The (not so) Amazing Spider-Man

Breaking format once again because I have just recently seen the latest Spider-Man movie, and despite everyone seeming to have loved it, I find myself hating it to no end.  I’m beginning to think I’ve seen a different movie than everyone else, so I’ll just go on a point by point breakdown as to why this movie has absolutely rubbed me the wrong way.  This contains major spoilers, so if you haven’t seen it yet, don’t read further than this, unless you’re the type to not care.  If you either don’t care or have seen it, read on.

Some of these issues might seem nitpicky, but it’s everything as a whole that gets to me, so please wait until the end to bash me.

The first issue I had with the movie is that Uncle Ben and Aunt May are pretty much useless.  They never really establish what kind of relationship Peter has had with them, thereby nullifying any sort of reason for him to have as deep a motivation to BE Spider-Man as he has in either the comics or even the previous set of movies.  Aunt May is a pointless background character at best, who first is a helpless woman who needs to be sheltered (picked up from a train station in NYC when you live in Queens? Really?) who basically gets shouted down by Uncle Ben when she tries to defend herself, then an ineffectual harpie after Uncle Ben is killed.  Even at the end, she’s pointless and contradictory, because after Peter comes home from the beatdown he takes at the hands of the Lizard, covered in cuts and bruises and with a gunshot wound to the leg, she suddenly decides to just hug him instead of wonder why he’s coming home so completely beat up, as if buying her the eggs he was supposed to get earlier suddenly clears up any questions.  They had an incredibly ordinary, and boring relationship, and not something that would have inspired anyone to be a hero.  It would have been simple enough to do.  Instead of having Uncle Ben either yelling at him, or lecturing him over the phone, they just had to have some moments where Uncle Ben was caring and understanding, instead of frustrated at Peter’s typical teenage angst.  It would have shown how different they were as his caretaker, instead of a perfectly ordinary family unit.  They did this really well in the Ultimate Spider-Man series, which this movie had quite a few elements from. 

The next problem is with Peter.  Just Peter as a whole.  I never felt they established what kind of genius he was.  They failed at this in the first movie too, because they gave him organic web shooters, but with all the hype of him having mechanical ones in this movie, I thought they would finally give him the chance to show off his brains.  This was never really the case.  They showed him to have some mechanical engineering abilities, shown at only one point in the movie with that stupid push button wireless bedroom door bolt that just shows more that he’s lazy than intelligent.  From that we’re supposed to extrapolate that he’s smart enough to build a miniaturized extrusion device for a previously unseen and untested material? Speaking of that unseen and untested material, he didn’t make it.  He orders it. FROM OSCORP!  Does no one else see the problem here?  He’s completely reliant on his future nemesis (not that he knows this of course) on one of his most important tools as Spider-Man.  Also, as it is called Biocable, this stuff is never meant to dissolve.  Which means that he’s leaving his webbing just about everywhere.  Considering this material is developed and sold only be one company (I won’t get into how Peter was even able to get his hands on the stuff, considering all prototype material is either never for sale or is prohibitively expensive) it will be easily traceable.  This will lead to the discovery of his identity by anyone willing to put in the time to look which is likely half of NY.  Speaking of his identity…

Anyone else noticed he was whipping his mask off every few minutes?  Once to save that kid, and a few times just to see better.  Whatever happened to trying to keep his secret identity?  This was central to Peter’s character in order to protect his loved ones.  He goes around whipping off his mask and putting his freaking name on a camera that he was using to take pictures of his fight with Lizard… and we’re supposed to believe he’s smart? 

