Stage Two

I am now officially two weeks away from closing out my life in New York (for the time being) and beginning a completely new one in Japan.  I will basically be starting over from scratch over there.  A new language, a new locale, a new society; really, just a whole lot of new.  The only source of comfort through all of this will be my loving wife.  I have to admit… I’m kinda scared shitless.

After a process that took several months, I finally came to the decision to go to Japan.  While I’m glad to finally have come to a decision, all of the steps that led to the decision were kind of disappointing.  When you learn that you’re basically at the end of the line when it comes to your career, it’s a blow to your ego.  However, with this revelation, I get to have a fresh start, and maybe this time, find something that I’ll actually enjoy, instead of something I’m just good at which doesn’t require any brain work on my part.

That’s really the whole point behind this massive change in my life.  I have to admit, I’ve been pretty unhappy with my professional life for some time now.  While I was briefly reenergized by the possibility of moving up to a management position, I ended up pretty deflated once that fell through.  That was the pin that finally popped the balloon that was my life in the IT field.  I honestly don’t think I’ll go back to it.  Never say never, because you don’t know what kind of situation you’ll be in, but I think I’ll be much happier finding something that will fit with my sensibilities (if not my talents) a little bit better. 

However, with the excitement of starting anew, must also come the dread of leaving the comfortable.  I have had a life in NYC for 29 years now.  I have never lived outside of its borders.  I have visited multiple countries while living here, and I’ve experienced multiple cultures thanks to that, but nothing quite prepares you for leaving the nest, so to speak, and having to reestablish yourself in a place where everything is foreign, and you’re not very confident in your own abilities to adapt.

There is a lot to be done over the next stage of my life.  A new language to learn, a new home to build (in the sense of feeling comfortable, not actually putting together lumber to form a shelter… although that might be fun),  new friends to make, and a new profession to find.  That last one is probably the thing that worries me the most.  I’ve never been able to figure out what I would like to do.  I know what I CAN do, what I’m good at, but I’m not sure I ever really liked it.  I’ve spent so much time being frustrated by the job that I’ve had, that I can’t be sure that my lack of motivation to find something else is due to lack of inspiration, or lack of time to really think about it. 

Fortunately, (and I’m damn lucky to have her) my wife has decided that I shall not have to kill myself looking for work as soon as I land.  She wants me to take some time off to clear my head, think about what I enjoy in life, and see what I can do to pursue that end of things.  It will be a strange place to be, because I’ve been working nearly robotic like for the better part of the last 10 years.  The last 3 years especially, I’ve been working for far too long and far too hard for far too little gain.  It’s time I change that… and this will hopefully be the catalyst to do such a thing.

It’s a huge step, and one I’m not sure I’m really prepared to take.  However, how many people can say they’re really ready for any huge life changes?  Those who are, are people I envy, because I wish I knew how they did it.  Me… I’m just going to wing it and see what happens.  Hopefully, everything will turn out all right. 

Turn off the Dark… PLEASE!

I’ll be breaking protocol for tonight, for a very special reason.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have a nearly unhealthy obsession with Spider-Man.  I pride myself on knowing as much about the character as possible.  I may not be the pre-eminent Spider-Scholar, but I think I could be considered an authority amongst my circle of friends, family, and acquaintances.  On that note, tonight, I attended a preview of the new Spider-Man musical, “Turn Off the Dark.” I felt I had to share my thoughts on this event, as I have a pretty strong opinion on it.

To put it plainly, this thing was a travesty.  There are not enough negative words to describe the damage it has done to my psyche to see Spider-Man portrayed in this way.  Fortunately, I have a strong enough bond with the character to understand that he is left to the whims of the writer.  That being said, whoever wrote this thing needs to be taken out back and shot.

To be fair, there were some bright spots, although it has very little to do with the script.  The actors chosen to play Mary-Jane Watson and Peter Parker, I feel, were well cast.  They both approached their roles with the correct amount of respect.  They had good chemistry together, and they had the right look.  There were some good songs (although only really about 3 or 4) and the special effects were pretty cool.  Seeing Spider-Man swinging around the theater and Green Goblin flying around live is an awesome experience, although you have to really ignore all the obvious wire work.  I know they have to, since you can’t CGI a live performance, but they honestly could have used some more unobtrusive equipment. 

