So here I am on a flight out of Hungary (actually out of Sweden, but really who needs all the details?), and I'm stepping forward into the next part of my life. It's been almost 4 years since I last lived in the US, so I can say I've got a bit of a different perspective than when this whole adventure began. When I was on my way out, I was full of anxiety, apprehension, and confusion about my future. Now that I'm on my way back I'm... full of anxiety, apprehension, and confusion about my future. The more things change...
The big difference is that on my way back, I'm actually more hopeful of how things will end up. When I was leaving the US, I was worried about how I would adapt to life in a completely different country. Moving to Japan wasn't necessarily a hard decision, because it was a move to be with my wife, and to support her. The difficulty was in the leaving the familiarity of the life I had, the security of a job (albeit a job that I felt was leading to a dead end), and of leaving the only home I've ever known.
There was one thing that was playing through my head though as I boarded the plane and flew away from New York City. That old saying of "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere." Let me tell you right now, that saying is utter bullshit. I think before I left, I was living a rather comfortable life in NYC. I had a couple of solid jobs, I was making pretty good money, and there wasn't much that I wanted that was really out of reach. Moving to a foreign country where I had no grasp of the language, and honestly wasn't all that thrilled to be there, left me floundering for quite some time. When the only jobs available to me at the time were variations of an English Instructor, it soon became clear to me that being outside of the US was going to be much harder than I originally envisioned.
However, I did end up having a job that I would need to devote all of my time, energy, and mental abilities to. Anyone who tells you that being a full time stay at home dad isn't a job needs to be shot in the face. Especially when you're a rookie, and you get thrown into the deep end before you realize what is going on. I've already gone into some detail about the trials and tribulations of being a first time stay at home dad. The constant worry that I was going to screw up my daughter, the feeling that I wasn't doing everything I could to raise her right, or that I was going to just outright kill her because of some bonehead mistake. Ultimately, I think I did alright with the time I had with her. She's been an absolutely sweetheart. I feel fortunate that our daughter has turned out to be the kind-hearted, sweet, funny, goofy, strange little girl that she has become so far. We're in the middle of the terrible twos with her currently, so she has her moments, but even then, she has been an absolute joy to my wife and I.
The other side of that coin with being out of the country the way I've been is that I've felt completely isolated for quite some time. This is something else I've spoken about in some detail, and I've felt possibly the worst depression I've ever had in my life. I've withdrawn, lashed out, put up walls, shunned my loved ones, and basically been a real piece of crap at times because of how I've felt, and I'm lucky that my wife has put up with as much as she has. I hope not too much of it has rubbed off on my daughter, since I was her primary caretaker during these last few years. Only time will tell I suppose.
The sad thing is that in our final year in Japan, I was starting to put together some sort of life again. Finding friends with mutual interests, having the occasional social gathering, and just doing things that I enjoyed on a semi-regular basis was starting to get me feeling like my old self again. I think I was beginning to break out of my funk, and was more loving, attentive, and just generally a better guy than I had been the previous couple of years. Then of course, the year ended, and all that I had built had to be left behind. And thus we embarked on our journey to Hungary, where we would try to make a go of it there.
I'm not going to lie and say I had a good time. If nothing else, I think it was worse than my time in Japan. Whereas I felt isolated in Japan by our circumstances, I felt like a complete outsider in Hungary. In Japan, I could at least blend in and not get a second look from people. The only odd looks I would get were from people who found it strange that an able-bodied male was walking around with a baby girl strapped to him in the middle of the day instead of being at work. However, it was more of a curiosity than looks of disdain. Never in my life have I felt more alienated than I did while I was staying in Hungary. The worst of it was when I was just out at the park with my daughter, and I had two separate parents pull their kids away just because they were playing too close to us. I don't exactly know what the reason was, as I didn't understand what they were saying, but the looks on the parents' faces made me feel like I had two heads, or was wearing a sign that said "PEDOPHILE MURDERER" written in blood across my face. I won't say that was representative of my time in Hungary as a whole. For the most part, the people are rather benign. However, they don't know how to handle non-white foreigners, so it just felt like I was on display for the most part as an oddity or some for of an attraction. By the end of my time there, I had finally just decided to say screw it and dyed my hair blue (although it turned out more green) and assume people were looking at me funny for that, as opposed to for just being born a different ethnicity. To be clear, the actual reason for dying my hair was to celebrate the birth of my son, but I probably wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel like I stuck out so much anyway. It was both frustrating and freeing at the same time. It also didn't help that I just couldn't seem to find work, no matter how many resumes I sent out, or leads I would follow. I would seemingly be on a decent path, with the right qualifications, just for it to suddenly fall apart and find myself back at square one.
So now I'm heading back to NYC. I go back feeling as though I've been a complete failure at providing for my family. I go back with a near 4 year gap in my work history. I go back not knowing how well I'm going to adapt to living in a city that has moved on without me, and where I'm not even 100% sure I fit in anymore. When I express these concerns to my friends, I generally get one of two responses, on the extreme opposite ends. The majority of it has been "Everything will be fine. I'm sure you'll find something soon, and you'll settle back into your life here. Once you find that job, you'll be able to bring your family back and live a happy life here." (Did I mention I'm going back by myself, because without a job, my kids have no healthcare? My wife and kids are staying behind until I find work, so there's the added stress of that to contend with.) The other response, which is far less frequent, but which plays in my mind much more, is "Man, life is expensive in NY. You sure you want to come back here? Have you thought about looking elsewhere? Is it really the best place to raise a family?"
The first response I'm not comfortable with because I'm a realist. I don't KNOW that everything will be fine just because people say it almost reflexively, and without any real care for that four year gap in my work history, which has been a real problem for me to find work, at least overseas. The other response just plays to my paranoia, and makes me more worried about the decision to come back. Neither one really helps. I know why those two responses are given, as people want to reassure me, or help me realize that things may be tougher than I imagine, but they both play to the bad parts of my psyche. I'm grateful that people care as much as they do, but sometimes it's hard to deal with things when I feel like there are expectations placed on me and what kind of success I'll find just because I'm coming back to NY.
All that being said, I am glad for one big thing about coming back. To be near my friends and family again will have a hugely positive influence on me. I'm hoping being in my old stomping grounds will have me feeling like myself again. The last few times I've been back, I've wavered between enjoying my time, and not feeling comfortable because things were so much harsher than I remembered. Some of it was because of comparison to the life I was leading out of the country. I just hope that this being my full return, I'll be able to settle in and be myself again, for the first time in a long while. I'm hoping that the funk I've been in has been due to the circumstances, and not because that's just who I've become. I haven't been the best husband and father the last few years, and I constantly beat myself up for it, which only leads to a deeper depression. It's a vicious cycle, and I hope by returning to comfortable ground, I can break out of it. Hopefully, that other saying that people tend to go by is wrong as well. Maybe I can come home again. We'll see.