Not to mention the reveal of his identity to Gwen for no reason then to get some tail.  He struggles briefly with telling this girl he’s never even been on a date with his biggest secret, then webs her butt and basically sexually assaults her.  Don’t believe me?  Look at her face after she gets webbed, and watch how she pulls away when he tries to kiss her the first time.  He follows that up by saying “Shut up” and forces his mouth on her.  If you say “but she wanted it” then congratulations… you’ve just uttered the line of every rapist on Earth.  Ask yourself, if some dude who has been shown was able to pick up cars and dodge bullets forced himself on you, would you be able to refuse?  And this wasn’t the only time.  When he sneaks into her room after his fight with Lizard in the sewers, after surviving a fight to the death with a giant reptilian monster, his only desire is to make out with this girl.  Again she pulls away, and again he pushes himself on her.  This is not Peter Parker, this is a stupid horny teenager with powers.

That’s generally the problem I have with him.  In the comics, Peter has always been shown to have this incredible sense of morality and responsibility.  He would struggle with the desire to be a normal teenager and this need to be a hero, but his responsibility would always win out.  However, in this movie, he always takes the selfish way.  He reveals his identity to this girl he likes, he only chases criminals that match the description of the guy who murdered his uncle (not to mention he never actually captures him) and he basically says he’s going to break the promise he made to a dying man because he would rather just be with the girl he loves, not caring about the amount of danger he’s going to put her in.  People complained about the lack of humor in the first movie, and that Tobey Maguire always played Peter like he was about to cry.  While Spider-Man’s sense of humor has improved a bit in this movie, they completely missed who Peter Parker is.  They went too far in the opposite direction, making him stay in his Spider-Man persona the entire time.  The appeal of Spider-Man to me has always been that while he’s funny, he always took his responsibilities seriously, to the point of detriment.  

Some other minor nitpicky things that just put me over the edge is that Peter’s physique never changed from before he go bit to after.  He was always portrayed as a 98 lb weakling before the bite, then he gained some acrobatic like muscles.  Again, this was portrayed very well in Ultimate Spider-Man.  In the movie, no visual difference, except he wears a t-shirt at the end of the movie to show off his muscles.  Also, while the action scenes were good, the movie seemed to render his spider-sense completely useless.  The only time it ever seemed to come in handy was when he was in school to prevent being bullied.  The Lizard snuck up on him in the sewer, he got tazed when he turned the corner and the helicopter took him by surprise, and he took a bullet wound from a single cop shooting at him with a handgun.  I can maybe forgive the tazer incident because he was preoccupied by being shot at from 100 directions, but the other incidents basically said he doesn’t have a functioning spider-sense.  Also, the costume was horrible.  I hate how they keep changing iconic costumes.  They showed with the first set of movies that the costume works on screen.  Their reason for changing it, ostensibly to make it look like he actually made it, but in that regard, they failed.  There is no way in hell a high school teenager could have made that outfit.  They had one scene with him sewing together the mask, and he didn’t even have proper sewing technique.  Finally, never in the entire movie was the most important phrase ever uttered.  They sort of talked around it, with the whole “moral responsibility” lecture Uncle Ben gave Peter before he died, but we never heard “With great power, comes great responsibility.”  Not a major issue, but it just felt wrong without that line.

All in all, the movie was a disappointment to me.  There were too many glaring problems that I couldn’t ignore.  It’s a fun action movie, the fight scenes are nice, and there are some genuinely funny moments… but it wasn’t Spider-Man.  Not really.  It will do well because it will appeal to all the casual fans, but to me, it will never be right.  This sits up there with Ang Lee’s Hulk as a failed attempt at an iconic hero because they focused on the wrong aspect.

Coping out

Yeah, my first blog here in ages, and it’s a pun.  What else do you expect?

Anyway, I’ve been spending most of my blogging time over on my other site, Taking Care of Tiny Tien.  It’s been my primary focus since becoming a parent.  However, since not everything I think of lately has to do with being a dad, I thought I’d come here and deal with the non-daddy things.

This time, it has to do with how do you cope with your negative feelings?  I don’t know about you, but I go through bouts of depression.  It’s not clinically diagnosed or anything, though I’ve been checked.  It’s just being down about things.  Mainly, it’s about feeling lonely, and apart from everything.  Now you may ask “But… aren’t you married… and have a kid?  Why would you feel lonely?” 

