Coming Home

So here I am on a flight out of Hungary (actually out of Sweden, but really who needs all the details?), and I'm stepping forward into the next part of my life.  It's been almost 4 years since I last lived in the US, so I can say I've got a bit of a different perspective than when this whole adventure began.  When I was on my way out, I was full of anxiety, apprehension, and confusion about my future. Now that I'm on my way back I'm... full of anxiety, apprehension, and confusion about my future.  The more things change...

The big difference is that on my way back, I'm actually more hopeful of how things will end up.  When I was leaving the US, I was worried about how I would adapt to life in a completely different country.  Moving to Japan wasn't necessarily a hard decision, because it was a move to be with my wife, and to support her.  The difficulty was in the leaving the familiarity of the life I had, the security of a job (albeit a job that I felt was leading to a dead end), and of leaving the only home I've ever known. 

There was one thing that was playing through my head though as I boarded the plane and flew away from New York City.  That old saying of "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere."  Let me tell you right now, that saying is utter bullshit.  I think before I left, I was living a rather comfortable life in NYC.  I had a couple of solid jobs, I was making pretty good money, and there wasn't much that I wanted that was really out of reach.  Moving to a foreign country where I had no grasp of the language, and honestly wasn't all that thrilled to be there, left me floundering for quite some time.  When the only jobs available to me at the time were variations of an English Instructor, it soon became clear to me that being outside of the US was going to be much harder than I originally envisioned.
 

However, I did end up having a job that I would need to devote all of my time, energy, and mental abilities to.  Anyone who tells you that being a full time stay at home dad isn't a job needs to be shot in the face.  Especially when you're a rookie, and you get thrown into the deep end before you realize what is going on.  I've already gone into some detail about the trials and tribulations of being a first time stay at home dad.  The constant worry that I was going to screw up my daughter, the feeling that I wasn't doing everything I could to raise her right, or that I was going to just outright kill her because of some bonehead mistake.  Ultimately, I think I did alright with the time I had with her.  She's been an absolutely sweetheart.  I feel fortunate that our daughter has turned out to be the kind-hearted, sweet, funny, goofy, strange little girl that she has become so far.  We're in the middle of the terrible twos with her currently, so she has her moments, but even then, she has been an absolute joy to my wife and I.

The other side of that coin with being out of the country the way I've been is that I've felt completely isolated for quite some time.  This is something else I've spoken about in some detail, and I've felt possibly the worst depression I've ever had in my life.  I've withdrawn, lashed out, put up walls, shunned my loved ones, and basically been a real piece of crap at times because of how I've felt, and I'm lucky that my wife has put up with as much as she has.  I hope not too much of it has rubbed off on my daughter, since I was her primary caretaker during these last few years.  Only time will tell I suppose.

The sad thing is that in our final year in Japan, I was starting to put together some sort of life again.  Finding friends with mutual interests, having the occasional social gathering, and just doing things that I enjoyed on a semi-regular basis was starting to get me feeling like my old self again.  I think I was beginning to break out of my funk, and was more loving, attentive, and just generally a better guy than I had been the previous couple of years.  Then of course, the year ended, and all that I had built had to be left behind.  And thus we embarked on our journey to Hungary, where we would try to make a go of it there.

I'm not going to lie and say I had a good time.  If nothing else, I think it was worse than my time in Japan.  Whereas I felt isolated in Japan by our circumstances, I felt like a complete outsider in Hungary.  In Japan, I could at least blend in and not get a second look from people.  The only odd looks I would get were from people who found it strange that an able-bodied male was walking around with a baby girl strapped to him in the middle of the day instead of being at work.  However, it was more of a curiosity than looks of disdain.  Never in my life have I felt more alienated than I did while I was staying in Hungary.  The worst of it was when I was just out at the park with my daughter, and I had two separate parents pull their kids away just because they were playing too close to us.  I don't exactly know what the reason was, as I didn't understand what they were saying, but the looks on the parents' faces made me feel like I had two heads, or was wearing a sign that said "PEDOPHILE MURDERER" written in blood across my face.  I won't say that was representative of my time in Hungary as a whole.  For the most part, the people are rather benign.  However, they don't know how to handle non-white foreigners, so it just felt like I was on display for the most part as an oddity or some for of an attraction.  By the end of my time there, I had finally just decided to say screw it and dyed my hair blue (although it turned out more green) and assume people were looking at me funny for that, as opposed to for just being born a different ethnicity.  To be clear, the actual reason for dying my hair was to celebrate the birth of my son, but I probably wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel like I stuck out so much anyway.  It was both frustrating and freeing at the same time.  It also didn't help that I just couldn't seem to find work, no matter how many resumes I sent out, or leads I would follow.  I would seemingly be on a decent path, with the right qualifications, just for it to suddenly fall apart and find myself back at square one.