My biggest problem with the show was that the story just seemed really unfocused.  It seemed like they tried to blend backstory from 3 different sources (the Spider-Man movie, the Ultimate Spider-Man comic book, and some stuff from the Amazing Spider-Man series) but forgot what belonged to which part, and it ended up being a complete jumble.  When the whole purpose behind the creation of Spider-Man is presented as sort of a toss-away, you really lose respect for the people who wrote the script.  To understand what I mean, understand that at no point did I hear Uncle Ben utter the words “With great power comes great responsibility.”  Without those words, and without establishing the relationship between Peter and Uncle Ben, there IS no Spider-Man. 

Other bad parts (and there were plenty of them) revolved around the villains that Spidey had to fight.  They turned the Green Goblin into a southern goofball, and the other five Spider-Man villains were just guys in costume that got whacked, with no purpose to them than to be cannon fodder.  I say 5, because the 6th member was some made up… thing… that can only be considered a complete abomination.  You get Lizard, Kraven, Carnage, Electro and Swarm (the last one of which is not a regular enemy, but at least he’s appeared in the comics) and then you have Julie Taymor’s creation, Swiss Miss.  No, not the little Swiss girl that’s on the hot cocoa pouches.  It’s some silver creature that is supposed to be a human equivalent of a swiss army knife.  It looked as bad as it sounds. 

I won’t go into spoilers of the show because 1) I don’t think I could truly describe how bad it is (you almost have to see it for yourself to understand) and 2) because I don’t want to hurt your sensibilities if I were able to describe it.  To give you a hint, there was a segment involving multiple women in spider garb (that is with 8 limbs) singing about shoes… Yeah, my head hurt after that one.

I feel bad about bashing the play, because I’m such a huge Spider-Man fan, but to see the treatment that they gave this show honestly hurt my feelings.  There was a lot of potential there, and I think if treated right, you could definitely have an amazing show, but when you don’t have someone who understands the source material try to write a script, you get a complete mess, and that’s what happened here.  I’ll be surprised if this thing lasts more than a few months, because people will be walking out left and right when they sit down and catch it. 

Crazy Little Thing Called Love…

I was involved in a rather interesting dialog today with an old classmate of mine (thanks to the wonder that is Facebook) about relationships.  Specifically, the concept of the friend zone and why nice guys always seem to end up there, and the bad boys (aka assholes) end up in the boyfriend zone.  After a lengthy discussion, it led me to start thinking about that rather vague descriptor of feeling that we humans call love.  Now, far be it for me to have a decisive answer as to what it is exactly.  After endless poems, songs, stories, plays, movies, books, and countless other forms of media, it seems that we still haven’t come to any sort of agreement on what love really is. 

However, despite not having a concrete answer on what is love, I thought about everything I learned about it up until this point in my life.  If you’ll indulge me a little, I’d like to go through those things, and maybe we can get a little closer to understanding what this crazy little thing called love really is.

- Love can take any form you want it to.  I want to stress that this is the most important thing that I have come to realize about love.  You cannot put a limit on what you think love is.  Just because it does or does not work for you doesn’t mean that you can use that as a blanket for everyone else.  Whether you are an adult who has been through multiple relationships, whether you are a child who feels something weird for that girl or boy that you just met for the first time, whether you are a teenager who can’t stop thinking about that one person in class, if you want to call that feeling love, than that’s what it is.  You can be gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, monogamist, polyamorous, or whatever, no one has the right to tell you “You don’t know what love is,” because I can bet you, neither do they. Everybody experiences it in different ways, and everyone deserves to express it in the way that they feel most appropriate.

- Love is free.  This is the second most important thing that I’ve learned.  Let me clarify, when I say love is free, I don’t mean the “Free Love” that they espoused in the 60s.  That wasn’t love, that was sex.  No, when I say love is free, I mean that there should be no cost or payment attached to love.  Love should never be hampered by feelings of guilt, or obligation, or repayment.  When you do something for someone out of love, you should be doing it because you want to, or that it makes the other person happy (happy being another subjective thing, but this isn’t really the place for that discussion), which in turn brings you joy; not because you feel that you have to in order to make up for something stupid that you did, or because it’s repayment for something that the other person did to you.  That cheapens the intent, and turns it into a transaction.  Love should be free of these trappings.