I think that’s a common misconception about feelings of loneliness.  Just because you have people around you, even loved ones, it doesn’t mean you always feel like you aren’t alone.  The primary example I’ve been experiencing, and really the reason I’m writing this entry, is that you just feel that you don’t have someone to talk to about the issues you’re going through.  “What about your wife?” you may ask.  Well, how do you talk to someone about a problem you’re having if they are potentially part of the problem?

Here’s the thing.  For quite some time now (I was about to say the majority of my life, but when I thought about it, it really wasn’t true) I’ve tried to talk out my feelings and any thoughts I might have.  I felt it was healthy, because I’ve been through the alternative.  Where you feel that you have to bottle everything up inside, and just suck it up and move on.  When I was back in the States, getting every out wasn’t too hard, because I had quite a few friends I could talk to about things like this.  Whether it was just some nagging thought in the back of my mind, some complaint I had about something in particular, or some random idea that I felt I needed to expand on, I felt that the people in my life were varied enough that I could always find someone to speak to about it.

Now that I’m no longer in the US, I’ve more or less been cut off from my friends.  Gone are the days where I would have a conversation into the wee hours of the morning, just letting my mind free associate.  Lost are the times where jokes would be flying back and forth among a few of us who gathered together just for that purpose.  Now, I am a stay at home dad who only really has his daughter to talk at.  Yes, talk at, not talk to, since she hasn’t mastered that little thing called language yet. 

Also, to be honest, the conversation with my wife has been a bit… problematic lately, as I feel as though there are a lot of things I can’t express to her without upsetting her.  I still try to bring up issues that need to be worked out with her, so that our marriage is at least strong, but it’s getting harder, because there is no outlet for the times where I feel I need to talk to an outside party about things that may pertain to our relationship.  Lately, it just feels like my wife and I aren’t really friends anymore.  Some of it, I’m sure, has to do with the strain of taking care of a new child, but there are other elements at play here that I don’t think I can properly address without having someone to bounce ideas off of. 

There is a community of people here that I do associate/socialize with, but I’m not sure if I can really call them friends… at least not in the sense of how it felt when I was around my friends at home.  With friends that you’ve had for a long time, you build up a catalog of personality quirks that you can only really share with each other.  It requires a lot of shared experience, good times and bad, and just generally being around each other for a long enough time where you learn these things about each other.  That’s why a lot of people have close friends that really come from an earlier stage in their life, because it’s hard to make new friends after a certain point.  It’s not impossible, but it is hard. 

That being said, there are things that you just don’t feel comfortable telling newer people in your life, because they don’t quite fall into that comfort zone.  Since that is currently the situation I’m in, I honestly feel as though I just can’t tell people what I need to say in order to clear my mind and function normally again.  I feel myself falling back into old patterns that I thought long lost, where I just grit my teeth and bear it because I don’t want to disturb the peace.  I had built up such a good system to cope when I was home, and now, it’s gone.  Sure, I could contact my friends through all the social media sites, and things like that, but there’s something lacking when there isn’t a face-to-face conversation.  I feel as though I’m suddenly that awkward teenager again from high school who doesn’t know where he fits in or how he fits in. 

Basically, what I’m saying is that I’m holding in a lot of stuff, and the pressure is starting to build.  I vent from time to time, but it’s always directed at the wrong people, or person I should say, and normally in the wrong way.  I’ve lost the ability to be clear with my words because I don’t have any practice anymore with saying things the way I need them to be said.  Having friends around with whom I can clarify my thoughts beforehand helps a lot, and not having them has caused me to lose my voice in a way.  I have to come up with a whole new way to cope that isn’t full of self-destructive behavior, because right now, that’s what I’m knee deep in.  I’ve come to loathe myself in recent weeks, because I just feel like an idiot who doesn’t know what to say.  In order to move on with my life, I’m going to have to figure something new out… but where to start?  I guess that’ll be my new job…

Addictions are bad, Mm’kay?

