By now, everyone has heard about the death of Robin Williams. They’ve likely also heard about the details of his death, whereby he committed suicide by hanging himself, after what appears to be a failed attempt by cutting his wrists. There has not yet been a report stating whether or not he had drugs or alcohol in his system, but he was known to have a substance abuse problem. However, even if those weren’t the final catalyst to his actions, it was also reported that he had been suffering severe depression in recent months because he felt he couldn’t provide for his family.
I’m sure like many people, when I heard those words, I scratched my head initially. How could an amazing talent like Robin Williams, a box office draw who always seemed to be working, ever have to worry about money? It was even stranger when I found out that he had also already set up a trust fund for his kids that would have them set for the rest of their lives. It was originally very hard to imagine what his worries could be that he would feel driven to kill himself.
Then it hit me. Or at least, a theory hit me. I can’t presume to know what was going on inside his head when he made the decision to end his life. However, there was an article on Cracked.com recently that helped to shed some light on the situation. You can find it here. It’s a solid piece on why people who you might think are very funny and generally the life of the party, and always seem to have a smile on their face, would ever decide to end their own life. But we see this type of thing happen to all types of celebrities, not just comedians, and also many of them are successful. You can also find examples of this in your day to day life. I think we’ve all heard of someone who, for no explicable reason, decided to commit suicide. So it got me to thinking…
A lot of people who have been considered incredibly talented and successful, yet still killed themselves, always seemed to be uncomfortable being described as “geniuses”, “amazing”, “phenomenal”, or any number of superlatives. They would usually laugh it off, or make some self-deprecating remark about how they’re just having fun doing what they love, and they don’t see anything special about themselves. A lot of people would see that as being humble. However, to anyone who has ever suffered from depression, there’s another reason for trying to deflect anything good being said about them.
Quite simply, they don’t, or rather can’t, see themselves that way. From personal experience, I can tell you that when you’re locked in the throes of depression, you can see nothing good about yourself. Every positive thing that someone says is either taken as not being sincere, or as added pressure to live up to a standard that, to your own mind, you can’t possibly live up to. In fact, that pressure can feel so strong, that weight so heavy, that no matter how great the success you’ve had before, you can only see failure for yourself in the future, because you feel as though you are worthless and incapable of anything good.
That’s why a man like Robin Williams, an Academy Award winner, a millionaire many times over, beloved actor of millions, could ever feel like he wouldn’t be able to take care of his family, nevermind that they were already taken care of. The depression had gotten so deep into him, that he could only see a bleak future, where he would be forced to toil away at jobs that would bring no satisfaction, no joy to anyone. I believe he saw them purely as cash grabs, with no opportunity for art or passion. It was known that he was not a fan of doing sequels, because he believed that there should be new stories to tell, not rehashing of stale plots, even if those movies would bring joy to many. I doubt he ever thought sequels had any redeeming qualities, and he didn’t want to cheapen his integrity by making films that he felt weren’t good enough for anyone. It would seem as though he had a very high level of perfectionalism that could have contributed greatly to his self-loathing.
I know for myself, hearing things like “You’re amazing”, or “You’re wonderful”, or really anything that could be considered a compliment just feels like added pressure to live up to those expectations. I have always tried to be a good person, but I don’t know if I could ever truly be “amazing”. I would rather hear a simple “Thank you for your efforts” and move on from there, because there’s no implication of expectation that I have to live up to anything special. I’m perfectly fine with doing things as they are needed, and trying my best, without such accolades. I know this isn’t true of everyone, but then again, not everyone suffers from bouts of depression. It’s difficult to really see the world and how great it can be when everything feels like a dull gray.
I think in Robin’s case, he had been so successful, for so long, and had been battling depression for so long (as evidenced by his substance abuse problems) that he hit that point where the expectations of him being that same, funny, loveable, incredible man, had finally crushed him. When you feel as though you’re expected to succeed, and all you feel is that you are nothing or going to be nothing but a giant failure, it is no surprise that you might feel like giving up.
Whatever he was feeling, I really hope he knew somewhere deep down that he truly was one of a kind, and that he has left an indelible mark on a few generations of fans, as well as anyone who ever had the privilege of working with, or even just meeting him. I also hope that anyone else who might be going through something similar to him realizes that those positive things that people say about them are not some kind of cruel joke, or meant as added pressure, but rather a showing of appreciation for the good that they bring into other’s lives. I know for myself, it’s like trying to pull a shark’s teeth out with a salami, but I’m working hard to remind myself that maybe, just maybe, I actually deserve some of that praise that comes my way.