So now I'm heading back to NYC.  I go back feeling as though I've been a complete failure at providing for my family.  I go back with a near 4 year gap in my work history.  I go back not knowing how well I'm going to adapt to living in a city that has moved on without me, and where I'm not even 100% sure I fit in anymore.  When I express these concerns to my friends, I generally get one of two responses, on the extreme opposite ends.  The majority of it has been "Everything will be fine. I'm sure you'll find something soon, and you'll settle back into your life here.  Once you find that job, you'll be able to bring your family back and live a happy life here."  (Did I mention I'm going back by myself, because without a job, my kids have no healthcare?  My wife and kids are staying behind until I find work, so there's the added stress of that to contend with.)  The other response, which is far less frequent, but which plays in my mind much more, is "Man, life is expensive in NY.  You sure you want to come back here?  Have you thought about looking elsewhere?  Is it really the best place to raise a family?"

The first response I'm not comfortable with because I'm a realist.  I don't KNOW that everything will be fine just because people say it almost reflexively, and without any real care for that four year gap in my work history, which has been a real problem for me to find work, at least overseas.  The other response just plays to my paranoia, and makes me more worried about the decision to come back.  Neither one really helps.  I know why those two responses are given, as people want to reassure me, or help me realize that things may be tougher than I imagine, but they both play to the bad parts of my psyche.  I'm grateful that people care as much as they do, but sometimes it's hard to deal with things when I feel like there are expectations placed on me and what kind of success I'll find just because I'm coming back to NY. 

All that being said, I am glad for one big thing about coming back.  To be near my friends and family again will have a hugely positive influence on me.  I'm hoping being in my old stomping grounds will have me feeling like myself again.  The last few times I've been back, I've wavered between enjoying my time, and not feeling comfortable because things were so much harsher than I remembered.  Some of it was because of comparison to the life I was leading out of the country.  I just hope that this being my full return, I'll be able to settle in and be myself again, for the first time in a long while.  I'm hoping that the funk I've been in has been due to the circumstances, and not because that's just who I've become.  I haven't been the best husband and father the last few years, and I constantly beat myself up for it, which only leads to a deeper depression.  It's a vicious cycle, and I hope by returning to comfortable ground, I can break out of it.  Hopefully, that other saying that people tend to go by is wrong as well.  Maybe I can come home again.  We'll see. 

Where’s the Worth?

Now that my family and I have completed our time in Japan, we’ve begun the next phase of our life.  We are currently in the home country of my wife, Hungary, and we’re living with her dad while she continues with her pregnancy.  Our time here is primarily for her to experience life here once again, and to verify or contradict the feelings she has had for this country since she left here some 16 years ago.  She wanted to see if her memories of this place were all justified, and that it really is where she’s wanted to be all this time, or if it was just a sense of nostalgia that clouded her mind, and that life here is way more difficult than she remembered it being.

What this means for me is that it is now my turn to re-enter the workforce after a near 4 year hiatus.  To be honest, I couldn’t be happier to do it, since I’ve been sort of champing at the bit for quite some time to get out of the house.  While I have loved having the time with my daughter these last 2+ years, I’ve discovered, in no uncertain terms, that I am not cut out to be a stay at home dad.  I maintained well enough, and my little girl seems to have grown up happy and relatively well adjusted (she is still my kid, so she’s going to be kind of weird), but I never thrived and I don’t think I ever could in a home environment.  Mentally, I’m just wired to work, and collect paychecks, and feel like I’m contributing monetarily to my household.

Of course, there is hesitation when thinking about returning to work after 4 years.  There’s the question of whether or not I’m actually ready to go back.  My readiness may not be equal to my desire, and that could lead to some pretty bad failures when I go back to work.  How much will I miss my family during the day?  That’s a big one, because I’ve known nothing but time with my daughter during all this time.  And of course, one of my biggest concerns is whether or not I’ll actually be able to find some meaningful work after having been out of the industry for 4 years.  The world of IT is ever evolving, and I’ve been out of the game for what might as well be a whole era.

Job-hunting can be a soul crushing experience.  You’re reduced to your accomplishments and how well you can state them on a piece of paper (or in a Word document as the case is nowadays) and you send out hundreds if not thousands of them, knowing that you’re going to be rejected time and time again.  You may feel as if you are a shining star in a sea of darkness, and that you should be easily picked out, and picked up, but in reality, you’re just another point of light in an otherwise packed sky, and you just have to be lucky enough to be picked by that one company that will take a chance and check you out up close.  Meanwhile, you sit there, and wait, and wonder if you did everything right to feel like you shined as bright or as interestingly as you could, but feeling as though you screwed something up royally, and they’re huddled in their little HR cubicles, looking at your resume and laughing at your inept attempt to look employable.  It’s enough to make a person lose it a little bit, and honestly, it can kill a person’s self-worth.