For those who know me, you know that I have a bit of an obsessive personality.  When I get involved in something, I tend to dive into it head first, and keep my head buried there until I’ve learned everything I could, or get sick of it.  My current subject of obsession is the MMO game DCUO.  For the uninitiated, that means Massively Multiplayer Online game, DC Universe Online. 

I have been playing this game since early to mid April of 2011, and have been on it pretty nonstop over that time period.  The only time I’ve taken off from the game is when I’ve been away from the house for trips that went multiple days, or when my wife has forcibly dragged me away from it in order to do something else that isn’t related to it.  It’s gotten to the point where I feel antsy when I don’t get on the game, because I feel like I’m missing something.  Just from that sentence alone, you can tell I’m addicted. 

Over the time that I’ve played this game,  I’ve gotten to know a few new people(about as well as you can know people that you meet on an online game) and gotten deeper into the world.  This mostly came about from forming our own league, and my desire to want to actually get to know these people, instead of just mindlessly playing a game.  I actually look forward to interacting with these people on a regular basis.  However, being one of the founders of the league, I’ve taken it upon myself to be responsible for the well being of the characters that have joined the league.  This mainly includes making sure people are keeping in touch with each other, helping each other get stronger in game, and keeping up on strategies when it comes to in-game content.  The problem with this is that I tend to get a bit tense when someone in the group isn’t playing up to my standards, which has lead to some spectacular (or pathetic) blow-ups on my part. 

Sadly, the target of these blow-ups has primarily been one of my best friends from my real life.  In fact, this is the guy who got me into the game in the first place.  Without him, I wouldn’t be playing it, so I don’t know if I should be thanking him or strangling him.  Anyway, the main issue is that I feel bad about getting upset at him enough to yell at him, because it means that the game is taking precedent over the friendship, and that shouldn’t be the case.  However, I’m a perfectionist about things like this, and when things don’t go smoothly, despite having everything explained beforehand, the desire to target the source of the “problem” takes over, and common courtesy goes out the window.

This is generally believed about people who play MMOs; they lack social graces.  This being my first MMO, I never understood why people believed that.  After having been on it for some time, I understand completely.  People who lose themselves in these games (myself being an example) are looking for some sort of success that they might not be able to attain in real life.  Anything getting in the way of that success is an obstacle that must be eliminated.  When you’re trying to beat a raid, and someone on the team isn’t doing their part up to your standards, then they become an obstacle, and you feel the need to do something about it, as they are standing in the way of your success. 

It’s easy to forget there’s a person on the other side with real feelings and emotions, since you don’t see them, so it’s natural to just stomp on them in order to get what you want.  Most times, it’s someone you don’t know, so a lot of times, you can just never deal with that person again.  However, when that other person is a friend, there needs to be some perspective on how you treat that person.  It’s really easy to lose sight of that when you’re trying to do something, and things go wrong.  It’s never right to yell at someone, but having been in this game, and dealing with people on a non-face-to-face level, it’s really easy to just say “screw it” and be a big ass. 

There is a definite need to rein it in.  Being addicted to this game as bad as I’ve been, there is definite need of some middle ground.  If I can’t play it without being an ass, then that means I’m not being a good person, and if this game is making me worse, then I need to stop.  I like playing it, but I like my friends more. 

Late Night Ramblings 7/12/11

I’m likely to do a few of these, as I don’t have any particular topic in mind when I find myself in one of my sleepless fits, so I figured I’d date them… just for the hell of it.

