Truth or Consequences

This above all: to thine own self be true.

-Polonius: Hamlet Act 1, scene 3 

We’ve all heard variations of this piece of advice over the course of our lives.  Whenever we question something about ourselves, or feel unsure about what to do, we normally hear someone tell us that we need to stay true to who we are. That if you’re not honest with yourself, you’ll never really find any measure of happiness. It is a sound piece of advice, because I think we’ve all felt that moment when you realize you’ve been lying to yourself, or have ignored something that was really important to who you are, and realized that it was causing you great emotional pain.

However, historically, there have been a few exceptions.  If part of who you really are is considered “deviant” in any way, then society at large will demand that you keep that part hidden.  The problem is that what society considers “deviant” is subjective, but nonetheless, that part of you still exists.  It’s especially a problem if that part of you is in no way harmful, whether physically or mentally, to anyone else, yet society still wants you to suppress it.

In our current society, we are in a struggle with the concepts of homosexuality and transgender people.  For some reason, at least in my experience, it is mostly tied to religious belief, and it would seem that a lot people have a problem with both of these traits.  There exists a belief that homosexuals and transgender people choose to be that way.  That somehow, they have decided that they want to behave in a way that would get them shunned, persecuted, ostracized, oppressed, attacked, hated, and any number of actions that would cause them great harm. 

What I have to wonder is, of the people who believe that they would choose to be homosexual or transgender, what would cause them to believe that anyone would choose to be something that would garner so much negative attention?  There is no logical reason that people choose to put themselves in a situation that would bring great distress and pain on themselves.  And for those that would call them masochists, realize that masochists derive pleasure from physical pain, the complete opposite of someone who is being hurt emotionally and made to feel that they are worth less than what they are because they are just trying to be who they feel themselves to be.

It’s an important distinction to make, and to understand.  Choosing to be something means that you can also choose to not be that something, at any point.  There is no inherent connection to that choice, aside from the attachments you make.  However, to be born as either homosexual or transgender, is an essential part of the very core of your being.  To deny something that is an important part of who you are, especially when it is due to coercion by outside influences (family, friends, society) causes such strife, such pain, in your very being, your soul if you believe in such things, that a lot of times, people can only free themselves from that distress by ending their own lives.  If it was simply a “choice,” then people would not feel such self-loathing if they were to “choose wrong” so to speak. 

Identity issues are difficult enough, even if you don’t have societal pressure trying to crush you into conforming.  I’m ethnically Chinese, but I was born in the US.  Anyone who is born a second generation immigrant understands the difficulty in trying to balance the different cultures that you grow up with.  Many want to honor their heritage, but at the same time, they have to live in the society that they were born in.  If you don’t assimilate, then you feel separated from your community.  If you do assimilate, you drift away from your family and cultural history.  Trying to be both is admirable, but nearly impossible.  There’s a great deal of compromise needed in order to keep both sides happy, and a lot of times, despite so many people going through it, it’s not a shared experience.  So imagine adding on top of that the idea that you’ll be hated by the world at large if you want to be yourself.  Your whole life, people tell you to be honest with yourself, but when you are, they come down hard on you to bury it away, to deny that part of you.

Which brings me to the whole point of this entry.  The courage it takes to come out, and to claim your homosexuality, or your gender identity, is immense.  To know that just by proclaiming who you are, you will face great hatred, persecution, violence, and even threats to your life, requires greater courage than many of us can ever fathom. 

People will try to co-opt that bravery, by claiming that somehow, your ownership of your identity somehow infringes on their existence.  That being true to yourself will damage the very fabric of society, and that they are somehow courageous and righteous by standing up against your right to be who you are.  There are those who would attempt to negate your courage by saying it pales in comparison to people who put their lives on the line on a regular basis by being soldiers or police officers, as though somehow finding employment, knowing full well what the hazards of the job are, immediately raises you to heroic levels. 