And that got me thinking about the last four years, and what my worth has been.  After a couple of rejection letters from a few companies in the last month and a half, I’ve begun to wonder just what I’m worth now, and what I’ve been worth the last few years that I’ve been without work.  Internally, I feel as though I’ve been a kind of paperweight to this family.  I have a function, but it could really be accomplished by anything of sufficient weight and size, and in most cases, you don’t even really need it.  There were times I honestly thought things would be better if I weren’t around, instead of being there and just taking up space.  This feeling has been even stronger lately, since my wife is now no longer working, and actually has time to be the stay at home parent to spend the time with our child. 

I’ve expressed these feelings to my wife, and some friends, and time and again, they’ve told me how awesome I am, and that things will work out, and that it’s just a matter of time.  Of course, I’ve always been the impatient type, and hearing platitudes has never done much to placate my worries.  However, it does make me examine myself (big surprised huh?) and brings up the question, how do you quantify your self worth?

Is it based on how much money you bring home?  How much time and effort you spend cleaning the house, washing the clothes, bathing the kids?  How good the food you cook tastes?  How much you can make your kid laugh?  How much you make your spouse laugh?  I’ve struggled with this question for much of my life, because when I think back on it, I can’t really say that I’ve ever felt that I’ve been worth much.  There have been moments where I’ve had little triumphs along the way that gave me a sense of joy and accomplishment, but they never had any lasting effects on my feelings of self-worth. 

These last few years have really been testing those feelings.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite as low as I’ve felt these last few years.  However, there’s always a need to soldier on, to take care of my responsibilities, so I put those thoughts as far out of my head as I could.  I just did what I had to, and spent my spare moments losing myself in hobbies, video games, and esoteric thoughts.  But going through the job-hunting process has put a lot of my insecurities into sharp focus, and it’s one of those times where confrontation of those feelings had to happen, or there would be negative consequences.

So how does one go about judging their self-worth?  The only thing that has had any sort of meaning for me is how happy the people around you are, and how much of an effect you had on that happiness.  From speaking to my family and friends, I’ve discovered that I’ve surprisingly had a positive influence on their lives, even without really noticing it.  My existence on this planet has helped to impact people in a positive way, and that is really the only thing that I can say, for myself, has a lasting effect on my feelings.  If I wasn’t here, than the net positive effects that I’ve been able to have on people’s lives wouldn’t be there.  It may not be anything tangible; I can’t exactly hold other people’s happiness in my hand and count it, but when I know that people miss me, and want to be around me, that’s as good a way as any to know that you’re loved and wanted, and it tells you something about your self-worth. 

Does this mean that I’ll be able to go forward without feeling any insecurities about myself again?  Probably not, and I’ll backslide into depression again, because that’s always been my cycle.  But it’s important to keep the good things in mind, or it ends up being a fight that you’re just beating yourself in.  I’ll likely question myself over and over again, and feel worse until I finally find work and feel like I’m legitimately contributing again (even if I’ve been contributing all this time).  Even then, the job would just be a bandage to patch up one tiny cut in my admittedly beat up psyche, but at least it would be one less thing on my mind.  Until then, I have to keep doing what I can to do good by others, and maybe, hopefully, things will work out (even though I still really hate that phrase). 

Crushed by Success

By now, everyone has heard about the death of Robin Williams.  They’ve likely also heard about the details of his death, whereby he committed suicide by hanging himself, after what appears to be a failed attempt by cutting his wrists.  There has not yet been a report stating whether or not he had drugs or alcohol in his system, but he was known to have a substance abuse problem.  However, even if those weren’t the final catalyst to his actions, it was also reported that he had been suffering severe depression in recent months because he felt he couldn’t provide for his family.

I’m sure like many people, when I heard those words, I scratched my head initially.  How could an amazing talent like Robin Williams, a box office draw who always seemed to be working, ever have to worry about money?  It was even stranger when I found out that he had also already set up a trust fund for his kids that would have them set for the rest of their lives.  It was originally very hard to imagine what his worries could be that he would feel driven to kill himself.

Then it hit me.  Or at least, a theory hit me.  I can’t presume to know what was going on inside his head when he made the decision to end his life.  However, there was an article on Cracked.com recently that helped to shed some light on the situation.  You can find it here.  It’s a solid piece on why people who you might think are very funny and generally the life of the party, and always seem to have a smile on their face, would ever decide to end their own life.  But we see this type of thing happen to all types of celebrities, not just comedians, and also many of them are successful.  You can also find examples of this in your day to day life.  I think we’ve all heard of someone who, for no explicable reason, decided to commit suicide.  So it got me to thinking…

A lot of people who have been considered incredibly talented and successful, yet still killed themselves, always seemed to be uncomfortable being described as “geniuses”, “amazing”, “phenomenal”, or any number of superlatives.  They would usually laugh it off, or make some self-deprecating remark about how they’re just having fun doing what they love, and they don’t see anything special about themselves.  A lot of people would see that as being humble.  However, to anyone who has ever suffered from depression, there’s another reason for trying to deflect anything good being said about them.