Random thoughts running through my head at the moment:

A) I wonder how long it would take to build a new Tech discipline villain with acrobatics in DCUO with Lex Luthor as the mentor… I’ve already got every other power, discipline, and weapon type done. That’s the last of it to earn the last trophy.  Kind of pointless really, as I do want to stop playing the game for some time so I can claim my life back.  I don’t know if I’d say I have an addictive personality, more of an obsessive one.  I feel like I’m wasting money if I have the subscription and don’t use it, so somehow, everything else gets put on the back burner… although now that Kat is into the game, I don’t feel so bad, since I can do stuff, and she can use it.  Although this might cause some problems when the subscription ends, and don’t want to renew it for a bit...

B) I know why bugs fly into houses and pester people.  We’re an easy source of food, whether it’s the garbage we throw out, the food we leave sitting out, or hell, our own bodies that provide them nourishment.  What I don’t get though is why after all the generations that have existed for any one species, how they haven’t learned that to be seen by humans is death.  They just fly around out in the open, annoying people to the point that they must be squished.  I guess when you can reproduce at the pace at which most bugs and insects can, it doesn’t really matter to have survival instincts.  Of course, I’m speaking more of country bugs.  Everyone who has lived in big cities has seen a swarm of roaches run for cover when the lights go on at least once in their lives.  Maybe not in your own home, but maybe a friend.  On a related note… I think I’ve killed about 20 of them since I started typing this.  They just keep hopping around the desk lamp…  I think they’re trying to play chicken…

C) It’s now mid-July, and I have still not been able to really enjoy any air conditioning.  Why, you may ask?  Because I’m pretty sure the damn thing is busted.  Whenever I turn it on, it’s lukewarm air, no matter what setting it’s on.  This normally wouldn’t be a problem, because normally, it could just be replaced, but 1) it’s not a window unit, and 2) even if we could just replace it ourselves, we’re not allowed to because it’s funded by the Japanese government, so we have to wait while they send someone over, and speed is not their forte.  Guess I’ll have to tough this summer out with my fan.

D) I miss my mom’s fried rice.  There’s not much else to say about this topic.

E) I’m beginning to notice that my back only hurts whenever someone tells me to fix my posture.  Prior to that, I feel fine, but I guess I just look horrible hunched over the way I normally do.  I admit, when I look in a mirror, I do look a bit unpleasant without having a straight back, but I don’t feel any pain or anything.  I only feel it when I try to conform to normal posture, and either I’m overcompensating, or my back is that misshapen.  Either way, it’s always a difficult adjustment period.  Sadly, I seem to always fall back into my “normal” posture, which sets people off again. 

F) I’ve basically come to the end of this rant, and I always find it oddly relieving to just spill everything onto this blog.  No matter how wired I am when I’m up, can’t sleep, and writing this, as soon as all the thoughts in my head are exhausted, then I get tired enough to actually fall asleep.  Guess it really is just my brain being overactive.  I used to think it was just being over-caffeinated, but I guess not.  Anyway… night all. (And for those of you wondering why I’m saying night… please remember the time difference. )

Fourth Month

I have officially hit my fourth month here in Japan.  It’s a strange feeling to realize that you’ve been in another country for a third of a year.  It honestly hasn’t felt that long.  It still feels like yesterday that I stepped off the plane and left my old life behind.  Of course, hitting this particular milestone has kept me up tonight (although it might have been any other number of reasons.  Maybe the headache medication I took earlier.)  I might as well take this time to muse on a few things going through my mind.

Since coming here, I’ve been searching for some sort of meaning to my existence.  That’s actually not quite as deep as it sounds.  I don’t mean an existential search, the old “Why am I here?” thought that seems to plague so many people.  I honestly don’t believe that everyone has a reason to be on this planet.  I just want to know what I should be doing right now so as to not just take up space and be a drain on resources.  I’d like to be doing something that in some way, shape, or form improves someone else’s life in some way.  I appear to be doing that for my wife, so there is that at the very least, but it’s never a good idea to exist purely for your significant other.  That’s a path straight to misery and depression, because if something happens, and they’re not there anymore, what’s left for you?  No, I need something that I know for myself is making life better for people in general.  Unfortunately, the very idea of what that might be is eluding me something fierce.

