When I began this blog, I named it “Questionable Wisdom” as a bit of conceit, because I had been told numerous times “You’re wise for your age.” There was this idea in my head that I had something intelligent to say, and what I had to say might have a chance at helping others. However, I still put it as questionable, mainly because I wasn’t so conceited as to believe I was actually wise, so I added a bit of self-deprecation in order to smooth off the ego a bit.
As I’ve continued writing here (albeit intermittently) it’s become less about any sort of observations that I’ve made about the world, and more about personal insight. The majority of it seems to be griping, but there have been layers of trying to dive deeper into my own psyche to understand all of the issues in my head. Much of it deals with the depression I’ve been fighting with over the course of my life. I look back at my life, and some of my old photos, and I don’t think I could ever categorize myself as a happy go lucky person. The phrase I’ve heard more than any other is “Are you okay?” I’ve always had sort of a dour look on my face when I’m not really focusing on anything, and that has led to a fair share of people worrying that something might be wrong. I always just used to automatically shrug it off, because I felt more or less fine, but lately, something has been festering in me that makes me wonder if something isn’t wrong.
I’ve been thinking about it (more agonizing over it really) as to what the problem might be. I look at my life, and I’m actually pretty fortunate. I seem to have a lot going for me. I have an amazing wife and daughter, great family and friends, I’ve never had a particularly hard life outside of whatever hardships I create for myself, and in general, I’m surrounded by good people. However, it all seems to come down to this feeling that I have that I don’t really deserve any of it. I don’t think I’ve done anything to deserve the life I live, except maybe stumble into some lucky circumstances. There are people who are better than me by leaps and bounds who aren’t as fortunate, and I always think they deserve it more than I do.
Much of this is likely tied to my self-esteem issues. I don’t think highly of myself in the least, and it’s always been that way. I tend to set up high expectations for myself, and continually fail to meet any of them, so there’s always some major disappointment for myself. This has led me to set lower standards for myself, but somehow, I still manage to completely miss the goal, and therefore continue to feel more and more useless. Mind you, these are more overarching goals, not little day to day things, although admittedly, I’ve been failing at those too lately, which is probably due to my depression. I just don’t feel like doing anything aside from sitting there and wallowing in my own self-pity.
The only thing that seems to keep me going, at least lately, is my sense of duty. I have to make sure my daughter is healthy. I absolutely cannot allow my own flaws and faults trickle down and affect my daughter negatively. She is a helpless, defenseless little thing, and I would be doing a great disservice to her by not doing everything I could, even if I don’t think that I can, in order to make sure she has her best chance at a happy life. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to her under my watch. I already feel like I failed myself long ago, I can’t afford to fail her as well.
However, this all drains me on a regular basis. Having to pull myself out of bed every day, and prepare meals, and clean up after her, and try to keep her entertained during the day requires a lot of effort and energy, neither of which I have in abundance. By the end of the day, when my wife comes home, I just want to curl up into a ball, and be left alone. However, there are still things to be done, and I have to help because it’s only fair, since my wife is the one who works and provides us with the capacity to live. So most nights, I end up staying up late, way later than I should, just so I have some time to myself, and just sort of sit and be miserable for a while. Somehow, it’s therapeutic, even if it doesn’t sound like it.
I’ve been more consistently angry at myself lately because I don’t think I’m being the type of father that my daughter really needs right now. She deserves someone who’s happy, and enjoys life so that he can show her how, but she’s got me, this depressive, damn near immobile father who acts like he’s moving heaven and earth to get her some lunch. I feel like I should enjoy watching my daughter, and there are times I do, especially when I can get her to laugh, but most times, it just feels like so much work, more work than I’m willing to do. But, I still do it, because I know how important it is, and whatever effort I can muster is better than nothing at all. Maybe not by much, but at least it’s something, right?
Back to my point earlier though about not feeling like I deserve the life I have. It mainly comes from the idea that I don’t think I’m doing anything special to deserve all of these good people in my life. Hell, even here, in Japan, where I barely know anyone, I’ve been fortunate enough to meet these people who are absolutely amazing with children, who I can go to for advise, and who are willing to help and have gone out of their way to do so. What are the odds of finding these type of people right when my wife gets pregnant, and I feel like I’m at a total loss? I’m just lucky my wife has been able to befriend them, and they’re nice enough people to put up with me.
However, I digress again. I feel like I’m doing what is necessary, nothing special, or above and beyond the norm. I’m doing the things that should be expected out of anyone in my position, because these things are necessary. I’ve always been surprised by how people react when they find out I do some particular thing that I don’t think deserves any praise because it’s something I’m supposed to do. Like watching my daughter, since my wife works. Well, who else is supposed to watch my child? I don’t work, so the least I could do is take care of my daughter. What’s so special about that? Some people seem so amazed and flabbergasted by it, and I just stand there scratching my head, wondering why the surprise.
And don’t give me the , “Well, not everyone does what they’re supposed to do,” spiel, because I don’t want to be compared to people who are bad at being decent people. That doesn’t make me feel better about myself, it just makes me angry that those type of people exist. I just don’t think I’m really exceptional in any way, and that the people in my life and the life I lead belong to someone else, someone who’s more deserving.
I think I’ve beaten that horse to death by now. You get the idea. Anyway, that’s the general feeling that has been plaguing me for some time now. I’m not sure if it’s a situation where I don’t actually deserve my life which is causing me turmoil, or whether it’s just a quirk in my personality that doesn’t allow me to see or care about what I have done to deserve it, or some other alternative that just makes me more depressed thinking about it.
At any rate, I think this is one of the main reasons that keep me from feeling any sort of lasting happiness. It’s obviously something I have to work on, and I’m trying, but there are days I just feel defeated by myself, and I’d rather just give up. Like I said, I couldn’t, because my daughter needs me, and if I’m honest with myself, I’m far too much of a coward to just give up. The hard part will be trying to not let these feelings filter down to my daughter, lest I poison her with my depression. I would never want her to go through what I have, because it’s been a hard thing to deal with, and a sweet child like her really shouldn’t have to deal with such things.
I of course plan to keep trying to improve myself in some ways so that I feel less trapped by these feelings, but no guarantee that anything I try will help. In the meantime, I can and will continue to do what I must for the life that I’m leading right now. I just hope it’s good enough, or at least that I’m lucky enough that it will go well…