Quite simply, they don’t, or rather can’t, see themselves that way.  From personal experience, I can tell you that when you’re locked in the throes of depression, you can see nothing good about yourself.  Every positive thing that someone says is either taken as not being sincere, or as added pressure to live up to a standard that, to your own mind, you can’t possibly live up to.  In fact, that pressure can feel so strong, that weight so heavy, that no matter how great the success you’ve had before, you can only see failure for yourself in the future, because you feel as though you are worthless and incapable of anything good.

That’s why a man like Robin Williams, an Academy Award winner, a millionaire many times over, beloved actor of millions, could ever feel like he wouldn’t be able to take care of his family, nevermind that they were already taken care of.  The depression had gotten so deep into him, that he could only see a bleak future, where he would be forced to toil away at jobs that would bring no satisfaction, no joy to anyone.  I believe he saw them purely as cash grabs, with no opportunity for art or passion.  It was known that he was not a fan of doing sequels, because he believed that there should be new stories to tell, not rehashing of stale plots, even if those movies would bring joy to many.  I doubt he ever thought sequels had any redeeming qualities, and he didn’t want to cheapen his integrity by making films that he felt weren’t good enough for anyone.  It would seem as though he had a very high level of perfectionalism that could have contributed greatly to his self-loathing.

I know for myself, hearing things like “You’re amazing”, or “You’re wonderful”, or really anything that could be considered a compliment just feels like added pressure to live up to those expectations.  I have always tried to be a good person, but I don’t know if I could ever truly be “amazing”.  I would rather hear a simple “Thank you for your efforts” and move on from there, because there’s no implication of expectation that I have to live up to anything special.  I’m perfectly fine with doing things as they are needed, and trying my best, without such accolades.  I know this isn’t true of everyone, but then again, not everyone suffers from bouts of depression.  It’s difficult to really see the world and how great it can be when everything feels like a dull gray. 

I think in Robin’s case, he had been so successful, for so long, and had been battling depression for so long (as evidenced by his substance abuse problems) that he hit that point where the expectations of him being that same, funny, loveable, incredible man, had finally crushed him.  When you feel as though you’re expected to succeed, and all you feel is that you are nothing or going to be nothing but a giant failure, it is no surprise that you might feel like giving up. 

Whatever he was feeling, I really hope he knew somewhere deep down that he truly was one of a kind, and that he has left an indelible mark on a few generations of fans, as well as anyone who ever had the privilege of working with, or even just meeting him.  I also hope that anyone else who might be going through something similar to him realizes that those positive things that people say about them are not some kind of cruel joke, or meant as added pressure, but rather a showing of appreciation for the good that they bring into other’s lives.  I know for myself, it’s like trying to pull a shark’s teeth out with a salami, but I’m working hard to remind myself that maybe, just maybe, I actually deserve some of that praise that comes my way. 

What Makes a Real Man

Since the heinous crime perpetrated by Elliot Rodger, I’ve been seeing a lot of articles and Youtube rants on misogyny, specifically the concept of masculinity and how it’s wielded as sort of a weapon against women.  It got me to thinking about how strange it is to be a male human, and yet by the definition set forth by what passes for typical masculinity, I don’t really qualify as a “man”.

I am not physically aggressive; I neither hide nor hide from my emotions; I believe whole-heartedly in equality for women; I don’t view women as objects to be won as if they were some sort of reward that is entitled to me; I do not have a domineering personality; I am not physically imposing; I am well aware of what I fear and will freely admit it, and a whole list of things that honestly would have a stereotypical “man” look at me and question if I’m actually a guy at all.

The type of thinking that has men trying to validate their masculinity leads mainly to violence and harm.  Being a ‘roided out monster who represses their emotions in order to “man up,” and who only see women as sexual objects who exist purely to satisfy their physical needs has somehow become the new standard for which men should strive.  The type of man who will stop at nothing to get what he wants, even when that involves hurting someone, raping someone, or just plain being a humongous dick to everyone around them, and somehow this is meant to be a goal for all men? 

I understand how that might have been the case back in prehistoric days.  Where your size equaled your ability to survive out in the harsh world.  Even then, women were still revered, because their ability to bring life into the world was considered something special.  Anthropological findings have long since dispelled the myth of men cracking their women over the head with a club in order to mate, and yet, it seems the men of today still see that as a lesson to be learned.  If you can’t get what you want, brute force and ignorance will get you there. 