Another thing that’s been running through my mind since my time here is how badly I miss my “boys”.  This goes beyond simply my male friends. It’s one thing to have friends who you spend time with, but I’m talking about the guys who I have that connection with that goes beyond simply being friends.  The people who seem to be able to read my mind, and finish my thoughts before I’ve even fully formed them.  I have some conversation with them from time to time, but there’s definitely something lacking when you’re not in their physical presence.  There’s also the fact that there are only some jokes you can share with these people, which might be either uncomfortable to tell with people who don’t know you quite as well, or who simply wouldn’t understand why it would be funny to you.  No one likes to explain a joke.  It just kills the mood.

In relation to the issue with missing my boys, since coming here, I find that I spend most of my free time hanging out with girls.  There’s nothing wrong with it, I just find it peculiar that I haven’t made any friends with any of the guys around here yet.  I’m not quite sure what it is, but I definitely have an easier time conversing with the women in the group then the men.  I have nothing in common with the guys here.  Either I’m just that in touch with my feminine side, or I’m that out of touch with my masculine side.  That or I’m just a dirty old man… but I’m not old yet, so I’m thinking that’s off the table.  For now at least.  I hope I don’t ever become that guy… but then again, I worry too much anyway.

I wonder sometimes about my adjustment to this country.  I don’t think I’ll ever fully integrate to Japan, no matter how long I’m here.  I’m actually more concerned about how much I’m going to stick out.  I feel at times that I’m growing more obstinate and more “foreign” the longer I’ve been here, just to fight the homogeneity of the people of this country.  People are really polite around here, and to be honest, it kinda bugs me a bit.  Politeness is all well and good, but there’s also a component of dishonesty that goes hand in hand with that, and I’ve never been comfortable with someone sugar coating something when it needs to be said.  It strikes me as odd when people are willing to suffer in order to maintain a façade of civility.  This only makes me want to act more… straight-forward would probably be the best term, since I’m not really a rude person.  At least, I don’t think I am.  There are definitely times I feel like that since I’ve been here though.  For the first month I was here, I could’ve sworn I was the rudest person in the entire country.  Then I ran into a typical asshole, and felt better about myself.  Felt just like being back in NYC again for a moment.

Seriously though, it has been an interesting time since I’ve been here.  Life has been really different, in some good ways, and in some bad, but that’s a given when making a drastic change in life.  It’s given me more time to think about certain things, and hell, I haven’t felt this rested in a very long time.  I think the dark circles under my eyes are even gone.  I can hardly recognize myself in the mirror anymore without the gaunt look of exhaustion and tired eyes that used to stare back at me from my reflection.  Right now, the current mode of thinking is self-improvement.  I need to take this time given to me to make some positive changes in myself.  Of course, that requires me to stop whining about certain things, which is part of the self-improvement in itself.  Guess we’ll see how that progresses. 

No real words of wisdom today, more just venting out thoughts from my brain that seemed to be trapped with nowhere to go.  Thank goodness for the internet and blogs that no one ever reads.

Spare Some Change?

As always when nighttime hits, no matter what part of the world I’m in, my brain starts to churn, so I guess it’s once again time to spew my thoughts out so I can attempt to get some sleep…

I have been in Japan for over 3 months now, and I am finding it very hard to adjust.  I’ve gotten into the habit of spending all of my available time (time not spent with my wife or doing house chores) with my friends back in the States.  From the moment I wake up and help my wife exit the door to get to work, until the moment she comes back, I sit in front of my laptop and my PS3, and spend the entire time on Skype playing DC Universe Online with one of my closest friends.  I have become a worst type of stereotypical gamer geek. 

Routinely, I spend near 8 hours or more a day playing this game, and I find that this is the most enjoyable thing that I have to do all day.  Bullshitting with my friends, having the feeling of no responsibility, and just vegging out has become my life now.  The amazing thing is that my wife allows all of this, and most times without any complaint.  I’m either very lucky to have such an understanding wife, or I’m just so pathetic, no one really gives a crap about what I do anymore.