- Love is pure.  This may seem like one of those clichés, but give me a moment to explain.  Love should never be used as leverage.  You should never use love as an excuse to get someone to do something for you.  This is similar to “love is free” but this comes from the opposite side, where people use love as a means of currency.  I’m sure everyone at one point in time has heard, “If you don’t do that for me, I won’t love you anymore.”  Love is something that is meant to bring joy to both parties involved in the relationship.  Never should it be used to manipulate someone in any way.  Whether it’s getting someone to clean the house for you, getting someone to buy something for you, or one of the more sinister uses, to get someone to sleep with you, it is a cheap and dirty way of getting what you want, and once you do that, you’re showing that you don’t truly love the person, you just want something from them for your own benefit.  This is wrong, and you should never misuse love that way.

- Love hurts.  Everyone has heard this one before.  This is probably the most difficult thing about love.  There are a lot of people out there who seem to think that when you love someone, and you are loved back, everything is peaches and cream, and you will spend all your days traipsing through a meadow of flowers, holding hands, and skipping on a sunny day.  I’m sorry, but it isn’t easy.  First and foremost, love is a commitment.  Whether it’s to your family, your friends, or your significant other, love is something that has a responsibility to it.  That responsibility is that when you love someone, even when it’s tough, you have to remember that you love them.  Because we are all human, there are times when we are far from perfect, and loving someone may seem really hard, and may even cause you some pain.  This is the time when love is most important, because you have to remember that you love them for who they are, and at some point, everything passes.  I don’t mean to say that you should ever remain in an abusive relationship because you love someone.  If that’s the case, they’re breaking the “love is pure” concept, and it’s no longer love.  What I am saying though, is that love can cause you pain because you have to be willing to be vulnerable enough to accept both the good and the bad.  Otherwise, you won’t be able to feel the love.  Shielding yourself from pain is a nice idea, but you inevitably shield yourself from the good too, and loving someone is necessarily an open process.  If you cannot have an open heart, you will never be able to feel love.  Unfortunately, it can lead to getting hurt, but that is the price you must pay.  However, I have to say, when you find it, it is completely worth it.

- Romance is not love.  For all of you people out there with dreams of dashing knights, and maidens in distress, and all that other fantasy claptrap, I’m sorry, but you’re just fooling yourself.  Romance is a wonderful thing, and it’s lovely… but it’s not love.  We see a lot of people confusing the two nowadays.  People who want their entire relationship with someone to be romantic, and incredible.  These people inevitably are single much of the time, complaining about how they can’t find someone to love.  They have these unrealistic expectations about love where every day has to start with roses on the bed, and end with candlelit dinners, and incredibly passionate sex.  These people are NUTS!  Love is hard, it can be very not pretty, and love is most definitely not always romantic.  Romance is a fun way to get away from reality for a while, to feel like the world is your oyster and that everything is perfect, at least for a little while.  However, it is an illusion, albeit a fun one to indulge in from time to time.  The only problem is, when all you want to do is live in a fantasy land all the time, crashing back to reality is going to hurt that much worse. 

- Sex does not equal love.  I just want to state this plainly.  Love and sex are in no way intricately linked.  You can love someone without sex, and you can have sex without love.  You don’t have to have one with the other.  Refer to the earlier statement about love being whatever you want it to be.  There are plenty of swinger couples who can have multiple sex partners, but still completely love their primary partner, and never have a problem.  That being said, this does not give people carte blanche to go have sex with anyone you want and tell their significant other “But baby, they didn’t mean a thing to me, you’re the only one I really love.”  As I said earlier, love is about commitment.  If you enter into a relationship with someone who is a monogamous person, you are committed to them, and therefore, you cannot sleep with anyone you please without violating that commitment.  If you chose this person to be with, then you have to show to them that you are willing to “play by the rules” so to speak.  This actually leads nicely into my next point.

- Love is a mutual thing.  It’s hard to feel love unless it is returned in some way.  I wouldn’t consider one-sided affection love, because at that point, only one person would be feeling any sort of happiness; normally the person receiving the love.  For those of you who would say “But I’m happy just being around that person,” I wouldn’t call it love, I’d call it desperation.  You are so in need of being around this person, you are willing to forego your own feelings to do so.  I think we all have our own ranges when it comes to the things we need to feel love, and in a one-sided “love” very rarely are both parties getting what they need to feel it. 

