speak the language at all.  If you didn’t know, Hungarian is one of, if not the most, difficult languages on this planet to learn.  The pronunciation isn’t too hard, but the grammar is nearly impossible to just “pick up”.  Not to mention the words themselves are not relatable to any of the other languages that might be normally taught in western schools.  You won’t find any parallels with English, Spanish, French, Italian, or any of the romance languages.  Heck, I’m Chinese, and there’s no correlation with any of that language either.  It pretty much stands on its own, and I’m left here scratching my head.

The only reason I bring this up is that last night, during the wedding, it never felt quite as acute as when I was sitting there, watching the ceremony and reception take place.  Mind you, I had my own wedding here the year before, and that was more or less a traditional Hungarian wedding, but the master of ceremonies was translating for the sake of my friends, family, and myself, so I wasn’t at a complete loss.  Also, when you’re running around frantically trying to make sure all is well, you kind of don’t sweat the small stuff, like understanding what’s going on. 

Last night’s wedding was Hungarian at full intensity.  There were very few (by my count only two) English speakers (my wife and my brother in law) and it was kind of hard to ask them to translate, as they were involved in the festivities themselves.  While it’s all well and good to laugh when everyone else laughs, and to dance when everyone else dances, it is hard to maintain an air of jocularity when you are at a complete loss at everything around you.  I felt absolutely horrible, because I knew I was missing out on a very good time, and all due to my ignorance of the language.  Some of the wedding games were familiar enough, and didn’t need too much explanation, but there is a great deal of the celebration that relies on word play, and you miss out on a lot of that when you don’t know what anyone is saying.

It left me feeling quite alone in the middle of a large group, and by the end of the night, I was quite down on myself.  While there is a simple enough solution (learn the language) it is by no means easy.  It doesn’t help that I suck at language acquisition.  I’m picking up words here and there, but that hardly allows one to understand rapid moving events.

On top of all this, unlike my previous trips out here, I know that I will be returning home alone this time.  While it is absolutely wonderful, and completely necessary for my sanity to spend time with my wife here, there is also a great deal of sadness involved, since I know that we will be parting ways for some time once my vacation here is done.  She to Japan, me back to the US, and it kills me to think of that.  It just adds to this sense of feeling alone, because nothing quite says alone like sitting in a plane for nearly a dozen hours with no one to talk to. 

While I am enjoying the time I am here with my wife, I’m really not sure what to think about how I’m feeling.  It is all well and good to say “enjoy the moment” but unless you have the ability to completely block out the immediate future (which would be both a good and bad thing) then you are going to notice when time is running out.  I want to just be happy that I have her here, and for the most part I am, but times like last night make me remember how difficult it can be when you feel separated from everything around you, and to not have my wife to batter that away when I run into that again only makes me more depressed. 

Oh, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, yeah, I go through some severe bouts of being down.  I wouldn’t say depression, as I haven’t needed pharmaceuticals, but there are definitely times where I could care less about the world.

Anyway, after that aside, I have to make clear, I tend to feel alone in a crowd most of the time.  However, in most cases, I at least have that one person that, if I can make a connection with, it makes things easier.  It’s easier to spread out from a single point than to blanket a whole area, if that makes sense.  Normally, it’ll be a friend that I already have there, or if I’m lucky, I meet someone new, but in this situation with the wedding, that was all but impossible.  It only made me realize how much harder I have to work to not get lost in my own head.  I’ve heard that you have to be able to create your own happiness.  Last night served to show me how true that really is.

After looking back at this post after writing it, it had nothing to do with any of my previous posts, but it is a bit whiny.  Sorry about that, but it was bugging me, and I figured someone out there might know the feeling.  It might only be for those who’ve had cross-culture relationships, but I think it applies to a lot of people anyway, whether it’s a language barrier, a culture barrier, or even a barrier created by your general interests (IE, you’re at a sports bar, and you’ve never liked sports).  Feeling alone is one of the crummiest feelings, and it can happen anywhere, anytime.  I just wish I knew a way to combat it that would work for everyone, but at this point, I’m just looking for a way to deal with it myself.

Digging Out

I’m not sure how common it is for people out there, but I go through somewhat regular bouts of depression.  Nothing medically diagnosed, but just times where I feel like there’s very little to care about.  People have been asking me lately how I’ve been, and the majority of the time, it’s some level of depressed.  This is probably a problem. 