If that were true, why does no one hold up loggers as heroes?  They have the highest per capita fatalities, and they work hard to provide fuel, raw material for nearly every aspect of your life, and they don’t even get paid all that much.  Or fishermen who help to put food on your table.  They travel to remote locations, risk being thrown into the merciless ocean, freeze to death, drown, or any other number of horrific ways to die.  Yes, you can say they do it for monetary gains, or to better their own life situations, but can you really say that most of the people who go into the military or into law enforcement aren’t doing it for the same purpose?  Can you really say that the majority of them are people wanting to do those jobs for noble reasons? 

Even then, even when held in comparison to these jobs that people take willingly, knowing that they may lose their life, it doesn’t change the fact that coming out requires massive stores of will and courage.  To know that the possibility that you may lose friends and family over your choice to come out, that you may lose your livelihood because of unfair labor laws, that you may be looked down upon by your community, would make the decision against coming out seem almost like a no-brainer.  However, the fact that living a lie is so painful, where the only choices they have are coming out, living in misery for the rest of their days, or ending it all, should tell you what kind of courage it takes to come out and be honest with yourself, and to be true to yourself. 

Ultimately, the point I want to make is that it shouldn’t be a matter of competition on how brave something is in order for it to be validated as being worthy of the label.  Everything has its challenges, and to dismiss one thing because your personal measure of bravery lies in something else is terribly narrow-minded.  Identity issues are never simple, and we’re all struggling to find out who we really are, and what our place in the universe is.  Don’t stomp on someone else just because their journey takes a different path than yours.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Tomorrow marks my return to the workforce.  It’s been over four years since I was last gainfully employed.  It has been a surreal experience to have been away for so long, and even stranger to be able to go back to what is essentially a promotion from my former position, despite the large gap in time.  I’m definitely excited, but the weird thing is, while I think I should be nervous, it isn’t anywhere near as bad as I  thought it would be.  I suppose the experiences I’ve had these past four years has changed me more than I realized.

Prior to starting anything new, whether it was a new job, a new hobby, or just anything that would cause even the slightest amount of pressure, I’d be a complete wreck in the days leading up to whatever it was I was going to do.  I’d routinely be unable to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, I’d feel butterflies in my stomach, and I’d be worried about completely screwing up and making a complete mess of things.  Now… I just feel like I’m going back to the office after a long weekend.

There might be a couple of things in play.  One, is that I’m basically returning to my old job,  I was fortunate enough to be able to go back to my old place of employment and find a job that was a perfect fit for me. While I won’t be working with the original group of guys that I was with, I’ll still be in the same general building as them.  Being in familiar surroundings definitely helps.  It also helps that I know basically everyone that I’ll be working with from before as well, and they’ve always proven to be incredibly supportive.  It was their faith in me from before that helped me to get the job in the first place, so it makes me feel like I have someone at my back.

The second thing is that after having been a stay at home dad for a couple of years, I don’t think there’s a lot of things that would phase me anymore.  When you someone else’s life is in your hands, and they’ve grown up to be a happy and healthy child, it kind of shows that you can be capable of anything, no matter how unprepared you think you might be.  Juggling the myriad number of things required to take care of a child, keep the house in order, make sure everyone is fed, and keeping yourself from going crazy really gives your ability to multi-task a good workout.

The only thing I’m worried about is the possible bad habits I’ve picked up from not having to deal with adults on a regular basis.  You can get used to speaking to kids in a certain way, and that normally passes over to how you speak to your spouse or significant other.  Avoid enough adult contact, and your day to day conversation can sound pretty strange.  I just hope I don’t suddenly announce that I have to use the potty in the middle of a conversation with a colleague. 

Also having to wake up in the morning.  It’s different when you’re woken up by your kid and you groggily take the time to prepare breakfast, or clean up a mess.  It’s another thing to have to commute to the office, and figure out some technical problem when your brain is in a haze.  My sleep schedule has been kind of screwy lately, especially with being away from my family for the last two months.  A lot of late nights and late mornings.  I’m hoping I can settle into a regular diurnal mode of sleeping, just to avoid being a total zombie for the first few hours of the day.