Internally, I am bothered by my behavior.  The motivation to get off my ass and do something productive with my time is gnawing at me in the back of my head.  However, I find it virtually impossible to heed this call, and instead, I just slump back onto the sofa, banging away on the PS3 controller, and stay within that rather limited comfort zone.  I find myself making excuses to myself about when I’ll actually get to the point where I’ll start actually doing something.  “One more quest” or “just a few more minutes” has become my mantra.  What the hell is happening to me?

It’s been said that a person will cleave to an MMO (Massively Multiplayer Online) game because it offers a false sense of accomplishment when the person feels that they aren’t doing anything of substance with their actual life.  I believe that description is apropos when it comes to me.  I feel absolutely worthless now, and I don’t know how to get out of that rut.  I know intellectually what I have to do (begin studying Japanese, involve myself more with the community in some way, bear down and really start training on my guitar, some form of physical activity to maintain or improve my fitness level) but I’m in a place mentally where I start things in fits and starts, and ultimately flame out before I even begin. 

This got me to thinking… am I turning into my father?  Yeah, I know that’s a random thought to have, but stick with me here for a moment.  My father was in a similar situation.  He ended up moving to a country he never really wanted to go to, and he did it for the sake of his family.  However, the entire time he was there, he complained about it, and longed for the day that he would return to his home country.  He never bothered to learn the language, he never really made any friends, and he never took advantage of the opportunities that lay before him.  This had always bothered me about him, and here I am doing basically the exact same thing.  The problem is that while I am aware of the parallels, how does one go about actively breaking the cycle?

It’s one thing to say “You do it by doing it.”  It’s another thing entirely to actually do it.  Lame excuses are easy to come up with, and easier to stick to, since the only person you have to convince is yourself.  Everyone around you can see how lame you’re being, but most will be too nice to tell you.  Those that do tell you will trigger a defensive response, and you end up alienating everyone around you, especially the ones who care enough about you to not let things just lie. 

So what to do?  The answers are right in front of my face, but how do I go about doing it?  How do you motivate yourself to do something when you’re too stubborn to take your own advice, least of all someone else’s?  Every day, I feel worse about myself, thinking how pathetic I’ve become, how sad of an existence I am leading right now.  Do I have to hit rock bottom before I pick myself up and begin that climb back to a better path?  Or is this just some downward spiral that ends with me miserable and alone because I’m too thick-headed to make the changes I need to in order to make a better life? 

No one else is in control of this except for me, and that’s what makes it hard.  I am stuck with my own faults and flaws, and it’s up to me to drag myself out of this hole I’ve dug for myself.  All the encouragement, support, reinforcement (positive or negative) mean nothing when the subject is too wrapped up in his own head to accept it and move on.  People have gotten tired of hearing it, they’ve gotten tired of reading it, and honestly, I’m tired of saying it.  I just have to get tired of not doing anything about it… and for my own sake, and the sake of the people who care about me, that had better be soon. 

I won’t make false promises and say “I will now turn over a new leaf” and proceed to jump out there and immediately start changing my situation for the better.  I would be setting myself up for failure and disappointment.  All I’m really doing is acknowledging it right now… and self-help crap aside, it’s something that needs to be done before I can take that step.  Maybe if I just keep tabs on myself, and update my progress regularly enough, I can see for myself how far I’ve come… it’s something worth trying at any rate.  Posting a blog up every day though will be annoying.  Maybe twitter…

A Path Not Taken

You never know where life is going to take you.  I’ve spent the better part of the last 29 years doing what I thought was necessary in order to ensure that my life was one of security and general happiness.  Over the course of the last two and a half months, I’ve discovered that the path I was on may not have lead to anything more than mediocrity, headache, and heartbreak.  Taking the safe road may lead to security, but it also leads to predictability and ultimately, boredom.