- Love supports.  When you are really in love, it strengthens you.  When you think about that person, it brings a smile to your face, improves your day, and generally gives you the fortitude to keep on going, no matter the difficulty.  It is something that makes you a better person.  It can actually improve your health, even if it’s not directly.  When you love someone, you want to be with them longer, or be there for them longer, and in turn, you begin to take better care of yourself in order to do so.  Without love as a motivating factor, a lot of people just fall into a lazy, comfortable sort of stasis, and with nothing to live for, what’s the point in trying harder than you are now?  If you are loved, then the world is a much better place, and you’d want to stick around longer.

- Contrary to popular belief, love is not all you need.  Love can be a pretty decent base, and it’s great at support, but there is a lot more involved when building a strong, healthy relationship.  Commitment, perseverance, fortitude, planning, and creativity are all necessary elements as well.  Basically, to think that love is all you need to get through anything is naïve at best, and dangerous at worst.  Too many people have jumped in headfirst into a difficult situation thinking that as long as they’re with the one that they love, everything will work itself out.  Unfortunately, life is not a movie, and you’re more likely to end up down on your luck, and possibly even single if you think that all you need is love. 

Those are some of the important things I have learned or realized as I’ve lived my life.  It’s not the full list, as I cannot quite put into words everything that I have learned.  Some of it is a feeling, some of it is just… not capable of being put into coherent form for me right at the moment.  Love is this incredibly nebulous thing, and it takes the shape and form of whatever people like to call it, but I think there are some things that are just universally true, which is what I was able to put up. 

People who know me know that I love fully, and intensely.  I love my friends, my family, and most importantly, my wife.  I freely admit that I would die for any of them because my love for them extends itself beyond this mortal coil.  Despite the aggravation that these people may cause me from time to time, I always remember that all of that isn’t important, because ultimately, they’re good people and are deserving of my love.  I’m not one to throw my love around freely, but if you have it, then you’ll know that it is not easily given up.  It took me a long time to realize how important it was to truly love these people in my life, but when I did, it opened up my eyes and improved my life tremendously.  My life is so much better with these people in it, and I can only hope that their lives are better with me in theirs. When it comes down to it, that’s all I can really hope for in life… to love and be loved.

Despicable Me

I’ve noticed something about myself over the last few months.  It may go further back than that, but I’ve only recently really been paying attention, so I don’t have a very clear timeline available.  Basically, I think I’m slowly becoming a worse person.  Maybe not leaps and bounds; I’m not talking about going from Mary Poppins to Jack the Ripper, but I just notice subtle things about myself that I would have definitely frowned upon if I were to view myself from a past version of myself.  I guess that fact that I notice it says something at least about my ability to be introspective.

The primary thing that I’ve noticed about myself is the recent surge in foul language that emanates from my mouth.  I have a habit recently of just spewing expletives without much thought.  A casual “fuck” here, or a “shit” there, or any number of curses have spewed from my mouth lately, and this is something that I had taken some time to eliminate from my vocabulary some time back, only to have it resurface lately.  I have either taught myself (or really convinced myself) that expletives were for people who had no better way to express themselves, a means for people who couldn’t think about what they were saying to so they just spit out a swear in order to get their point across.  “Yeah, I get it, you’re angry, but do you mind not using ‘fuck’ as a comma please?”

Mind you, I don’t have a problem with the words themselves.  I don’t get on other people’s cases about using the words, because I don’t think it’s fair to hold other people to my standards that I have for myself.  However, when I’m breaking my own standards, it’s time to take a look at myself.  Something obviously has been pushing me to the point where I’m losing my ability to speak clearly and effectively without using vulgar language.

Another sign is that I’m generally a nice person, but my temper and my patience have shrunken to the point where they are nearly imperceptible.  It seems I am always a hair’s breadth from exploding, and that’s really bad when you’re in the industry that I’m in.  When you have to deal with people that are frustrating, instigative, or just downright dumb, you have to show a lot of patience and understanding, or you’re going to be out of a job quickly.  For the most part, I’ve been able to handle it, but every now and then, the veneer slips, and I think people have been noticing that there’s just a little bit more of a rageful creature trying to escape.