Aside from all of that though, it is a return to what could be considered a more traditional configuration for a family.  I’ll be working while my wife will be home with the kids.  While I was happy with the time I had with my daughter, and the time at the beginning with my son, I’m glad I finally have the opportunity to going back to a situation that is ultimately more comfortable for me.  I like planning things and having them come together under my direction.  I like getting a paycheck twice a month.  I like feeling like I’m contributing the way I’m comfortable contributing.  You can call it old-fashioned, or patriarchal, but honestly, I think it just works better for our family unit.  At least I sure hope it does.  Time will tell.

On that note, tomorrow promises to be an interesting day.  First day back in the saddle. Here’s to hoping it leads to greater things.

Coming Home

So here I am on a flight out of Hungary (actually out of Sweden, but really who needs all the details?), and I'm stepping forward into the next part of my life.  It's been almost 4 years since I last lived in the US, so I can say I've got a bit of a different perspective than when this whole adventure began.  When I was on my way out, I was full of anxiety, apprehension, and confusion about my future. Now that I'm on my way back I'm... full of anxiety, apprehension, and confusion about my future.  The more things change...

The big difference is that on my way back, I'm actually more hopeful of how things will end up.  When I was leaving the US, I was worried about how I would adapt to life in a completely different country.  Moving to Japan wasn't necessarily a hard decision, because it was a move to be with my wife, and to support her.  The difficulty was in the leaving the familiarity of the life I had, the security of a job (albeit a job that I felt was leading to a dead end), and of leaving the only home I've ever known. 

There was one thing that was playing through my head though as I boarded the plane and flew away from New York City.  That old saying of "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere."  Let me tell you right now, that saying is utter bullshit.  I think before I left, I was living a rather comfortable life in NYC.  I had a couple of solid jobs, I was making pretty good money, and there wasn't much that I wanted that was really out of reach.  Moving to a foreign country where I had no grasp of the language, and honestly wasn't all that thrilled to be there, left me floundering for quite some time.  When the only jobs available to me at the time were variations of an English Instructor, it soon became clear to me that being outside of the US was going to be much harder than I originally envisioned.
 

However, I did end up having a job that I would need to devote all of my time, energy, and mental abilities to.  Anyone who tells you that being a full time stay at home dad isn't a job needs to be shot in the face.  Especially when you're a rookie, and you get thrown into the deep end before you realize what is going on.  I've already gone into some detail about the trials and tribulations of being a first time stay at home dad.  The constant worry that I was going to screw up my daughter, the feeling that I wasn't doing everything I could to raise her right, or that I was going to just outright kill her because of some bonehead mistake.  Ultimately, I think I did alright with the time I had with her.  She's been an absolutely sweetheart.  I feel fortunate that our daughter has turned out to be the kind-hearted, sweet, funny, goofy, strange little girl that she has become so far.  We're in the middle of the terrible twos with her currently, so she has her moments, but even then, she has been an absolute joy to my wife and I.

The other side of that coin with being out of the country the way I've been is that I've felt completely isolated for quite some time.  This is something else I've spoken about in some detail, and I've felt possibly the worst depression I've ever had in my life.  I've withdrawn, lashed out, put up walls, shunned my loved ones, and basically been a real piece of crap at times because of how I've felt, and I'm lucky that my wife has put up with as much as she has.  I hope not too much of it has rubbed off on my daughter, since I was her primary caretaker during these last few years.  Only time will tell I suppose.

The sad thing is that in our final year in Japan, I was starting to put together some sort of life again.  Finding friends with mutual interests, having the occasional social gathering, and just doing things that I enjoyed on a semi-regular basis was starting to get me feeling like my old self again.  I think I was beginning to break out of my funk, and was more loving, attentive, and just generally a better guy than I had been the previous couple of years.  Then of course, the year ended, and all that I had built had to be left behind.  And thus we embarked on our journey to Hungary, where we would try to make a go of it there.