I’ve always just sort of accepted depression as a part of life.  I’ve never been one to have high highs, so I kind of go through plains and valleys.  Not very many peaks.  There’s no logical reason for it.  It’s not like someone I cared for has died recently (although there’s still question, at least in my own head, over how I have handled the deaths of certain loved ones, regardless of how much time has passed), or there’s anything particularly negative about my life.  I have great friends, a good family, an incredible wife, and a job that I tolerate for the most part.  Funks just seem to hit me.

It always makes me wonder though, how people handle their depression.  For the most part, I try to slog through it, trying to some degree to intellectualize the situation away.  There is a proverb that I’m sure many of you have heard, stating “This too shall pass.”  I try to approach these down periods with this in mind, since I know that invariably, something will come along to lift me out of the doldrums.  But even as mild as my depressions may be, it’s still difficult to climb out of that hole that you basically dig for yourself.  You’re more likely to dig yourself deeper, and a lot of the ways that people try to cheer you up may only serve to make it worse in the long term.

When you try to distract yourself from depression, you only serve to delay the emotions tied to it.  At best, you forget about it an move on, not really dealing with the whys and the whats.  At worst, the distraction only serves to drive you further down into the pit.  Most examples of this particular mode of distraction lies in vices.  Drinking, drugs, gambling, sex, etc etc.  The only real way to combat depression is to find the root cause, and confront it.

Of course, this is easier said than done.  How many people have rational and logical depressions?  How many people actually know what’s making them feel like crap?  I’m just speaking for myself, but when I’m down, it’s nearly always this vague feeling of unease, it’s rarely a concrete reason.  Something inside is restless, and aggravated, and can’t seem to find relief in expression or action, no matter how much time you may spend trying to find an answer to why. 

I consider myself a pretty introspective guy, but depression sort of mutes everything.  Thinking gets muddled, senses are dulled, and the enjoyment that you once had for things lessens greatly.  You have a hard time seeing what might be right in front of you, which only serves to perpetuate the depression. 

So what can be done?  I won’t presume to tell you what’ll work for you, but I’ve tried a whole bunch of stuff for myself, and some of it worked, some of it was pointless.  I’ve tried the whole drinking route.  Short-lived, because the momentary euphoria I felt during the drunken spell was quashed quite handily by the following morning hangover.  There have been times where I was self-destructive, trying stupid things to get myself out of a funk, to feel alive, and while that momentary rush may have been enjoyable, when I look back on it, it was pretty stupid. 

I’ve tried therapy, and there was some aid in that, because it got me to examine myself in ways I hadn’t thought of before.  There was some catharsis there, but it was a double-edged sword.  While it may have brought some clarity any current situations, it also brought up questions about past situations, and while they may be in the past, it puts them in a new light, which may affect current relationships.  Doesn’t happen that way for everyone, but it did for me.

The only thing that has worked consistently for me has always been time with friends.  Time to sit, and talk, and just know that there are people out there who truly care for your well-being.  People who want to be there for you, to make sure you don’t suffer alone.  I’ve been fortunate that I’ve had friends who have put up with my many bouts of depression, who are willing to humor my endless rhetorical questions.  Sure, there may be times that they’ve expressed severe frustration with me, but they only spoke truthfully to me, and at the end of the day, that’s all I really need. 

There is also a lot to be said about helping others in need during times when you’re feeling alone and isolated.  I don’t mean you have to go out and save the world, but I always get a little boost when I give someone a helping hand.  It’s temporary, but there’s nothing at all negative about helping someone, so you’re at least spreading what joy you can.  Sometimes it can help put your life in perspective, or at the very least, you can feel appreciated for that one moment. 

I think one of the biggest problems that we face on a regular basis is that we tend to take life for granted.  Not everyone mind you, and those people who don’t live some pretty amazing lives, but for a lot of us, I think we just assume that there will be a tomorrow, so we sort of end up putting off feeling good for another day, because it’s just too hard.  It takes effort to be happy, mainly cause when you’re feeling down, it takes so much effort to get yourself out of it.  Staying happy is also pretty difficult, because it just seems like sometimes, the entire world is out to ruin your day.  There have definitely been days where I just felt like everything I did only ended up with me being more miserable than when I started the day.  It’s times like that where I really have to stop myself, and try to remember, “Nothing lasts forever.  Make sure to spend your energy enjoying your good moments, and not waste energy on the bad ones."  It still takes great effort, but at least it’s energy spend wisely.