So where is all of this coming from?  It is simple enough to answer that.  It just comes from the fact that I am dealing with a number of stressful situations that I need to find the resolutions for, but which I am failing miserably at accomplishing.  Being physically separated from my wife as long as I have been, there is no release for my day to day annoyances, as I don’t really have someone to talk to quite as easily as I would have liked.  Also, there is the question of whether or not I will be leaving this country indefinitely, depending on what happens with my current job status.  On top of that, there is the added frustration of not enough rest, since I have given away my weekends in order to work a second job for more than 3 years now. 

None of this is new.  It has been building for some time now, with the majority of it coming to a head in the last few months.  I am living in a state of purgatory, limbo, suspension, whatever you may want to call it, because I’m not sure where my life is heading, and yet I’m being pushed to have an answer before I’m truly ready.  I am nearly stressed to the breaking point, but I still have to somehow manage to hold it together until everything is settled.  This leads me to an incredible level of fatigue and agitation.  I don’t really know how to handle it, but I know I must for now. 

If nothing else, all the trials and tribulations of the past have served to prepare me for the problems that I face now, and for that, I am thankful for them.  I am at a very important crossroads in my life, and the decisions I make now will affect how I live my life for many years to come.  However, so much feels as if it’s out of my hands, I just feel helpless while I wait for the answers to come.  Honestly… it just sucks.  There really is no better word for it. 

The only thing I have to look forward to now (really, the only thing I CAN look forward to, since everything is still up in the air) is that when the first answer that I’m waiting for comes, it will set the rest of the dominoes to falling, and I can finally move forward on these decisions.  Hopefully, this will bring me some peace of mind, and I can go back to trying to improve myself, instead of allowing myself to fall into these pits of self-loathing, and self-defeat.  It should happen soon (although with the way things are going, I could just be blowing smoke up my own rear end) and when it does, things should fall into place. 

The State of Religulous

You might recognize part of the title as the name of Bill Maher’s movie.  If you haven’t seen it, take a look.  It’s an interesting piece, but if you’re particularly religious, I’d refrain.  It might offend you.

So if you’ve kept an eye on the political landscape recently, you might have noticed something interesting, and from my point of view, mildly if not outright disturbing. 

I’m pretty sure that most of us remember at least a little of our American history classes from elementary school.  Even if you don’t remember the bulk of it, I’m almost positive that everyone does remember the Constitution, specifically the Bill of Rights.  In that bill, there exists something called the “First Amendment.”  For the sake of clarity, let me quote it now:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

I’m mainly concerned with the first line of that statement, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…”  In recent weeks, the question of separation of church and state has come up repeatedly.  Now, as many of you may be wondering, “What about it?  Didn’t they settle that when they wrote the Bill of Rights?”  You know, I thought they did too, but apparently, a specific group of politicians and their followers have different ideas. 

The “Tea Party” as they unofficially call themselves, is a movement within the Republican Party, although at this point, I wonder if Republicans are beginning to wonder about the intelligence of allowing these people to associate themselves with them.  The supposed purpose of this movement is to cut back the size of the government, lower taxes, reduce wasteful spending, reduce the national debt and federal budget deficit, and to adhere to the United States Constitution.  Doesn’t sound like such a bad thing, does it?  However, like so many other political movements, what looks great on paper, seems to devolve into what I like to call a “clusterfuck”  when put into actual practice.

So far, from what I can gather, the primary hallmark of the Tea Party Movement is to instill fear into the citizenry to get their candidates elected, by preying on people’s general ignorance.  What do I mean by this?  Well, despite the fact that the group states that they wish to adhere to Constitutional Law, they have interesting interpretations of those laws.  Which brings me to my point on this blog.  The most recent “interpretation” centers around the separation of church and state.  In the past few weeks, three separate candidates that are Tea Party favorites have questioned the First Amendment and the application of said amendment.

Christine O’Donnell, Sharron Angle, and Ken Buck.  All three politicians are running for Senate seats.  All three have stated that they do not believe that the First Amendment precludes a government joined with religion.  I ask them this… What Constitution have you been reading, or rather, what drugs are you taking that would give you an interpretation that would say anything but a separation of church and state? 