I'm not going to lie and say I had a good time.  If nothing else, I think it was worse than my time in Japan.  Whereas I felt isolated in Japan by our circumstances, I felt like a complete outsider in Hungary.  In Japan, I could at least blend in and not get a second look from people.  The only odd looks I would get were from people who found it strange that an able-bodied male was walking around with a baby girl strapped to him in the middle of the day instead of being at work.  However, it was more of a curiosity than looks of disdain.  Never in my life have I felt more alienated than I did while I was staying in Hungary.  The worst of it was when I was just out at the park with my daughter, and I had two separate parents pull their kids away just because they were playing too close to us.  I don't exactly know what the reason was, as I didn't understand what they were saying, but the looks on the parents' faces made me feel like I had two heads, or was wearing a sign that said "PEDOPHILE MURDERER" written in blood across my face.  I won't say that was representative of my time in Hungary as a whole.  For the most part, the people are rather benign.  However, they don't know how to handle non-white foreigners, so it just felt like I was on display for the most part as an oddity or some for of an attraction.  By the end of my time there, I had finally just decided to say screw it and dyed my hair blue (although it turned out more green) and assume people were looking at me funny for that, as opposed to for just being born a different ethnicity.  To be clear, the actual reason for dying my hair was to celebrate the birth of my son, but I probably wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel like I stuck out so much anyway.  It was both frustrating and freeing at the same time.  It also didn't help that I just couldn't seem to find work, no matter how many resumes I sent out, or leads I would follow.  I would seemingly be on a decent path, with the right qualifications, just for it to suddenly fall apart and find myself back at square one.

So now I'm heading back to NYC.  I go back feeling as though I've been a complete failure at providing for my family.  I go back with a near 4 year gap in my work history.  I go back not knowing how well I'm going to adapt to living in a city that has moved on without me, and where I'm not even 100% sure I fit in anymore.  When I express these concerns to my friends, I generally get one of two responses, on the extreme opposite ends.  The majority of it has been "Everything will be fine. I'm sure you'll find something soon, and you'll settle back into your life here.  Once you find that job, you'll be able to bring your family back and live a happy life here."  (Did I mention I'm going back by myself, because without a job, my kids have no healthcare?  My wife and kids are staying behind until I find work, so there's the added stress of that to contend with.)  The other response, which is far less frequent, but which plays in my mind much more, is "Man, life is expensive in NY.  You sure you want to come back here?  Have you thought about looking elsewhere?  Is it really the best place to raise a family?"

The first response I'm not comfortable with because I'm a realist.  I don't KNOW that everything will be fine just because people say it almost reflexively, and without any real care for that four year gap in my work history, which has been a real problem for me to find work, at least overseas.  The other response just plays to my paranoia, and makes me more worried about the decision to come back.  Neither one really helps.  I know why those two responses are given, as people want to reassure me, or help me realize that things may be tougher than I imagine, but they both play to the bad parts of my psyche.  I'm grateful that people care as much as they do, but sometimes it's hard to deal with things when I feel like there are expectations placed on me and what kind of success I'll find just because I'm coming back to NY. 

All that being said, I am glad for one big thing about coming back.  To be near my friends and family again will have a hugely positive influence on me.  I'm hoping being in my old stomping grounds will have me feeling like myself again.  The last few times I've been back, I've wavered between enjoying my time, and not feeling comfortable because things were so much harsher than I remembered.  Some of it was because of comparison to the life I was leading out of the country.  I just hope that this being my full return, I'll be able to settle in and be myself again, for the first time in a long while.  I'm hoping that the funk I've been in has been due to the circumstances, and not because that's just who I've become.  I haven't been the best husband and father the last few years, and I constantly beat myself up for it, which only leads to a deeper depression.  It's a vicious cycle, and I hope by returning to comfortable ground, I can break out of it.  Hopefully, that other saying that people tend to go by is wrong as well.  Maybe I can come home again.  We'll see.