I’ve been wrestling with the question of what should I do with my life for a long time now.  For the longest time, I thought that having a job in a field that I was comfortable and talented in would be the best course of action.  Computers was the life for me, and that’s where I would be as my career was growing and molding itself.  After nearly a decade in the field, and I had come to realize my big mistake.  The main problem with going into a job that you have a natural talent for is that it can get far too easy, and in turn lead to no mental stimulation.  So I was getting bored, and it didn’t help that I was working in a field where the job was basically thankless.  When you spend several years languishing in a position where you’re basically just trying to get things back to status quo, you quickly come to realize that your presence is only noticed when something goes wrong.  No one really cares about you unless they want something from you, or at least that’s the impression you get after being treated that way for too long. 

So after trying to advance to a managerial position and getting shot down, I decided the best thing to do was to be with my wife.  After having been separated for nearly 7 months, due to her position as an ALT, it was time to be reunited, since I no longer had any reason to stay in the position that I was in. This meant that I’d have to uproot my entire life and relocate to Japan, where my role in the relationship would drastically shift.  No longer would I be the breadwinner, the main man.  I’d have to instead play a supportive role, which was not something I was used to.  While my wife would be supporting us financially, and giving me the opportunity and ability to leave my job without worrying about how we were going to live, it was something that took a lot for me to accept. At first, I was hesitant to leap into this, as I was unsure as to how I would adapt.  I honestly didn’t know how I’d react to being the person to stay at home and take care of the household, take care of the meals, and basically be comfort for my wife as she returned from a day at work, possibly irritated by the way the day went, or just too tired to interact with me, as I would be pretty isolated out here.

Admittedly, at first it was tough.  The only thing keeping me sane while my wife was away at work for much of the day was Skype and the opportunity to talk to a good friend of mine who simultaneously kept me connected to the world back home, and who eased my assimilation into my new surroundings.  However, he was doing much more than that for me while I was struggling with my new situation.  He was encouraging me to explore new paths in my life, which had started even before I had left the US for my new life.  He was pushing me to step into the more creative side of my personality, to embrace the artistic side of my being.  This was a bit of  a strange leap for someone who had spent the majority of their life being a technical person.  I was good with computers, but what the heck did I know about doing anything artistic? 

This got me to thinking though.  Nearly all of the people in my life (excluding my family) are creative types.  Two of my friends are musicians, another two are photographers, several are writers, and even my wife is a knitter and loves her arts and crafts.  It is commonly said that like attracts like.  If this is true, then was it possible that I had some sort of creative spark in me?  Trying to look at my life from another perspective, there was a possibility.  I was constantly singing to myself, whenever I would be out and about, always trying to fine-tune my voice, and I have always been interested in music.  The guitar and piano have always fascinated me, even though I had never really tried to play them.  The few times I had tried to learn an instrument, it was ultimately squashed due to lack of time or lack of motivation or energy to continue.

I am currently in a perfect position to try to explore my creative side now.  I have loads of free time now, and maybe it’s the right time to travel down a path that I was previously unable and unwilling to journey through.  I have had some encouragement, some from random people telling me that I have a decent voice, but mainly from my friend whom I am in constant contact with, and my wife who is willing to let me see this through, and who is incredibly encouraging when it comes to my forays into things other than working at things that give me headaches.  She honestly wants to see me happy, and I’m lucky to have someone who is willing to put up with my randomness.

So what does this mean?  Well, mainly that I’ll be trying some new things.  I’ve already began posting up some videos on YouTube, displaying what little talent I may have for singing.  The next step is trying to pick up an instrument, preferably the guitar, to broaden my musical horizons.  I have no idea if it will work out, but it will at least be interesting to see where it leads me.  I would never have thought that this is where life would lead me, but I’m willing to see it through to whatever comes next.  Guess I’m ready for that next adventure finally…