The argument that is most commonly given is that the Constitution doesn’t actually contain the words “separation of church and state.”  In this regard, they are correct.  However, if you’re going to play at semantics and pedantry, then there are a lot of things not explicitly said in the Constitution, not to mention the Bible (since this is an argument over religion) that they tend to follow.  A perfect example?  Nowhere in the Bible does it say that Satan rules hell.  Double check if you don’t believe me.

It appears again that the problem here is that people aren’t taking things in context.  If you examine the time in which the Constitution was written, the reason behind the First Amendment was because the country, and specifically the founding fathers, were trying to escape from religious persecution.  By putting in the statement “…no law respecting an establishment of religion…” they are straight forwardly saying that the government can’t tell people what religion is the right one.  Ken Buck counters this by saying, “While we have a Constitution that is very strong in the sense that we are not gonna have a religion that's sanctioned by the government, it doesn't mean that we need to have a separation between government and religion.” 

I don’t know about you, but if the government isn’t allowed to establish a religion, then how are they supposed to work together without fear of there being some major influence? The whole reason behind putting together that amendment was to prevent religion from having any say in government affairs.  You know what religious governments get you?  Look at the Middle East.  Look at any country where there is a nation mandated religion.  They’re all rife with human rights violations, and besides all of that, this is a country “of the people, by the people, for the people.”  That gives no space for there to be any singular religion to identify the nation, as this nation is made up of a wide range of people and religions.  That’s what makes it great.

For now, I won’t even get into the hypocrisy that most of these Tea Party candidates engender by fighting for their right to bring religion into politics, but decry anyone who is Muslim.  That’s another entry.  All I’m saying is, these people who want to scare you into believing what they say are doing so by twisting the truth, and attacking some pretty established rules.  I’m not even talking about rules that might have some form of negative connotation to them, but rules that have proven truly beneficial to our society.  Don’t let them do it.  Don’t let ignorance lead to the downfall of what was once, and hopefully will be again, a great nation.

Isolated

Hopefully, people don’t find this too similar to something I wrote earlier on, but it popped into my head yesterday as I was returning from a wedding.  Might not be the same at all, but I honestly won’t know until I’m done writing.

So this week, I am in Hungary.  It is now the third time I’ve been here, and that in and of itself is a strange condition.  Prior to this country, I had never returned to any single country aside from the US after the first time there.  Of course, I had never had family in those other locations as well, so that should explain all of that.  However, it is still a strange feeling when you leave home, fly for several hours (on average a nine hour flight) and land in a place that is familiar.  Something about that seems strange, but maybe that’s just me.

The first time I was here, it was to visit my then girlfriend (now my wife) and her family, as we were separated at the time by her enrollment in a study abroad program, and this was the place we would meet before she was to return home with me.  It was quite a bit of culture shock, considering I have spent the majority of my life in a major metropolitan city, and coming to a country where it is much quieter and slower was a bit jarring.  Not having everything readily available at all hours of the day takes a bit of adjusting to, and it was first real experience with something like that. 

The second time I was here, I was in the midst of completing my second wedding (the first having occurred in New York) and was too busy with preparation that first week here to really get my bearings.  Fortunately, after all the hoopla was completed, I was able to sit back, relax, and enjoy the city, with prior experience under my belt.  It did make it more comfortable, and ultimately more enjoyable than my first trip here, and I returned home to the US once again with my wife, ready to face the world.

This being my third time, you’d think it’d be old hat by now.  This time, I’m here for the wedding of my wife’s cousin, someone she is close with, but primarily to spend time with my wife.  Like the first visit here, I met her in Hungary, instead of flying here with her, because she was in another country prior, in order to pursue her own goals.  The event that I’m here for was much shorter than the previous visit, so the overall purpose is to just spend time with my wife.

Throughout all of my trips here, there has been one unifying feeling.  Despite being here with my significant other, I’ve always felt apart from everything.  There is a simple enough reason for this, as I don’t speak the language at all.  If you didn’t know, Hungarian is one of, if not the most, difficult languages on this planet to learn.  The pronunciation isn’t too hard, but the grammar is nearly impossible to just “pick up”.  Not to mention the words themselves are not relatable to any of the other languages that might be normally taught in western schools.  You won’t find any parallels with English, Spanish, French, Italian, or any of the romance languages.  Heck, I’m Chinese, and there’s no correlation with any of that language either.  It pretty much stands on its own, and I’m left here scratching my head.

