As always when nighttime hits, no matter what part of the world I’m in, my brain starts to churn, so I guess it’s once again time to spew my thoughts out so I can attempt to get some sleep…
I have been in Japan for over 3 months now, and I am finding it very hard to adjust. I’ve gotten into the habit of spending all of my available time (time not spent with my wife or doing house chores) with my friends back in the States. From the moment I wake up and help my wife exit the door to get to work, until the moment she comes back, I sit in front of my laptop and my PS3, and spend the entire time on Skype playing DC Universe Online with one of my closest friends. I have become a worst type of stereotypical gamer geek.
Routinely, I spend near 8 hours or more a day playing this game, and I find that this is the most enjoyable thing that I have to do all day. Bullshitting with my friends, having the feeling of no responsibility, and just vegging out has become my life now. The amazing thing is that my wife allows all of this, and most times without any complaint. I’m either very lucky to have such an understanding wife, or I’m just so pathetic, no one really gives a crap about what I do anymore.
Internally, I am bothered by my behavior. The motivation to get off my ass and do something productive with my time is gnawing at me in the back of my head. However, I find it virtually impossible to heed this call, and instead, I just slump back onto the sofa, banging away on the PS3 controller, and stay within that rather limited comfort zone. I find myself making excuses to myself about when I’ll actually get to the point where I’ll start actually doing something. “One more quest” or “just a few more minutes” has become my mantra. What the hell is happening to me?
It’s been said that a person will cleave to an MMO (Massively Multiplayer Online) game because it offers a false sense of accomplishment when the person feels that they aren’t doing anything of substance with their actual life. I believe that description is apropos when it comes to me. I feel absolutely worthless now, and I don’t know how to get out of that rut. I know intellectually what I have to do (begin studying Japanese, involve myself more with the community in some way, bear down and really start training on my guitar, some form of physical activity to maintain or improve my fitness level) but I’m in a place mentally where I start things in fits and starts, and ultimately flame out before I even begin.
This got me to thinking… am I turning into my father? Yeah, I know that’s a random thought to have, but stick with me here for a moment. My father was in a similar situation. He ended up moving to a country he never really wanted to go to, and he did it for the sake of his family. However, the entire time he was there, he complained about it, and longed for the day that he would return to his home country. He never bothered to learn the language, he never really made any friends, and he never took advantage of the opportunities that lay before him. This had always bothered me about him, and here I am doing basically the exact same thing. The problem is that while I am aware of the parallels, how does one go about actively breaking the cycle?
It’s one thing to say “You do it by doing it.” It’s another thing entirely to actually do it. Lame excuses are easy to come up with, and easier to stick to, since the only person you have to convince is yourself. Everyone around you can see how lame you’re being, but most will be too nice to tell you. Those that do tell you will trigger a defensive response, and you end up alienating everyone around you, especially the ones who care enough about you to not let things just lie.
So what to do? The answers are right in front of my face, but how do I go about doing it? How do you motivate yourself to do something when you’re too stubborn to take your own advice, least of all someone else’s? Every day, I feel worse about myself, thinking how pathetic I’ve become, how sad of an existence I am leading right now. Do I have to hit rock bottom before I pick myself up and begin that climb back to a better path? Or is this just some downward spiral that ends with me miserable and alone because I’m too thick-headed to make the changes I need to in order to make a better life?
No one else is in control of this except for me, and that’s what makes it hard. I am stuck with my own faults and flaws, and it’s up to me to drag myself out of this hole I’ve dug for myself. All the encouragement, support, reinforcement (positive or negative) mean nothing when the subject is too wrapped up in his own head to accept it and move on. People have gotten tired of hearing it, they’ve gotten tired of reading it, and honestly, I’m tired of saying it. I just have to get tired of not doing anything about it… and for my own sake, and the sake of the people who care about me, that had better be soon.
I won’t make false promises and say “I will now turn over a new leaf” and proceed to jump out there and immediately start changing my situation for the better. I would be setting myself up for failure and disappointment. All I’m really doing is acknowledging it right now… and self-help crap aside, it’s something that needs to be done before I can take that step. Maybe if I just keep tabs on myself, and update my progress regularly enough, I can see for myself how far I’ve come… it’s something worth trying at any rate. Posting a blog up every day though will be annoying. Maybe twitter…