It’s time that way of thinking is changed.  We need to redefine what makes a man, a man.  A modern man, who isn’t judged based on how many women he’s slept with, or how much weight he can lift, or how much money or material goods he is able to obtain.  I’ll try to put together a list that I think is appropriate and you can feel free to add or subtract the things that make sense to you.

First and foremost, a real man should take responsibility for his actions.  Men are self-aware, sentient creatures, or at least we’re supposed to be, so any decisions that they make should have some thought behind them.  There should no longer be an excuse of “boys ill be boys” whenever they do something wrong.  A member of the Indian government recently said “Boys will be boys, they make mistakes” in regards to rape.  People like this should be hung up by their toes and beaten like a pinata.  ( I said I wasn’t physically aggressive, it doesn’t mean I’m violence free )  If you are a real man, and you bring harm to someone, then you have to take responsibility and pay for your crimes. 

Of course, if you were a real man, you wouldn’t harm people for no good reason anyway, which brings me to my second point.  A real man would protect those who need protecting, whether or not they’re physically weaker than you, vulnerable, or just in a worse off place than you are at the time.  A real man cares for his fellow man, and would hate to see harm come to them if he could do something to prevent it. 

A real man would not be afraid to show his emotions.  He would be smart enough to realize that repressing your emotions to not appear weak to others only makes things worse for themselves.  Holding all of that in only leads to more internal pressure, and anyone who knows anything about that knows that eventually cracks will appear, and then a giant kaboom will follow.  A real man deals with his problems in the best way that he can so that he can resume a healthy life, where he can enjoy his time with loved ones fully.

A real man should be flexible enough to do whatever the situation demands for his family.  If you, as the man, have to stay home and be a house husband and a stay at home dad because that’s what is needed, then that’s what you do.  I’m not saying you can’t complain, because holding in that sort of resentment toward your spouse will only lead to marital woes, but at the same time, if it needs to be done, then you have to put in your best effort.  It is just another challenge that needs to be taken on, and a real man is always ready for a challenge.

A real man treats people with respect, but knows that respect has to be earned.  No matter your race, gender, sexual orientation, or tax bracket, a real man would treat you as he would want to be treated, as a human being.  He wouldn’t judge you based on things outside of your control, and he wouldn’t be quick to make judgments based on first impressions.  He knows that life is not made up only of his experiences, and that everyone has hardships that he may never have gone through.

And finally, a real man doesn’t feel entitled to anything.  He knows he has to work for what he deserves, and even then he might not get it.  However, he’s grateful for what he has and isn’t resentful of those who may have more.  He knows that life is what you make of it, and that it is his job to make his life mean something to him.

It’s not a very long list, but just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy.  To strive to be a better man, or more accurately, a better person, should be the goal of everybody on this planet, regardless of who or where you are.  Your job should be to improve the world around you, not to grab everything for yourself and claim power over all. 

Having written all that, I can’t say that I match all of those requirements for what I consider to be a real man.  However, I think those goals are something worth striving for, because they bring no harm to anyone, and only serve to better yourself and those around you.  Maybe I’m wrong, and there’s a component in the list that could potentially cause problems, but instead of looking for the cracks, how about first considering the positive spin on it first.  And if you have other things to add, leave them in the comments.  I’m always working to be a better person, and there may be things that I might not have considered.  Taking into consideration an outside perspective is also an important part of being a real man, because a real man knows that they don’t know everything.

What Comes Next?

I’ve been thinking about mortality quite a bit lately.  I’m not sure what exactly brought it on; probably reading articles about religion, atheism, scientific discoveries, and other things that makes one think about what we see and what we do and don’t know.  Anyway, I’ve been hit with this feeling of how enormous the amount of time is when you’re not alive and breathing on this planet, as opposed to the short amount of time you do spend doing whatever it is you do while you’re alive.

I’m not sure I can describe the feeling properly.  For me, it feels as though you’re sitting in a dark space, and you don’t know how large that space is.  The only thing that you can see is yourself, because you happen to be illuminated.  You can move about freely, but the only thing visible is yourself, and no matter how far you walk, you never hit a wall, or hear anything, or  see anything, not even anything directly at your feet.  If you stop moving, everything is still, all is silent, but it’s not the kind of quiet where you can hear your own heartbeat.  It’s just kind of empty, maybe white noise at best, kind of like what you get when you wear ear protectors.  That’s probably the best way I can describe the feeling I’ve been getting lately when I think about the vastness of time as it relates to my own life. 