The only reason I bring this up is that last night, during the wedding, it never felt quite as acute as when I was sitting there, watching the ceremony and reception take place.  Mind you, I had my own wedding here the year before, and that was more or less a traditional Hungarian wedding, but the master of ceremonies was translating for the sake of my friends, family, and myself, so I wasn’t at a complete loss.  Also, when you’re running around frantically trying to make sure all is well, you kind of don’t sweat the small stuff, like understanding what’s going on. 

Last night’s wedding was Hungarian at full intensity.  There were very few (by my count only two) English speakers (my wife and my brother in law) and it was kind of hard to ask them to translate, as they were involved in the festivities themselves.  While it’s all well and good to laugh when everyone else laughs, and to dance when everyone else dances, it is hard to maintain an air of jocularity when you are at a complete loss at everything around you.  I felt absolutely horrible, because I knew I was missing out on a very good time, and all due to my ignorance of the language.  Some of the wedding games were familiar enough, and didn’t need too much explanation, but there is a great deal of the celebration that relies on word play, and you miss out on a lot of that when you don’t know what anyone is saying.

It left me feeling quite alone in the middle of a large group, and by the end of the night, I was quite down on myself.  While there is a simple enough solution (learn the language) it is by no means easy.  It doesn’t help that I suck at language acquisition.  I’m picking up words here and there, but that hardly allows one to understand rapid moving events.

On top of all this, unlike my previous trips out here, I know that I will be returning home alone this time.  While it is absolutely wonderful, and completely necessary for my sanity to spend time with my wife here, there is also a great deal of sadness involved, since I know that we will be parting ways for some time once my vacation here is done.  She to Japan, me back to the US, and it kills me to think of that.  It just adds to this sense of feeling alone, because nothing quite says alone like sitting in a plane for nearly a dozen hours with no one to talk to. 

While I am enjoying the time I am here with my wife, I’m really not sure what to think about how I’m feeling.  It is all well and good to say “enjoy the moment” but unless you have the ability to completely block out the immediate future (which would be both a good and bad thing) then you are going to notice when time is running out.  I want to just be happy that I have her here, and for the most part I am, but times like last night make me remember how difficult it can be when you feel separated from everything around you, and to not have my wife to batter that away when I run into that again only makes me more depressed. 

Oh, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, yeah, I go through some severe bouts of being down.  I wouldn’t say depression, as I haven’t needed pharmaceuticals, but there are definitely times where I could care less about the world.

Anyway, after that aside, I have to make clear, I tend to feel alone in a crowd most of the time.  However, in most cases, I at least have that one person that, if I can make a connection with, it makes things easier.  It’s easier to spread out from a single point than to blanket a whole area, if that makes sense.  Normally, it’ll be a friend that I already have there, or if I’m lucky, I meet someone new, but in this situation with the wedding, that was all but impossible.  It only made me realize how much harder I have to work to not get lost in my own head.  I’ve heard that you have to be able to create your own happiness.  Last night served to show me how true that really is.

After looking back at this post after writing it, it had nothing to do with any of my previous posts, but it is a bit whiny.  Sorry about that, but it was bugging me, and I figured someone out there might know the feeling.  It might only be for those who’ve had cross-culture relationships, but I think it applies to a lot of people anyway, whether it’s a language barrier, a culture barrier, or even a barrier created by your general interests (IE, you’re at a sports bar, and you’ve never liked sports).  Feeling alone is one of the crummiest feelings, and it can happen anywhere, anytime.  I just wish I knew a way to combat it that would work for everyone, but at this point, I’m just looking for a way to deal with it myself.

Digging Out

I’m not sure how common it is for people out there, but I go through somewhat regular bouts of depression.  Nothing medically diagnosed, but just times where I feel like there’s very little to care about.  People have been asking me lately how I’ve been, and the majority of the time, it’s some level of depressed.  This is probably a problem. 