I can say one thing definitively about that feeling… it scares the hell out of me.  It hit me the other night when I was lying in bed, somewhat suddenly, and it actually caused a bit of a panic.  It got me to thinking about what comes after death, since we can only experience our life while we’re alive, and no one knows what comes next.  There of course is a ton of speculation.  Innumerable religions have been founded on the idea of what comes next and how to get there.  The one constant is that there is something next, and that who we are as individuals doesn’t just disappear when we die.  Lying there, at night, with that feeling hitting me, I very much want to believe that one of those beliefs is true.  However, none of them have ever made sense to me, so I can’t subscribe to any religion, along with other reasons, hence my atheism.

However, it has made me wonder, and come up with my own theory.  It’s about as plausible as all the rest, although it may get a bit convoluted, so bear with me. 

If you look at life as a concept, it all comes in cycles.  We’re born, we live, we die.  That’s the basic individual life cycle.  However, on a larger scale, we see how death can lead to life.  We’re born, we live, we die, we return to the Earth, life emerges from our remains in some form.  Normally through plant life, but through that, energy is passed on to animal life, which ends up entering that life cycle, which in turn returns back to the plant life cycle. 

Ok, so we’ve established that.  Seeing that as cyclical, we now turn to our individual consciousness.  We, as individual humans, are born with basic consciousness.  However, it takes time for that to develop.  We are completely unaware of who we are as individuals until some time has passed, and we develop a sense of self.  For some, it takes longer than others, but it eventually happens.  As we get older, the biggest fear is that we lose our sense of self.  The older you get, the more likely this is to happen, but ultimately, we lose our sense of self completely when we die. 

During the entire course of our lives, we are converting a massive amount of energy, from the food that we consume, into our actions and thoughts.  Physics teaches us that energy and matter cannot be destroyed, just converted into different forms of energy or matter.  It also teaches us that due to this, we are all potentially made of star stuff.  Probability teaches us that given a long enough stretch of time, anything is possible.  There is also a theory floating around out there that the creation and destruction of the universe is also cyclical, as the universe is currently expanding, but will eventually collapse and shrink back down until it reaches critical mass and another big bang happens, thus entering into another cyclical phase.

So what I propose is this.  When your consciousness ends, at least the current version of it, you are completely unaware of time.  Time is only experienced by us because that’s how we interpret our actions, and how we move about in this dimension.  However, after your consciousness ends, all of that energy is converted.  Into what, I can’t say, but the energy that once composed who you are still exists, just in a different form.  Given a long enough time span, the energy that once was composed as you could potentially reform in the same way, possibly in the next iteration of the universe.  However, because you’re not experiencing time, you couldn’t tell this was happening, so you would theoretically wake up after your death, and still be you, and you would never know, except for the radical changes around you. 

It’s possible this may have happened already, or it’s possible we are just the first iteration.  There’s no way of knowing, but it’s fun to imagine.  The hard part is wrapping your mind around it, because it requires the stretching of the imagination into the realm of the infinite, and that’s not a comfortable place to be.  Of course, it’s also possible that this really is it, and once we die, there’s nothing at all after, but I like to imagine my theory has some plausibility to it, because it’s comforting in its own warped way.

That being said, I do still prefer to live the current life that I have as if it was finite, and my actions will have consequences that will be defined by what I did while I was alive now.  These actions and consequences extend to my family and friends, and whatever effect I have on them will be my legacy, so I have to be sure that what I’m doing now is the right thing for me.  There’s no sense in pining for the unknown, when you’re dealing with what you know right now.  (That’ll end my little morality blurb for this blog entry).

Now, none of what I said may make any sense.  Feel free to interpret it as the ramblings of a madman.  I honestly wrote this because thinking about death, for me, is more comforting than just being afraid of it.  Dealing with the fear with this weird mental exercise in explaining it with what little knowledge I have is what gives me the comfort needed to combat that weird feeling of vastness that I sometimes get.  Better than lying awake in bed all night feeling really tiny. 

Told you this blog was for catching all the detritus in my head.  Hope you enjoyed some of this bit of weirdness.

A State of Disbelief

This particular entry is written as a sort of response to many of the posts that I see on a regular basis from my friends who have faith.  While I doubt they mean to offend anyone, repeated postings of items that state that without God, there is little meaning to life, or that without God, I am not a good person, or any number of such statements can be taken a bit personally for someone who doesn’t believe.

I’m not sure I’ve ever made this entirely clear, but I am, in fact, an atheist.  I used to be agnostic, but as time went on, I felt a stronger pull away from the idea that there’s some omnipotent being that had some hand in creating everything, and is now watching over us and protecting us.  Science has always been something I’ve trusted and relied on, due to evidence and the ability to back up the claims that it does make, and the ability to admit when it makes mistakes, and continues to search for the correct answer.  It appeals to the analytical part of my mind, which admittedly, makes up a lion’s share of my thought process.

Anyway, here’s the problem.  Because of my atheism, it bothers me when people imply that I am not a good person because I don’t believe in a god.  The majority of the time, it’s in relation to the Judeo-Christian god.  Quotes from the Bible that proselytize, and admonish those who are non-believers regularly take up residence on my newsfeed, and memes from pages that extoll the virtues of being a believer or claim some sort of disability of the mind if you aren’t a believer flash across my face more times than I care to remember.  I know that not all of my religious friends are guilty of this, and I’m not writing this to place any blame, or to tell them to stop.  They have every right to express their faith in any way they care to.  I fully believe in the right to religion, and the freedom of speech, as long as there are no words of hate being spewed where religion is the justification for that type of action. 

However, I do feel I have to say something.  My being a good person is not dependent on what god I believe in.  My ability to do good is neither hindered nor helped by what faith I do or do not have.  I choose to do good things, and try to generally be a positive influence on the world around me because I think it is the right thing to do.  That belief comes from a life filled with the love of friends and family who have shown me that doing good is a reward in itself, and not due to an external influence.  I am not doing good to reach some vaunted afterlife, nor do I believe that doing good in this life will make things better for me after I die.  I believe that the life I have now is the only one I’ll ever have, and that I must use it to the best of my abilities to bring positivity to the world, which means the life that I have is the most important life I’ll ever get.  I have never needed the threat of punishment to understand that doing good is much better, by an order of magnitude, than doing bad. 

That being said, here comes the problem with being an atheist.  When the conversation of why you don’t believe in a god comes up, especially when speaking to someone who is passionate about their beliefs, the conversation inevitably comes around to the reasons why religion makes no sense to an atheist.  It will always seem like an attack, because you have to question the other person’s belief system.  It will tend to make the faithful think that atheists believe all people of religion are gullible and stupid, because an atheist will repeatedly punch holes and bring up contradictions within any religious belief system.  This is precisely why an atheist is an atheist, but to the faithful, all of those questions are answered by their faith, and that if the atheist would just believe, there would be no reason to ask the questions.  This, I believe, is the major impasse between the two groups.

This brings me to one of the reasons why I have been slightly hesitant to full out declare my atheism.  Much of the time I did any research into the atheist culture, I regularly run into smug, pretentious, overbearing people who believe that atheism is the only way to go, and that those who believe are moronic because of their faith.  Routinely, I have seen statements made that are made to ridicule people for their beliefs, and attacking the faithful for no other reason than to make the originator of that attack feel superior.  They try their best to make religion seem as ridiculous as possible, by condensing an entire belief system into silly imagery, or making it sound as outlandish as possible.  The majority of the hate is directed at Christianity, as that is the predominant religion in the world, especially in the US, so there are routinely references to “Zombie Jesus” or the justification of horrendous acts due to “God’s will”.  The only thing this serves to do is make people hate atheists, as it’s not the lack of belief that bothers people, but because the atheists come across as pompous jackasses. 

Here’s the thing for me when it comes to all of this belief vs non-belief stuff.  I chose to be an atheist because there isn’t enough evidence for me to believe there is a god, of any religion.  I do not understand faith because I simply don’t.  Those who have faith have a hard time understanding those without.  Both sides believe the answer is right in front of the other as long as they’d just look, but unfortunately, neither side sees the same thing.  As much as atheists aren’t terrible people because they don’t believe in a god, the same can be said for people of religion just because horrible things have been done in the name of a god.  Horrible things are always done with a justification, and religion is the easiest scapegoat, because it’s always easier to go “I’m doing this because I got orders from above” and not because the person doing it is a raging asshole.  If it wasn’t religion, it would’ve been something else, and then whatever that something else would’ve been blamed for the troubles of the world. 

There has been a lot of good done in a god’s name, I’d dare say much more good than bad.  However, there has been just as much good done for the sake of doing good.  All I care about is the fact that good is being done, regardless of the reasoning behind it.  Ultimately, caring for your fellow man, and not being a selfish, greedy prick, is a good place to start for being a good person.  What leads you to that decision doesn’t matter, as long as you do it.  I just hope people can understand that before it gets to be too late. 

Heal Thyself

Ok, so this is going to be one of my stranger posts.  It's based off of an idea that suddenly coalesced in my brain and it wouldn't let go, so I'm going to put it down on here, and if it somehow turns out to be scientifically possible, or maybe I just haven't seen the studies on it yet, I'd like to know I came up with it on my own... sort of.

Anyway, it began with this thing that my wife jokingly said to me before.  She says that orange juice is my life's blood.   I drink a LOT of OJ.  It is my go to drink most of the time, and whenever I'm feeling a little under the weather (which in and of itself is rare) I would just drink more and recover pretty quickly.  I've rarely had an illness that has laid me out for longer than a day or so, and I'm generally in good health.  Some of this may be a placebo effect, but I think we all know someone who is generally unusually healthy, despite not having what could be considered healthful habits.  So it got me to thinking.  What if our bodies are more attuned to a specific vitamin, or amino acid or something, and getting that particular need filled before others will lead to better overall health?