I’ve always just sort of accepted depression as a part of life.  I’ve never been one to have high highs, so I kind of go through plains and valleys.  Not very many peaks.  There’s no logical reason for it.  It’s not like someone I cared for has died recently (although there’s still question, at least in my own head, over how I have handled the deaths of certain loved ones, regardless of how much time has passed), or there’s anything particularly negative about my life.  I have great friends, a good family, an incredible wife, and a job that I tolerate for the most part.  Funks just seem to hit me.

It always makes me wonder though, how people handle their depression.  For the most part, I try to slog through it, trying to some degree to intellectualize the situation away.  There is a proverb that I’m sure many of you have heard, stating “This too shall pass.”  I try to approach these down periods with this in mind, since I know that invariably, something will come along to lift me out of the doldrums.  But even as mild as my depressions may be, it’s still difficult to climb out of that hole that you basically dig for yourself.  You’re more likely to dig yourself deeper, and a lot of the ways that people try to cheer you up may only serve to make it worse in the long term.

When you try to distract yourself from depression, you only serve to delay the emotions tied to it.  At best, you forget about it an move on, not really dealing with the whys and the whats.  At worst, the distraction only serves to drive you further down into the pit.  Most examples of this particular mode of distraction lies in vices.  Drinking, drugs, gambling, sex, etc etc.  The only real way to combat depression is to find the root cause, and confront it.

Of course, this is easier said than done.  How many people have rational and logical depressions?  How many people actually know what’s making them feel like crap?  I’m just speaking for myself, but when I’m down, it’s nearly always this vague feeling of unease, it’s rarely a concrete reason.  Something inside is restless, and aggravated, and can’t seem to find relief in expression or action, no matter how much time you may spend trying to find an answer to why. 

I consider myself a pretty introspective guy, but depression sort of mutes everything.  Thinking gets muddled, senses are dulled, and the enjoyment that you once had for things lessens greatly.  You have a hard time seeing what might be right in front of you, which only serves to perpetuate the depression. 

So what can be done?  I won’t presume to tell you what’ll work for you, but I’ve tried a whole bunch of stuff for myself, and some of it worked, some of it was pointless.  I’ve tried the whole drinking route.  Short-lived, because the momentary euphoria I felt during the drunken spell was quashed quite handily by the following morning hangover.  There have been times where I was self-destructive, trying stupid things to get myself out of a funk, to feel alive, and while that momentary rush may have been enjoyable, when I look back on it, it was pretty stupid. 

I’ve tried therapy, and there was some aid in that, because it got me to examine myself in ways I hadn’t thought of before.  There was some catharsis there, but it was a double-edged sword.  While it may have brought some clarity any current situations, it also brought up questions about past situations, and while they may be in the past, it puts them in a new light, which may affect current relationships.  Doesn’t happen that way for everyone, but it did for me.

The only thing that has worked consistently for me has always been time with friends.  Time to sit, and talk, and just know that there are people out there who truly care for your well-being.  People who want to be there for you, to make sure you don’t suffer alone.  I’ve been fortunate that I’ve had friends who have put up with my many bouts of depression, who are willing to humor my endless rhetorical questions.  Sure, there may be times that they’ve expressed severe frustration with me, but they only spoke truthfully to me, and at the end of the day, that’s all I really need. 

There is also a lot to be said about helping others in need during times when you’re feeling alone and isolated.  I don’t mean you have to go out and save the world, but I always get a little boost when I give someone a helping hand.  It’s temporary, but there’s nothing at all negative about helping someone, so you’re at least spreading what joy you can.  Sometimes it can help put your life in perspective, or at the very least, you can feel appreciated for that one moment. 

I think one of the biggest problems that we face on a regular basis is that we tend to take life for granted.  Not everyone mind you, and those people who don’t live some pretty amazing lives, but for a lot of us, I think we just assume that there will be a tomorrow, so we sort of end up putting off feeling good for another day, because it’s just too hard.  It takes effort to be happy, mainly cause when you’re feeling down, it takes so much effort to get yourself out of it.  Staying happy is also pretty difficult, because it just seems like sometimes, the entire world is out to ruin your day.  There have definitely been days where I just felt like everything I did only ended up with me being more miserable than when I started the day.  It’s times like that where I really have to stop myself, and try to remember, “Nothing lasts forever.  Make sure to spend your energy enjoying your good moments, and not waste energy on the bad ones."  It still takes great effort, but at least it’s energy spend wisely.