I may not have phrased that as clearly as I had hoped, so let me try to explain a little better.  There is a general belief that eating a healthful diet, as determined by some medical body or other, will lead to a healthy life.  However, this isn't true for everyone.  Some people can eat "normal" levels of vegetables, fruits, meats, fish, grains, fibers, etc., and still have health issues.  Cholesterol levels, heart disease, bad immune systems, all of these things are always blamed on genetic issues, predispositions, or some other vague thing that can't be explained.  What if it was simpler than that?  What if there was something that you as an individual could do that would lead to better health?

Something that we have to remember when approaching this is that everyone is different.  We all react to different things differently, whether mentally or physically.  With that in mind, I think that every individual person's body requires more of a specific vitamin, amino acid, chemical, or whatever, as opposed to a general diet for wellness.  Yes, you would still need to eat a decent diet, but if you were to get your fill of that specific thing that you need, you wouldn't need to overcompensate with other things, leading to a generally healthier life.

It gets a little convoluted here, so bear with me a little.  This makes sense to me because if you think about it, there are a lot of people overeating because they feel that they are trying to fulfill some need, and eating is the way to get it.  If they're eating all these things, and yet still barely getting the exact substance that they need that their body is craving, that would lead to a greater craving or desire to satiate whatever that need would be.  That would just lead to more eating, because they may be getting some of what they need, but not enough to fulfill them. 

To put it another way, think of the difference in gasoline octanes.  Most cars can run on the general stuff.  Low octane fuel is fine for most cars.  But there are some cars that need the higher octane stuff because their engines are designed to use that more efficiently.  If you use the low octane stuff, you get less efficiency out of the engine, and actually end up doing damage.  Think of that as the same thing for your body.  Most people can run on the general stuff and get along fine, but there are some bodies that require a different type of fuel, something more specific to their makeup, and that would help them run better, but if they don't get it, they could end up with any number of issues, whether it's obesity, illnesses, or just a generally lower level of health.

Now the problem of course is I have no way of proving this.  It's just general speculation on my part, but it makes sense in a way.  We all know that person who drinks a ton of alcohol, eats like a horse, never works out, yet is fully functional, maybe not in the best shape, but far from slovenly, and is rarely sick.  At the same time, we know people who do every diet in the world, work out religiously, get regular checkups, but something is always wrong with them medically.  It may be a situation where person A is by some dumb chance getting that thing they need while person B isn't because it isn't within the range of what they're doing.  There is some evidence to support this idea, since there are diseases that require you to eat high amounts of carbs in order not to get debilitating symptoms, or require you to intake high amounts of protein in order to function properly.  General guidelines would say that either idea is nuts, yet it's still required in order for that person who has that illness to function properly.  Why not take it further and break it down to the most basic level?  There is also precedent for this idea because when your body is craving certain nutrients, you will do basically anything to get them.  Like one of the stories I saw on the Discovery channel or The Learning Channel (before they became all about bad reality shows) where someone was lost at sea, and would regularly eat the eyes and the bones of the fish he caught instead of the meat of the fish because his body required the calcium and some other protein or amino acid that only the eyes could provide.  Not exactly something you would think to do, but the need of his body and the access that he had led to that particular scenario.

It would be an interesting study to run, to see if this might be the case.  It could revolutionize the health and wellness industry, not to mention the medical industry.  It would be the greatest form of preventative medicine, since you'd be less likely to get sick as long as you were able to get what you needed easily.  Then that could lead to pursuit of other things, as health wouldn't be as much of an issue, and would actually help poorer nations, since they could concentrate on what they need instead of just shotgunning ideas.  No, I don't think this would eliminate all disease, but it might be able to take care of the more common ones, and less days where you're sick mean more days that you can do what you want and what you need.  If a test could be formulated to quickly and easily determine what bit of nutrition you needed, it would save everyone a lot of time and resources.  They have genetic testing that can tell whether you're more prone to certain types of cancer, so this test wouldn't be so far off. 

I know there haven't been a lot of specifics in this, and like I said, it's more to do with the fact that this is some vague idea I had.  It likely has no merit in actual science, but hey, ideas have to come from somewhere, and if it bears out, I can always say I had that idea early on.  Besides, this is just a blog where the detritus in my head comes to settle, so this is sometimes what you end up with.  Some of my pseudo-science.  Anyway, if anyone knows of any similar ideas being explored by actual scientific minds, I'd love to know, so feel free to send me links.  I'm always up for reading something new and interesting.